Friday, December 31, 2010

Getting Acquainted...

Today, or rather tonight - on New Year's Eve, my boyfriend is going to meet my parents/my parents are going to meet my boyfriend.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Update

Tasha
I'm loving this holiday season because I get to spend lots of time with my amazing kid and my gorgeous fun attentive loving boyfriend =) oh and I get to take naps, naps rule the world.
about a minute ago

Monday, December 27, 2010

The good news.. it's not Tink or Hello Kitty..

But no less eye-numbing! New PJs!!!
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I rock the world, because:

I have managed to get my kid a toy that has been out of stock in Russia for possibly ever since the first consignment ran out - only in one shop, the wrinkled dusty tattered (and at double the price!) was there a single box left. "No!" - I thought to myself, and decided I will get it at a normal (for Moscow) price and without a doubt, in better condition.

All for Niki~
..though she'd tear open the packaging and not bother about the condition of it much.. as for the pricing.. I could still afford it, but it became a question of principal, when I almost got ripped off by buying (at one of Moscow's central toy shops which is a part of Russia's biggest children stores chain!). The ponies I had picked out, one for Nika and one for my boyfriend's daughter - they sang at me, not in English, not in Russian but in bloody Polish. There I am, standing in queue for the cash-till, to check out - with two Polish singing ponies, maan was I peeved. Needless to say, I dropped them on the spot, after managing to shake my 'WTF?!' face.


But, anyway:
The *only* educational keyboard available in Russia, and even then, evidently only scarcely available.

Comfy keyboard, Comfyland games





Also, munchkin has thus far received:
Hasbro Furry Frenzies, Captain Crash                               Her favourite photo of us in a frame

 -------------------------------------------------------------------
 My Little Pony So Soft Make Me Better

 


And of course, a bunch of DVDs, because I'm one of those parents who let their children get amused at animated characters moving about on a screen =)

And yet to come:


But Nika isn't the only one getting spoiled this holiday season.. more about that later!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Happiness is...

Being with a person who smiles for the exact same reason you do. To go out, and realize that you are having a great time in exactly the same way for the absolute same reasons, most importantly, because you're with each-other. Instinctively, needing to hold, do or say something to one-another in an instant when the other person needs just exactly that the most.

I am absolutely in love. There is no 'Now what?', I know exactly what now.
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Friday, December 24, 2010

24/12/2010

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So.. it's Christmas

I've got my munchkin bathed and fed. Her eyes are starting to shut close. And.. I've already managed to do everything I needed to for tomorrow, just need to stick bows onto her wrapped gifts. Burned my finger while making dinner and wow.. this is supposed to be about Christmas..

So..

We didn't do much today. I suppose my life's moto is actually not 'What now?' but 'So things didn't quite go according to plan, again..'.

Originally it was supposed to be different, but it's okay. I'm just kind of tired.

I have two missed calls and a text I need to reply to. I'm not sure what to say. I don't really want to spend Christmas Eve alone once Nika finally falls asleep. But. Argh. Why do these simple things have to be so complicated? I hate this.

 This holiday season is probably going to be really different than the previous three. I think? Yet on the other hand, I think in actuality, I need to cool off on making spur of the moment, happy-go-lucky inspired plans because though I understand why some things can't workout/are not possible yet or won't be ever, I need to .. just live day by day and take things as they come, just in order not to be disappointed. Just for the next few months, at least. I think I can do that, this all is just so uncanny for me, thus it'll be hard. I really don't like making last minute decisions. Gosh, New Year's Eve is coming up, what's that going to be like? Call me chicken, but this holiday season I really don't want the responsibility for planning, putting anything together or even to decide anything, I just want to agree or disagree, accept or decline.

Okay.. now what? 

Monday, December 20, 2010

Goodbye Time!

You know you're tired when you're so happy to have found (accidentally) the watch your toddler had stashed away yet again. You slide it on your hand and rush out the door.

You put the watch on, wear it from 6pm to 2am, put it on again the next morning, and only at 10am you glance at it to realize it's shattered.

Poor kid, she's so careful with everything she plays with, she must have freaked when she broke it, so she stashed it away into a side pocket of one of my summer handbags. Last week, half way out of the door, I caught a glimpse of it before rushing out for work, put it on whist on my way to the elevator and took it off again that night but didn't notice the crime until the next morning.

I'm not even angry at her. This is the watch that told me what time it was everyday when I was pregnant and alone, tired and frantically wishing time would go faster. The watch that told me what time it was when I frustratingly stared at it every other moment that I spent waiting for things that I dreaded. Especially my recent difficult times at work this summer, fanatically checking the time to see if I could leave yet.

A chapter of my life is going to close this next New Year's Eve.

I may still be struggling for many things and because of many reasons, I'm often tired. But I'm so much happier.

Since getting that watch as a present for my 20th birthday (already very, very pregnant and absolutely alone) I have had a beautiful, smart and healthy daughter who makes me happy with each smile.

I have proven to be the better person and parted ways with countless people - some of whom I even called friends, never to look back and regret my (correct) decision.

After having been single for three years, I found the courage to take a chance on someone again for the first time and then the strength to walk away and recover when I realized it was not what I had hoped for.

Now I have someone who nobody compares to, I've never been happier in a relationship. I am doing far better in terms of deaing with the rhythm of being a single working mother, I'm lucky to have Nika, I love her, and I know that I manage okay overall, even if half the time it seems like I'm running on energy I don't even have.

This Christmas is clearly going to be different than several of my past ones. That's a good thing.
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Sunday, December 19, 2010

Illusions.

"You look fantastic!" his friend beamed kindly at me. "Thank you" I replied modestly but smiled proudly.

I had already got countless compliments at that point. I was content, even happy with the way I looked. What most of, actually, what all these people don't realize is that I was pulling off the illusion of the century (for me).

A week ago, I saw a faux-fur jacket that I wanted. I mean really wanted. For no reason other than just to have it. The closer I got to it, the more I wanted to buy it, by the time I tried it on, I had already decided to buy it. That is.. until I took a glance at the price tag.

This week, coincidentally, also had to be the week I needed my nails and hair done, not to mention already clearly needing the money I had just forked over for clothes I planned to wear, that don't quite fit into my allocated budget (to say it lightly) for other not-frivolous things. He had asked me to come to this event about two weeks prior and he very much deserved that I look as if I had no other cares in the world but this event for the last several days. I needed to appear carefree and look as attractive as possible.

