Friday, March 1, 2013

Quick note

And.. just like that, today is over.

Just to think that this time last month, I was ready to cry (oh wait.. I did.) because I didn't think I'd ever put a start to this period of my life.

J has been pretty amazing throughout all this - he answers my questions and discusses related things, even if it's too early, even if I'm getting ahead of myself - he may think so, but he doesn't ever say it. I'm just so grateful for that, there are no words to get across just how much. It's far easier when you know you're not the only one wanting something so badly and that's it's okay to talk about these things.

Monday, February 25, 2013


For a blog that's titled 'and Nika', I seldom say anything about Nika in here anymore. I've hogged all the space for myself..

How can I put in words, what there is to say about Nika, though? Not a day goes by without her amazing us, or making us laugh with a witty remark..

If only I had a penny for a every time a complete stranger stops me in my tracks, to say how beautiful she is.. well, I'd have about 5 pennies a week, but you know what I mean.

The other aspect of it... is that she's not exactly 'normal'. Yeah, okay, I get it, how can I ask the outside world not to be judgmental when I am the one deeming my child 'not normal', whatever - there's no nice way of saying it. There are countless beautiful things I can say about Nika, but that would make me just another parent gushing about their kid.. what's more important is that I tell her all the time how smart she is, or how beautiful she is.

She memorizes digits, scenery, locations, photos, facts.. and she never forgets them. She never forgets the order of anything, and chooses sequences that suit her preference best, which often makes it difficult to skew from what she believes is the 'correct' way of doing things. Go and explain to your average 5 year old, that you are taking a shortcut due to traffic and thus, had to go off your usual 'return home' route .. Perhaps, 'your' and 'your average' 5 year old would take better to such an idea.. Nika doesn't. She will question the route change, and how I know there won't be traffic there, how I know we won't arrive later than if we had taken the usual route, whether I believe we are pressed for time and that's why we're taking the shortcut and why we are pressed for time, if we have anything 'pressing' to do at home.. how much time I think this would save us.. - that being, the best case scenario. Otherwise, she will just sit there and weep, because she is terrified of the outcome, simply because she doesn't believe that it was necessary to change anything and not to mention.. that we don't know what the actual end-result of the change.

How does one 'deal', when your children prove to be 'different'? I mean, different to a point of having to not only adjust your life to them (after the initial stages of denial that the child at hand is different, of course) but when you feel you have to create and upkeep a particular environment for people and events to be able to function without issue.

Sometimes, it gets absolutely terrifying to me. Nobody wants to admit that their child is different, because nobody wants to answer the question 'is this somehow my fault?'. Because more likely than not, the answer is 'yes', at least in my case.

Do I not notice myself exhibiting these signs? How I rip the tags off my shirts because I cannot stand anything but a smooth surface touching my skin. How I never lose anything. How I always know exactly where objects are - tracing their whereabouts by previous events. How I secretly pride myself in being able to say 'I have not lost anything, not a single thing this year'. And in the event that I do misplace an object? My life doesn't go on. I stop all happenings, and search for said object. Hours, days.. if need be.

To answer my own question, how does one 'deal' with knowing their child is 'different'.. One starts 'dealing', by accepting the fact that more likely than not, they are the contributing factor. And that is what's hard. I don't want my child(ren) to have a hard life because of me.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Note To Self.

I have to promise to myself:

- I'll stop psyching myself out;

-  I'll categorically stop reading horror stories, about unthinkable factors that influence only 4-10% in extreme cases;

- I have to look forward to wonderful things, and more than anything, I have to actually believe that everything is going to be okay;

- Nobody is putting anything off, everything is going forth.. everyone involved wants this, plans are going to get made and executed;

- I am being paranoid if I believe that it's solely my decision/that I am the only one looking forward to this, that's not true;

- Everything is going to be fine.

- This time next year, I am hoping to look back at this, and laugh at myself, as I often do once time passes, because all my fears were illegitimate, and flat out made no sense. 


February is about to come to an end.

In February of 2010, I was looking back at February 2009, in horror.
In February of 2011, I was looking back at February 2010, also in horror.. but in a much better place.
In February of 2012, I was looking back at all of 2011, and thinking how unjustified my fears were. How I could have spared myself a lot of pain and fear, just by believing that everything was going to be perfectly okay, just as I had been promised from the start.

It's February 2013, and I have never been happier in my life.. ever. I have to believe that whatever it is that seems so awfully terrifying now.. and casts a cloud over my happiness, I should simply discard. I need to believe that in February 2014.. I'll be even happier.

/end of this.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Quick Salted Caramels

1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup light Karo syrup
1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Kosher sea-salt

Melt the butter in the microwave, then stir in the other ingredients. Mind that this stuff gets hella hot, so not pets or kids within the reach of any of this stuff, an the container must definitely be melt-proof.

Nuke the mixture for 2 minutes (my microwave has a default setting of what I'm guessing is about 750), stop and stir.

Nuke for another 2 minutes, stop and stir.. 

Nuke for a final 2 minutes, give the mixture a final stir and wait for the bubbles to subside.

Pour quickly into a greased pan (I used one of the pyrex ones we've got, 8 inches by 12 or something).. let cool on the counter for 4-5 minutes, and then stick in the fridge.
I cooled for 10 minutes in the fridge, sprinkled some seasalt on and cut into it with a pizza cutter.. 
It tastes awesome, but is hard to cut through, so making shapes is somewhat an ambition.. I only did the 3 hearts because it's V-day. Otherwise.. pull off the pan, wrap in wax paper.. and you're good!