Outfit bought the previous week, so yeah, I did get it. I rushed through Monday, desperately and even managed to take my toddler to the park for a little and see my boyfriend.

Tuesday made me sad for various reasons I refuse to mention. Much of the evening is a daze, and a very long night, not enough sleep.

Wednesday rolls around. 5:30 am, the alarm pierces my ear-drums. Running on barely more than a total of two hours of sleep. I autopilot myself through my morning routine and get to work by 8am, get working at 8. By 10am, I was feeling much better as any 'sharp' feelings that had been pricking me about Tuesday's events seemed to have numbed all I was feeling was tiredness.

At 10:30am the name I was longing to appear on my phone suddenly flashed and things started looking up from there. Later, I got my nails done properly for the first time in 3 years and walked out feeling pleased with myself.

'Wake-up - Work - Motherhood - Work - Motherhood - Eat - house-chores - Sleep' = Thursday. Except whilst at work (7 - 9pm), on my way out, as I rush out and into the elevator, suffering an attack of hurry-sickness, jabbing at the 'close door' button just to save those extra two seconds, I pull on the zipper of my jacket, to my horror realizing the zipper had indeed said 'to hell with this, I quit' and split. It was broken. The zipper on my only appropriate winter jacket was broken, before the one night I'd need it more than I have in the last few months, as any other outfits I've always been able to get away with wearing with an overcoat or the more sporty-looking jacket I have.

I exited the elevator and stood there quietly for a while. Fiddled with the zipper for a good twenty minutes in the middle of the reception area, with several night-time security guys sympathetically helping me fiddle, told myself that whatever I do, I must not be so pathetic as to cry over a broken zipper. I take a horridly bitter deep breath as several security guys, and one of the people I work with continue to temper with the clearly 'point of no return' broken zipper.

20 minutes later I bought the faux-fur coat and wore it home. My 'old' jacket in the plastic bag from the shop, disguised as a recent purchase. I got stares and smiles in the metro, despite my blatantly red eyes, I had been crying. The new jacket suited me, but I wasn't supposed to buy it.


Friday morning is another daze, much like most mornings are for me. I'm in too much of a hurry to do anything other than drink coffee as I put my make-up on in the morning, and stare at my sleeping toddler lovingly as I get dressed. And pack my bag whilst already on the way out of the door.

By the time it was 2pm, my eyes were shutting closed, just flat-out refusing to stay open. My head ached and back hurt. I was feeling cold but I slowly made my way to the hairdresser's, feet freezing as I also, really ought to invest an actual in-season boots.

My hair had been needing retouching badly for about a month, possibly more but I know how to disguise it, at least I'd like to think I do. I had just come to terms with the fact that I needed a hair-color I could sustain with more ease than the countless blonde streaks and caramel tint I had going on. I needed a color that wouldn't give me away by looking unkempt if I should suddenly want to/need to play as if I am at liberty to get my hair done at any time, all the time.

I don't have an excuse for dedicating the possible minimum finances, effort and time towards my looks. It's laziness and the fact that at the end of the day, though I'm at home and Nika is asleep, I opt to sit around and procrastinate instead of going to the gym, I ought to consolidate all the more somehow, so I could afford to go to the gym regularly, both financially and in terms of having the physical capability to.

2 hours later, the hairdresser gushed about how perfect my hair looked. I like it, it's exactly the color I had pointed out for him. It was after 4 pm and by 6:30pm, I needed to meet my boyfriend for the evening to start.

Before then, I needed to:

  • Buy milk for Nika 
  • Get home at meteor fast speed
  • spend at least a little bit of time with her i.e at least read one book to her, as I was missing her, seldom if almost never do I not make it home at lunchtime to be with her
  • Buy a present for a game that was to be held at the upcoming event
  • Make sure everything had been taken care of with the landlady of my rented flat
  • Shower, put make-up on, get dressed, rush out of the door
A about one hour thirty minutes for it all.

The evening itself, and next morning was perfect. I managed to pull all of this off.
The bad news - I'm really tired. I mean really tired, a lot and often.

This next week promises to be about the same. I hope I manage. I need to buy several Christmas presents and a dress, need to wake up at 5:30 am two days in a row and get as many hours of work in as I can this week. Meh.

I'd give anything to just.. I don't even know what I want. Well, I suppose I do but yeah, things don't work that way.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Little Things.

Lost three pounds, got my nails done. 





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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Edit To Add.

Brain: "Run, run like hell."

Heart: "This, this is going to hurt like hell."

Body: "Oh hell, give me a cigarette."

And just like that.

All I can do is excuse myself, to cry my eyes out for being so pathetic, wash my face, wear a double coat of mascara and extra concealer under my eyes. Less eye-liner, more lip-balm. Get dressed. My darker jeans, blue sweater. Take off my 'Love' pendant that I had been wearing since morning.

Go to work.

Fair? Nothing is fair about feeling this way. I wish he hadn't said anything about fairness. I also wish he would say something, not just 'me neither' when I said I had no more words.

I really don't have any more words. Only feelings.

Now what?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Recoil.

'Takes one to know one, telling you, it's why I've always been worried about you' he says.

'I don't have a problem, never have.. Why do you do it?' I say, aware that the follow-up was a trick question, to see whether or not he acknowledges it.

'When you live a certain way, you develop an obsession with controlling as much as you can in your life, especially your appearance. But I don't have a problem either.' He replies, seemingly honest.

'So much of it is control?' I conclude, maybe a tad crude, but I've never been worried about hurting his feelings.

'Maybe. Still, looking back at us, especially at those times at the mall, I was really happy.' He said, with sincerity which was uncanny for him, and struck me by surprise.

'What does that have to do with anything?' I reply, maybe defensively. Truth be told I definitely feel guilt for, in a way luring him back to me several months ago, only to change my mind overnight.

'Because it wasn't where I was, what I was doing or how I looked, it was you, the reason I was happy was because I was with you'.

We both fall silent.

'I want to see you' he admits, and reluctantly adds '..maybe for Christmas?'.

'You don't work in Moscow for Christmas. You don't even like Christmas.' I answer, feeling almost hurt for no apparent reason.

'I would come for you, because you like Christmas. You just have to tell me what you want or if you want this.' he said.

I have always wanted him to say all that, in exactly that way. To tell me that all I had to do was tell him what I wanted, doing this already knowingly, feeling safe because I'd without a doubt get what I wanted.

But there was silence between us. He told me I didn't have to answer just yet, but truth be told I'm certain he knew I won't answer at all.

'Does anyone else know you're scared?' he said, possibly to break the silence, albeit the subject was no less difficult to talk about.

'I told my boyfriend' I admitted, reluctantly.

'And what did he say?' he asked, inappropriately curiously.

I said I wasn't sure exactly, and that there's much of a mess, too much so, for a particular subject to be singled out.

He asked what else was going on, and urged me to tell him, because before all this we had been friends, and that he'd like to consider himself my friend now too, more than anything, if nothing else could be decided yet, he stressed 'yet'.

So I told him.



And that's how this week started.

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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Goodnight.

Whirlwind. Constantly rushing to do at least three things simultaneously. Sleep isn't overrated by any means. I wake up already tired. Sometimes I'm even surprised at the fact that I don't sleep straight through th alarms, especially the 6 am ones.

If I don't make myself fall asleep, and soon, tomorrow is not going to be even remotely pretty.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Is there any way, I could stay in your arms?

This week has been hectic, to a point of where I've forgotten what has happened on which particular day.

Beginning of the week, was in the mid of a so-called social gathering, generally nice people, but every so often I'd feel a glare drilling into the back of my head or the side of my face - later it was confirmed that indeed, people had been asking who I am and possibly wondering why he brought me. As I talked to people, many of whom smiled and laughed, and were having a seemingly good time, both generally at the party and in conversation with me, I presumed just about everybody remained skeptical, but overall possibly liked me. We'd kiss now and then, but I could tell how comfortable he was knowing he didn't have to drag me around like baggage, he felt confident turning away at times, to converse with someone else, as I talked to another person - I didn't feel anyone profiling me or trying to label me, which was nice. No doubt, there has been gossip since, but I doubt it's as vicious as I thought it'd be.

Morning between the beginning and the middle of the week, I woke up much earlier than my alarm had been set for, possibly barely an hour after we had both fallen asleep. Feeling his arms around me, exactly the way he had been holding me before we fell asleep - I closed my eyes, fell asleep again. Only at the end of that day did I realize, that for the first time, upon opening my eyes (I have a habitual time of waking up at night and generally do several times a week), I didn't have to force myself to place outlines and frantically search for familiar objects in the dark, something I do subconsciously all the time when waking up, but often a frightening half a minute. This is new for me.

Middle of the week
- we sat in the quaint albeit rather full place where we had gone to meet his friends once. Only this time, sitting across the table was my bemused brother. He watched me as I glanced lovingly at the man sitting next to me. We laughed a lot. Then the venue was traded in for a smokey pub and my brother replaced by his friend.

His friend walked in and stalled for about three seconds before rushing to take his coat off extra fast. He looked at me. Not in a judgmental way per-se, but more as if he was hoping that somehow, I'll surprise him, because probability was that he had already formed his opinion of me. Not like the annoying goat Satyr of a friend Doe's got, not in a vindictive, willing to interfere and meddle for his own amusement way, rather in a concerned and curious way. I was told that I did surprise him in the end. This friend of his observed me, but it didn't feel uncomfortable, he attempted to get to know me without prying, and had definitely walked in ready to give me the benefit of the doubt, and from what I gather, he was glad that he had. Again, this would all be trivial to me, but this is his friend, or at least a close acquaintance, that means something. I'd much rather if people understand and question rather than not understand and make conclusions based on their lack of understanding.

Then we didn't see each-other for a little;
until the end of the week - last night. Not even two days had passed but I couldn't wait to see him.

Out of the blue, one could say, he brought up a subject that I had been thinking about for the last week or so. Not even in-detail pondering, just something that had crossed my mind more than once, on and off. I suppose I let it cross my mind this week, allowed it. Whereas the last time I absolutely unexpectedly found myself thinking about this, I made myself stop right away, scolded myself and promised not to get back to the subject ever again. This had made me quite sad because I, for a reason unbeknownst to me deemed such seemingly 'normal' things out of the question. I think I was afraid to acknowledge the commitment, love and loyalty I feel for him. This isn't by any means a case of 'all I can commit to is 'maybe''.

When he brought up the subject I was surprised, uncertain, relieved, apprehensive and a little frightened to admit my feelings. I was almost ashamed to admit that I had possibly changed my mind. My first instinct was to hide this, put on a stone-cold mask on my face and say that my feelings about the subject have remained static (that would be lying) - much of that would have been what my female acquaintances and friends would have advised I do.

However, I did no such thing. Instead, carefully, almost not to hurt myself, I paced towards the subject he brought up. To say this is unlike my usual 'evasive action', is to say nothing at all. We attempted to talk about this three times, in between having a good time together, and discussing absolutely unrelated things. This is possibly the most serious subject in terms of our future together and to do with our relationship that we have discussed to date - actually it is. Yet there were no serious faces, no awkward silences, no games to extract information, just honesty, sincerity and a lot of love. The second time, I tried to say something but in the end I was the poster-child for 'uncertain, indefinite answer'. Upon the third time of picking up the subject, I finally plucked up the courage to admit, with my arms locked around him, that in my mind, the verdict is 'it would be nice', he didn't seem shocked, upset sad or.. relieved, maybe he had already known at the time when he decided to bring this up even though I've been saying nothing but the opposite, more like 'categorically no'. Regardless, we smiled, and decided this a decision that we'll get back to one day.  More importantly, it was confirmed yet again. that our relationship works magically.
I was proud of myself for saying the truth. I mustn't deem anything to do with or the future itself taboo anymore. It clearly is not.    

Friday, December 3, 2010

I was wrong!

He hasn't forgotten. Insert "Yay!!" here. He hasn't.

I thought he forgot. Ashamed now.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Dress.

I was walking by the shop, hands already full of shopping bags - Baby Gap, Detskiy Mir (Kids' World), NEXT kids.