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Yes/No? Maybe?


If it all really doesn't make sense, then.. why nod and pretend to understand? If it's insincere.. then why?

Just imagine for a second - something that you really want.. something that's to you, a point..  a reason, a priority; to somebody else is merely an option, or not even.. more like something seemingly dreary.

It's heart-shattering.

I don't want to become ambivalent to any of this, but I can't help starting to feel apologetic and regretful that I want any of this. Seeing no reflection of enthusiasm or excitement, I feel like what I want is all mono-chronic and tedious. Because, perhaps, it is? Is it? I don't want to be the last of two people to find this out.. I don't want to be mistaken.

I  can painstakingly try? I just don't want to feel so alone.

What for, if it's all so lonely?

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

"Today, you are you.."

I was just thinking the other day, how much living I've done in a few seemingly short years.

Out at dinner last night, J said "people don't change, I don't believe that", which in turn struck up a sense of confusion but predominantly.. fear.

"Of course people change" I muttered as quickly as I could muster, almost feeling as though it was in defense of myself. J just looked at me in response, but the back of my mind was already riddled with all sorts of thoughts.

People do change, honest. At least.. I certainly have.

I used to be exhilarated by the idea of living at my own will without having anything or anyone to worry about. Whatever I did, was solely for my own content and happiness, I had only myself to blame for my own mistakes and only myself to fend for - which in turn made me a capable and ambitious but very selfish person. Then, it became different - I had things and even people to lose, it was a sickly sweet thrill to see limits stretched and boundaries crossed. I don't remember if I had ever stopped to think about how the way I was living affected my surroundings and the people, I don't believe I did. It was easy, too, because the enabling factor was people saying that they'd forgive me each time, because I didn't know how to live otherwise.

Now I have Nika, J.. our life together - nothing terrifies me more than the prospect of losing anyone or any little thing I've got. Nothing makes me happier than seeing them happy, especially when we're all happy together.

I do believe in the fact that people change, sometimes for the better, other times for the worse.. some remain static and neither improve or become any worse, they just become different, and I've witnessed that too. I won't argue about the factors, or what age does, I just know that it's true.

Now, I have this lingering, lurid sense of worry.

It's because  I'm different now, the things I want, are different too. All of this is new to me - and I don't know if things are bound to just work out, or not.. what if I'm suddenly asking for too much?   Nika says bad people don't deserve to have their dreams come true..

I should be grateful that my life is such now, that I even have these windows of opportunities; I know.

The hardest thing is summoning the courage to talk about any of this. I suppose, I almost feel apologetic for the fact that my newly established dreams are so unambitious; transparent, even. I can't help any of that, I can't help that it's all so special.. just only to me, it seems.

I didn't know some things even a year ago, that I do now. So naturally, these new developments I meet with a healthy curiosity, at first. And then.. it changes. When I talk about these things, should I get a sense of a dismissive response, this hurts me greatly because it not only brings my fear of rejection into full force, but combined with my fear and usual uncertainty about the future - I freeze in my very tracks and I suddenly feel.. well, very lonely and somewhat scared, actually.

Oh how long it takes me, even just to think of how to start these conversations. Every other evening, I know exactly what to say and where to start.. I picture myself, all brave, wings beautifully spread, shoulders straight - and then, in the midst of worry, fear and uncertainty, I end up mumbling, as quietly as I can,  perhaps the shadow of what I wanted to say; I explain nothing, and then break away.

I don't need much. Maybe.. the ability to convey thoughts using just my eyes, only once.. for a few seconds.

Why is talking about the future like walking on glass for me? Is there something wrong with me?

Monday, October 29, 2012


The truth? There is no such thing as the truth, really.

For every fact that can be said, bears an exact opposite - and would also be correct. So, what would be this 'truth', be exactly? What was done, or what wasn't done? The in-between?

I know a lot of such facts, I'll go out on a limb, and say that I know all of it.

Alas, for every fact I know happened, I am also aware,  there is something that I don't know about, which didn't happen;

.. and vice versa, for what was told to me, had not occurred - therein lies something, which indeed, did occur.

At best - I will not be surprised, because I know. At worst, I might get hurt, because I didn't know. What else is there to say?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Baked Onion Dip

1.5 - 2lbs of flavourful onion (I used little cippolini onions)
6 ounces cream cheese (I used 8, came out too stodgy)
4-5 ounces sour cream
Fresh flat-leaf parsley (to taste, I added about 2 tablespoons)
1 tablespoon of thyme
Parmesan to taste, I added 2 tablespoons
Salt + Pepper

Simmer onions (that you've chopped how you prefer, I cut them in half and sliced thinly) on medium heat until nicely brown, and finally on low until nicely caramelized, I was gradually adding salt  - total of 20min. Added the thyme, cream cheese (mine wasn't softened) I mixed it in, and added the sour cream and let the mixture simmer for not more than 3-4min, added flat leaf parsley, about 2 tablespoons.

I baked it all for about 20 minutes, and Fiance hit it with the blowtorch to nicely brown it on top. Voila..

It's a tad stodgy, but hits the spot - EXACTLY what I've been craving.

..Now for that wedding dress diet.. :( *dies*