I was in an excellent mood due to (in no particular order) - extremely productive (and well paid) morning. Friendly lunch with an acquaintance. My boyfriend is back in town, he brought such lovely and thoughtful presents, we had a wonderful evening together yesterday - I'm so in love. Even when I'm capricious (albeit for good reason, I still stand by my reasons!) - a rare and possibly unattractive state, but happens, he knew just how to go about it.  My daughter had given me the sweetest hug and kiss before I left for work this morning and told me she loved me. My mother was in a fabulous mood which always makes me happy. I slept through the night - which has become difficult for me lately due to personal reasons, I stay up and think a lot, mostly about things that happened years ago. 


THE DRESS. 
http://tashaplusnika.blogspot.com/2010/11/facing-everything-i-love-to-be-which-is.html

I take a deep breath and figure 'what the heck' and walk into the store. I spot the dress right away, even though the several times that I've walked in to see it, it has always been moved from one rack to another.

This particular model of the dress, XXS was microscopic, XS was insanely small, S was the size of what is generally considered XS, this model ran ridiculously smaller than the printed size on the label. I sighed several times before I reached for one of the dresses, hoping for the best, expecting the worst - already angry at myself for having had such a big lunch. With the approving smile of the clerk, I was ushered into the changing room.

I swear it took me far less courage to get my tongue pierced, this time plucking up the courage to slip the dress over my hips took far more effort. The dress itself felt great - excellent quality, comfortable. A few moments later, it was on. Now only to zip it, I thought and held my breath. 

It zipped, with minimum effort even. I stood there, in shock. Staring at myself in the mirror. This may make me sound superficial and vain but there's really no explaining what it's like after having a child. Some women.. they embrace, others they accept their post-pregnancy body. I've done neither to be completely honest - I still want my old body back. The concept of not wearing the clothes I used to and now at 106 (at possible most) not being able to even remotely fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, that would take a toll on anybody's self-esteem. So standing there, wearing something I would have worn 4-5 years ago, it made me feel good about myself, even if it's superficial. 

But you know what? The dress turned out to be not what I was looking for. Go figure. There I was, able to afford to buy it, it looked nice on me (albeit somewhat risque to say the least), and it was -the- goal dress it's not perfect or anything, it was just.. a goal. It was without a doubt a challenge I had set for myself.


Voila, the dress I thought I wanted but could never have and/or wear. Here's me wearing it and choosing not to buy it. This was very much, without a doubt a 'go me!' moment.

Today is a great day to be me. Happy.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The good news.. the bad news.

The good news is that he's finally coming back. Soon.

The bad news, he's about to come back more stressed and under-pressure than he was when he left.

I don't really know what that means in terms of our relationship. Not like he snaps (at me) or neglects to give me attention or anything. It's just hard even conversing with someone when you can tell they're going through a mental 'to do' checklist in their mind. He's got an immaculate memory but would every so often forget trivial details I'd tell him. Or, it's awkward always putting forward the fact that I'm free at this time, on this day and for that long - granted, he always reacts quickly and says he'd love to see me..sometimes he'd seemingly forget so I'd have to ping discreetly to check if he remembers. At the same time I'd put off some things I'd like to say or share because we'd have plans later that day/week and then it'd no longer seem valid. He used to ask when I was free and would say he'd love to see me. Trivial I guess. Much of what I feel uneasy about could be deemed trivial.

He's busy, yeah okay, I know. I just.. I note seemingly the most little, unimportant yet nevertheless existent occurances or just details and collectively, they make me feel odd.

Insert sigh here. These upcoming few weeks are about to be difficult. I guess having had to abruptly change my habitual state of mind, it suddenly seems difficult to return to an 'only me, by myself' mindset. I got used to .. It doesn't matter. I'm not going through things I have never gone through before, quite the opposite. I have done all this before both with the endless support and limitless attention of my ex-fiance and/or friends as well as alone - it's much the same either way. I'm okay. I'll be okay.

Maybe I'm just sad? Lonely without a doubt. I need a friend and some moderately expensive alcohol.

I expected this. I knew if he took a week long break from his routine then when he came back, all the stress and things he has to get done simultaneously would pile onto him in full blown force. Why am I so surprised?

I really am just generally down I guess. Insert another sigh here.

December.
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'Dare to dream?' I asked the complete stranger.

'I'm snappy lately, sorry about before. I lost all my friends in the beginning of the relationship, I was just too into her to even pay attention to other people anyway, still am..

.. You just have no idea what it's like, to have this amazing person, and I have to keep her a secret because our relationship takes the second stance in terms of importance, she is in a difficult situation..' he says the last part under his breath.

'I almost feel resentment towards people in relationships that are developing normally, openly, with complications that branch from the relationship itself and not other sources, like yours probably is...right?' he continues.

'..Riight' I force myself to reply.

'..and seriously, I want to say, do and plan all these things..' he sighs.

'but She's so inwebbed in everything else that there's only so much allocated space and time for you, and you're terrified that if you step out of those limits and boundaries - it's over, but you are bursting with emotion.' I quitely reply.

'Exactly! It's like we do so much and we're together so much but..'

'..but you have nothing to show for it' I finish off his sentence.

'Absolutely! And most people would wonder if she's make-belief!' he desperately stresses.

'..'Patience!' She reassures you, eh?' I ask.

'Exactly! Damn, you must think I am insane for sticking around for so long' he says, but the look on his face signalled he was hoping to be reassured otherwise.

'Love is a gorgeous yet nasty as well as dangerous occurance, we find ourselves doing, believing, deciding and trying things we'd have never even remotely considered, you aren't insane, just in love'.

Silence.

'So..how Long have you two been together?' I ask, cautiously as if this question could slap me in the face.

He circles the figure three on the table. 'Well! ..that's...' I begin speaking and only then remember that my life is far too often like a bad movie.

'You mean three years, don't you?' I ask and watch him nod before I even finish the question.

Insert not a slap to the face but more like complete freaking K.O.

And now, about what ultimately matters - me.

I'm having issues placing this emotion. What the hell is this? Banally hurt feelings, jealousy or envy?.. All of the aforementioned?

I just don't understand. Because if what is going on is really so different, uncanny and special then.. Why? And why not? Is it going to be this way forever? Things, experiences, feelings and emotions that this relationship is seemingly entitled to because it's just so special, well it's actually so deprived of them.

Yes, I am upset and frustrated. Is this because I cannot fend for my emotions not even a week if left unattended? But no, not even.

He keeps saying how he knows that certain things are unfair.

But even the euphoric dose of normalcy we've had recently seems like a freak coincidence and a lucky turn of events rather than anything he and I did to contribute, we just took advantage of the opportunity.

Am I playing pretend? I am sure all the feelings I have are absolutely reciprocated.

Then why? And why not? I don't understand.

I had a dream. As in literally, was dreaming in my sleep. Even in that dream I looked at myself and the events my mind was plotting and I couldn't allow myself to pursue that plot, so I stopped myself, in my own dream and said 'Seriously, get a grip. Don't even go there, these things aren't for you'. Well why the hell not. Oh god.

Yes, that was enough to put me into a foul mood. It was bad. As if I'm not allowed hopes, dreams or ambitions. Is that the case but I've been blinded by what not only seems to be but could possibly be the most perfect relationship I have been in. Things in my previous relationships had never even come close to this. Nothing remotely this good. It was always about fighting for and about something, battling it out, haggling, compromising, manipulating.

But there was always the opportunity for hope, ambition and dreaming - I just didn't want it. Now though..

Why do I do this to myself? I knew thinking about this would upset me but I didn't stop.

Reality is either deceitful and intoxicatingly addictive when he is around or quite the opposite - I am simply freaking out because he isn't here.

On the 26th, we will have been seeing eachother for 3 months, kicking off the fourth. Maybe I am jaded because in terms of emotional investment, I am in so deep nobody can even see me anymore.

I just need a deep breath. I wish people would stop ambushing me. What am I, incapable of discussing subjects besides my relationship? Especially since I seldom get anything but negative feedback.

Meh.

/Rant.

This happened and was written last week. In the true nature of me - I am again, 'okay' now.
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Sunday, November 28, 2010

Winter 2010





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Music.

Are my lips unkissable ?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable ?
Am I unlovable? 
Cynical , jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used
 If I could take back all my sweat, my tears , my sex, my joy I would
My time , my love, my effort , passion, dedication
In a case of mistaken identity 
I gave these things to
you
If I sound angry,bitter, sad, infatuated, it 's the
truth

Denial , anger, bargaining , depression, just a few

Stages of acceptance that it 's really over
It 's just so complicated and I 'm stupid for
believing in you

Is my skin untouchable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don' t
like ?

I had your back, I held you up , I told you you were
good enough

It was not reciprocated , you kept affection and
yourself apart 

I wasn 't armoured, you were king, I gave my
everything
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of
you and then

For just a moment I romanticized the notion
I can take away the torment , I can love you like
they never did

Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don' t
like ?

You make me feel like the act of love is empty ( I
felt so empty )

Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

Are my lips unkissable ?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my sex undoable?

Am I unlovable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable ?
Am I undesirable ?
Am I unlovable?

Is my skin untouchable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don' t
like ?

You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don' t
like?

Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

Colors of Goodbye.

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Friday, November 26, 2010

Facing everything I'd love to be, which is everything I'm not and that I'll never be.

I just stared at her. Her hair was perfect, healthy and shining; skin - flawless! Body.. Envy-worthy. Her outfit my eyes scanned and registered - she wasn't wearing expensive out-of-reach for me clothes, nothing high-end and frankly, had I looked anything like her, I'd have picked better. Except the fur coat, it was gorgeous and boots - those were without a doubt expensive. I had a flashback things I heard last week, something about 700$ boots once bought for someone and how outrageous the fact that they had been left unworn. Another flashback, of myself a few years ago.

She took her coat off. My thoughts? Ranging between 'kill me now' to 'why wasn't I born looking like that?'.

The handbag. What a kick in the face. I.. Love those handbags.

She was a breath-taking chimera of Eva Mendez and Jessica Biel. Only a touch of bronzer on her cheeks, eye-liner, mascara and lipgloss. Beautiful manicure. It reminded me that I never did make time to get that manicure I wanted, which was sad. I test myself this way, to see whether my schedule is healthy or not, I plan to do something for myself and set a week deadline - this week I haven't even come close to being able to fit an hour and a half for myself, very bad.

I may never have that girl's flawless features, but I wish I knew how to make do with what I have to at least remotely appear a fraction as feminine and taken care of.

She stepped towards the cashier and handed her the dress I've seen in that shop before. I liked it. A lot.

It took about three moments for me to get over my envy. The girl was a size smaller than me, much like I had been before pregnancy, possibly even a little bigger but regardless, she was more than a size smaller than me and that dress that I liked that she was buying I had never even tried on - I knew from the moment I saw it that even if I managed to afford it, it'd look awkward on me. I was somewhat relieved I didn't see her trying it on, then I would have been flat out suicidal for the rest of the day.

I bought the scarf I had picked out for my mum and one last time, mentally photographed the insanely beautiful girl who was disappearing out of sight, and headed straight to the children's floor.

I bought Nika some candy and trivial nothings to entertain her this weekend, picked out a few things I'd like to get her for this season and soon headed home.

I carried my almost three year old around the flat later on in the day, for no particular reason, she just misses me, her hugs are the best thing to ever happen to me. I just hope she never looks at women such as the one I encountered, wishing mommy would look like that, because mommy would love to, but won't ever be able to.
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Thursday, November 25, 2010

Three, two, one.

'But All my friends say the absolute opposite', I chime in between sobs that I had been doing such a good job disguising as just the beginning of a cold. I was interrupting him for seemingly the hundredth time.

The handsome 40-something Etro clad corporate access pass bearing man sighs at me; his usually smiling albeit serious eyes evidentally concerned.

As much as I longed to hear exactly what he was about to say, admittedly I was hoping he wouldn't. I was afraid of such a confirmation.

'I'm Not surprised. And they will continue saying these things to you - they aren't living your life and dealing with things you are, they have no real take'.

I was going to speak again, possibly contradict what he had just said alas.. I wholeheartedly agreed, so I forced myself to nod and not speak. Gulping a sob instead.

A few moderately personal questions later and it was pointless to keep attempting to appear sick rather than upset (though frankly, I felt like absolute and utter gutter residue), but not quite looking a wreck. I'd say an attractively crying mess.

He paused to ponder what I just said to him.

'What You have to understand is that unless you speak up, unless you say you are tired, sick, broke, afraid - there is nothing he, or anyone else for that matter can do, and I doubt he would standby idly if you told him'. He stares at me, seemingly examining me for a reaction.

'I Do tell him!' I insisted defensively, and was asked how often I state my feelings 'matter of factly'.

'Saying 'I'm Okay, just tired' is saying nothing, and is even lying to an extent, is that how you want your honesty regarded, as 'incomplete'?' I get scolded.

'You're Making it seem worse. He is often busy and I just try ...' I get cut off.

'Is He too busy and stressed for you to be in a relationship with him? Do you want to, for example get sick or broke to a point of where he has to help you within a moment of notice, at the very last moment, that will surely make him less stressed and busy...'

..silence.

..'Think About what I said'. He encourages as he hands me more tissues.

'I'm Afraid of losing him. And other people for that matter. When you need someone it's so much easier to lose people; it's suddenly you needing to take and no longer you being able to give. It's frightening to find out how many people would leave if you suddenly had nothing'. I admit.

'I Can't speak about other people in your life, but from what you've said about him, the only sure way of losing him is if you shut him out of your life to a point of where he is no longer a part of it'. He says, not even for a moment taking his eyes off the laptop screen.

'I Don't think so'. I say under my breath.

'What Is wrong with you? I personally would never offer any sort of help if I wasn't ready to provide it, I doubt he's any different. This just goes to show that you are an insecure untrusting kid with far too many issues on your plate and maybe it isn't him who is too stressed, busy and confused for a serious relationship, maybe it's you! You know what you're right, you WILL lose him' he says, now peering at me with what at the time seemed laser vision.

I just sit there. My face was burning. Skin tingled. Head heavy. In exactly three seconds, tears poured down my face at such a speed, that I was no longer coping with drying them fast enough to keep at least a shred of my dignity.

..'Now Let's fix that internet of yours' he said.
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Monday, November 22, 2010

Could've Would've Should've

- It's insane how cold I feel. Especially now. It'll pass. Should have said something. I'll forget.

I would have, but I was already upset.

- I'll watch my dad pack tonight. There are many things I could say. Probably won't say anything.

- Timing myself. Gauging my actions. I've got a week. I have to do a lot. However, I mustn't build up these imaginary walls on non-existent boundaries, I don't know why I do that. Then, when comes the moment of needing open-space and no obstacles, I find myself having to mentally tear down these hurdles within minutes, sometimes seconds - walls that took hours, even days to consciously build up all because 'it made sense at the time'. No wonder that I sometimes I can't look him (and many other people) in the eye. I needn't do this to him, myself or anybody involved.

Busy. Busy. (Shut Up, brain.)
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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Wednesday: the Future, Yesterday and Next Week.

He led me into the restaurant, that he called 'cosy' and I deemned 'quaint'.

His friends had already taken their seats. I was acquainted with the girl - we attempted to have conversation at his birthday party and have chatted a few times since, and the guy, I had said all of 5 words to the guy, the other two were all the more strangers to me. To their defense, they are nothing like His Other Friend, ya know the 'Let me tell you things about your boyfriend's past which will hopefully potentially upset you and cause tension as well as friction between the two of you, but whilst that is my goal, I will attempt to convince you that you were the one asking and wanting to know because I am an attention-whore that way and think you are absolutely dim and won't figure out my obnoxious motives' guy. Now given the much deserved nickname of "the Satyr" by the way. As he doesn't deserve anything Satanic, only barely even worthy of something 'pesky'.

"Oooh you've been to Accessorize!" I chirpily joke with the girl. Ironically poking at the speculation most glossy magazines put forward lately; that nowadays, the number of buyers who 'splurge' is far less than the one of buyers who 'spend', especially when popular Accessory shop chains mimic popular/in trend designs so well. But those who know.. know. Albeit this is really an ideally neutral standpoint for the magazines, as they neither praise the splurgers nor diss the spenders. Anyway. She looked at me and said 'No, I haven't been to Accessorize' friendlily but instead of explaining myself I frantically tugged on my boyfriend's sleeve, signaling the need for alcohol and food.

The evening rolled on and was fun. Later, at the second place we went to, Boyfriend and his colleague/friend ensued conversing about business. "No! I'm not bored!" I insisted as I dozed off to sleep on boyfriend's shoulder. "You're so bored you're texting your Ex!" he laughed at me, as I snuggled up comfortably.

"You've been busy this week" I pointed out the obvious. He agreed. I didn't feel neglected or left out, not even a bit, just noticed how busy he was and didn't want him to struggle to fit me into any schedules or compromise plans - he doesn't like it when I talk that way and I don't like feeling that way as I know for a fact that he loves spending time with me, I have no doubts about that.

He asked me what was wrong, a question he is accustomed to asking weekly I suppose. Just to get caught-up on the mess my brain creates throughout the week. I explained, the way I usually do.

"Of course I'm not leaving!" he says, and looks at me as if I've just said something ridiculous. "I know you aren't leaving Moscow" I reply. I couldn't tell whether he was looking at me with endearment, frustration or whether he was altogether absolutely baffled at how I still don't seem to grasp certain things he believes have been basically established. "I can't imagine my future without you." He clarifies, as if that's something I'm supposed to know with it going unsaid and then he attempts to get me to make eye-contact, to catch my gaze, which at times is just as if not more difficult than striking a fly dead by means of a sewing needle.

Soon after, we left the crowd. I got home at about 5:30 am and was up for work in barely a few hours.

Last night, was yet again proof how amazingly well we go together. As we have already agreed about - as we chit-chatted on Facebook although we were in the same flat. My daughter really looks forward to seeing him. He's cautious but really good with Nika, and really patient. Even though we were more than he had bargained for as he had been really tired.

He's going away as of Tuesday. For a week.
Away for a bit of business and away for a bit of a rest.

"Bizness" As my friends put it. As if the concept of a man staying faithful is all together baffling. They keep wanting me to think otherwise. Why? What kick out of it do they get?

Plans? Well: Buy a 'My Boyfriend's Out of Town' t-shirt

But actually:
  • Lose about 6-8 pounds
  • Get a manicure (for the love of my sanity)
  • Get caught up with people I am looking forward to seeing and with those I'd rather not see yet
  • Work a lot
  • Spend time with my munchkin of course

    Friday 19th, November.

    Good night, world!
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    Wednesday, November 17, 2010

    Crosswords.

    I stared awkwardly into my coffee. "So, yeah, in a nutshell, that's why I think it's working so well". I explained about my current relationship. Silence.


    "He says it's effortless and I suppose I agree". I continue, not sure whether the silence was the urge me to keep talking or to signal that it was time for me to stop.


    "That's why". He fires, between long drags of a cigarette.  He suddenly looked different but I couldn't quite place why.

    "Emphasize?" I reply instantly. Staring at the person I more-or-less consider a friend.

    "Because you're both clearly struggling but with different things, had your relationship with a struggle also, neither of you would bother". Said he, upon noticing that I was about to disagree, he instantly continued ".. fine, 'bother' is the wrong word to use, neither of you would have the strength to battle for yet another thing in life, it would suddenly stop working.".

    I remained silent and stared at the crossword we had originally decided to try to figure out over coffee. Why and when exactly did this pseudo-friendly caffeine fix turn into a full blown analysis of my current relationship. That was the second time in the last 12 hours, by a different person."Think about the future!" they both chided at the end, just exactly, on the dot 12 hours apart.

    "I hope it never gets complicated and never ends up something you two have to fight for otherwise it'd just end, which would be a shame since you seem happy". He took another drag of the cigarette. He doesn't smoke and isn't a smoker, I thought to myself as I looked at him and realized that was exactly what was different. 

    I've noticed that I seldom even let conversation touch the subject of my love-life as it generally ends up turning negative. I am as it is quite frightened - this is new for me. I don't want to deal with other people's projections and prismatic perspectives so I shut many of them out. I feel more comfortable that way. Up until the point when I realize that I have not much other than him in my life which.. doesn't feel uncomfortable or wrong, just unsafe in terms of what's wise to do and what's not.

    He has far too much going on in his life besides me, which is by no means a problem, just a fact that I understand and accept, he makes sure I never feel neglected or deprived of attention, the rest is up to me not to over-analyze and get worked up over - I fail epically at that, several times a week. He never judges me for it but only reassures me understandingly until I feel better.  

    Found myself mentally barricading myself this morning, in some sort of safe place in my mind. Was thinking about life when it's just my daughter and me. But I love him, a lot. So I found myself rushing to tear the barricade down and get back to reality - I don't have to be alone. Undoubtedly, this relationship is undoing much of what my previous relationships have tangled up - in the good way, this is how it should be.


    "I think about the future a lot." he said tonight after I asked him what he thinks about before falling asleep. And then he told me in a gist, what.

    So maybe when we think about the future we think about different things, I may think of him more in that aspect because I have different things going on, that's frightening. I don't even know if he ever thinks of me in the context of the future, much of his present seems to be about me, I don't ever doubt that. I think we have something really great, he never gets tired of agreeing and vice-versa, isn't that by default something that could grow into a future? He's objective - that's a good thing and never would he so much as say that we have no future together, quite the opposite, but..

    Future is as taboo of a subject to him as my past is to me. Fair enough? I suppose it'll have to be.

    Tuesday, November 16, 2010

    Meh.

    Well, this is weird. Unlike me. Lack of sleep to blame? Mind-shocker. No way. Granted, I have had all sorts of odd thoughts and realizations lately.. But this here is absolutely unacceptable.

    Must.Not.Even.Go.There

    I don't think such things are ever going to happen. Never say never, alas.. Never ever, have I ever not said 'never say never'.

    I mustn't so much as consider the notion. Otherwise .. No, not even. Never ever. Never?

    Good night, world.
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    Saturday, November 13, 2010

    In a mind far, far away.

    I didn't get much sleep, so when I woke up startled at 5-something am, searching for familiar outlines and angles, placing the walls. I was home, as usual, I always know that.. I just don't always remember it at the time of waking up. I could already tell the day was going to be a disaster.

    By the time I closed my eyes tightly enough to be able to fall asleep my alarm was screaming at me with piercing sounds. I scrapped myself out from under the blanket, kissed my sleeping toddler on the forehead and let the cat out onto the balcony.

    "You look nice today!" I got told first thing upon arriving at work. I ignored it, was too distracted by a lingering feeling unease and my heart pounding.

    Hours later, home. In the afternoon, there was a conversation. I left. Got under the blanket to warm up - the conversation had left me cold, a little shocked even. I could understand, justify and even logically explain everything that had been said in the conversation - I understood all of it. I didn't understand why I was suddenly crying, why I could accept certain things just half an hour ago but now they had suddenly become impossible obstacles, I was frustrated and upset, but said nothing. Because things are the way that they are, nothing is about to change. With time maybe, I'm hoping, but otherwise, no. My phone, as if to spite, remained quiet, so uncanny for it to these days.

    I called a friend. No answer.
    I called again. No answer.

    Finally, my phone belted its default ringtone.

    "Tell me the truth, tell me all of it, is there life after such things?" I frantically demanded of him, instead of a basic "Hello".

    And so he told me what he thought the truth was. He talked, while I cried. It's all either better, or worse, but it's all based on what used to be anyway. It circles around what used to be, and will continue to circle - he explained.

    "Sweetheart, what you don't understand is how it is out of your hands in this case. It's not your decision, but it is your risk". He urged me to calm down, possibly realizing, towards the end that this wasn't just some abstract curious question I was asking.

    I continued walking to work, head throbbing, eyes burning. Staring at the asphalt, seemingly reasoning with myself but failing miserably - "I am -not- going", I sternly decided. "In fact, I won't even consider it until I get a sign from bloody God himself" I remember angrily thinking to myself.

    I carefully step onto the escalator to descend into the underground. A stranger walks down and stands in front of me. I felt as if I was about to burst out crying again, this time because of hurt and frustration, and because how I suddenly felt like an accessory, one that's great to have but ultimately useless, maybe pretty and attention grabbing, amusing, in-season, but useless and worthless. This was unjustified and untrue, but at the time it seemed like the absolute truth.


    "In fact.. everything, I will..." Something shines and grabs my attention, breaking my chain of thought, even though my vision had been blurred by the tears, I instantly recognized what I was looking at. The person standing in front of me, his backpack, the keyring attached to the back of it.
    An Eiffel Tower. 

    My phone hysterically rings. I answer it. "You are not telling me that you are with a person who .. ?!?!" My friend screams into my ear, I quietly  reply that I'll call him back, though I never did.

    The guy with the backpack, whose attention had been grabbed by my maliciously loud ringtone turned around and seemed to be startled by the fact that I had been crying, evidently.

    He asked if I was okay.
    "Is it nice in Paris?" I blurt out, instead of answering his question.
    "Yeah, it is.. you should go!" He replies enthusiastically.



    My head seemingly couldn't hurt more. I lost count of how many caffeine fixes I had had throughout the day, as I downed one more in the waiting area. I hadn't realized how many fears, concerns and worries I had. Where had it all been lurking? I knew each and every one of them, as I mentally scrolled through them as if they were slides or pictures, even knowing why I put off mentioning them or talking about them - each seemed so trivial and temporary at the time, more like a spur of the moment emotion, triggered by something or other. Then I'd occupy myself with doing something else and feeling something else and it'd no longer be worth mentioning to him.  

    Panicked and overwhelmed, feeling eerily alone - I haven't felt alone in months, but yet.. there I sat, suddenly frightened, alone, confused, upset but worst of all - reluctant to call him for fear of disturbing him  in one way or other, interfering in his life or interrupting something more important. I punched a '<3' into a text message instead and pressed 'Send'. I felt as if he didn't need 'this' right now.

    I took a deep breath and got on with what I had to get done at work which was difficult as I just wanted to hide, something impossible at the time as I was surrounded by a room of people who were listening to me speak and asking questions that I answered seemingly in auto-pilot mode, I wasn't even listening to them.

    After 8 pm, my phone rang - not exactly the ringtone I was hoping to hear but regardless, I picked up. On the way home I attempted to place all of my emotions into several 160 character long messages.

    What happened later was yet again, my spur of the moment decisions based on emotions I had been feeling at the time that I had no basis to feel. Thus creating an absolute mess. I really shouldn't be left to think. It's bad for my general mental health it seems.

    I don't regret meeting up with Someone later that night,  but on the other hand, what did I do that for?

    3-something in the morning, I sat on the floor and talked to Doe until my mind was so exhausted that I couldn't emit any legible sentences anymore. We agreed to talk the next day. Nothing he said could break through the walls I spent the last twelve or so hours putting up, no matter how many times he repeated everything.

    Morning: It seemed like I had just shut my eyes when I had to get up again. Scrape myself out of bed, walk up to and kiss my sleeping toddler on the forehead, let the cat out, go to work.

    Talking to Doe was better this morning. At least I had time to break down and figure out what I was feeling and possibly why overnight and thus talking about it was easier, saying somethings - though he can understand me and read me like no other person, I still had to push myself to admit to certain feelings. Though he knows, he understands but I suppose I'm the one living these emotions.

    I don't even know how much sleep I am functioning on, probably not that little but my mind is exhausted. I have thought so many things, so many times in so many different ways, I just cannot think anymore.

    I wish I could simply believe instead. What am I going to do? I don't want to be impatient but I am so tired and upset by the idea of having to be patient. Patient for what?  Because I want normalcy? "Is that so much to ask for?" he had sent in a text message, rhetorically, as later pointed out. Well.. is this so much to ask for? Oh.. patience, right. I know I am overreacting, I can feel it. He doesn't deserve me being upset.

    I am without a doubt freaking the hell out. Help?

    Sunday, November 7, 2010

    "He's nice!"

    "You've done good." beams my barely three year old as she stands on the couch, behind yet between my boyfriend and me.

    She likes him. This is the second time they've met. "Are you in love?" she had exclaimed from the middle of a ball pit in a playroom, whilst digging through the different colored balls and simultaneously looking at the both of us. Neither of us was sure who exactly the question was directed at so we both laughed approvingly.Amused but a little in shock, without a doubt surprised. 'Inquisitive' is an understatement in terms of describing this child. I love her so much.

    At one point or another albeit I could feel myself sitting there, in that living room, it was as if I drifted off by means of my own thoughts and was observing from aside - he was playing with her, talking and making her laugh. She was smiling. Eerily quickly, I dove back into my mind and seemingly my body. I was startled. I was at my boyfriend's apartment, for dinner, with my daughter and she was laughing and playing, she didn't want to leave. The sound of her laugh and the image smile on her face while she was looking at him haven't left my mind since.

    He fixed her toy hamster upon noticing the battery had been running out. He cooked for us - an amazingly nice meal.

    In the taxi on the way home,"Are we going to live together soon?" Nika asks in Russian, flawlessly, and uncannily seriously for her age. Frankly, I almost choked on air.

    "Do you like him?" I asked her, in Russian. "He's nice!" she replies in English. "Oh pink lights! Look!" she exclaims as she points out of the window.. "What's going to happen now?" she asks pensively .. "I have to go potty soon." she kicks her legs back and forth. I squeezed her really tightly, hoping my two year wouldn't ask questions I couldn't answer.

    I cried for a little last night. Mostly because everything is just so right. So much so that a part of me refuses to believe that nothing is going to go wrong. Now Nika is involved.. but I just feel so safe with him, never did it cross my mind not to introduce the two. Whereas had it been Someone else.. anyone else really the notion of introducing someone I've been seeing to my daughter would be considered inadequate and freaking insane.

    She gave him a reluctant hug before we were leaving. She has never hugged anyone whom she hasn't known for the better part of her life.


    "Do you have a photo of him?" she asked me when I was putting her to bed, as she flicked impatiently through her favourite photos on my touch-screen phone. Especially the recently taken ones."There he is.." I showed her. She smiles at the phone. "A photo of you together?" .."Uhm.." I mutter. (We don't have a photo together, I realize, somewhat in shock). "Okay, next time." she says and clumsily rolls over onto her right side, pushing the phone away.





    "As long as it's a good kind of crazy! Take this opportunity.. meet me for drinks." a text message in my phone flickered at me later that night. Someone else. No, of course not. I couldn't and didn't reply. Nika was smiling in her sleep.

    "So.. Nika really likes him." I explain to my mother over coffee the next morning.

    "He's nice!" beams Nika from across the kitchen, still dragging her blanket around, barely awake but overly enthusiastic.

    Monday, November 1, 2010

    Geiger counter.

    So on the 30th and twice today. I'm just tired?

    He held me, and said everything was going to okay and just for a moment it sounded so true and convincing that I even believed him. But shook my head no when he asked if I wanted to talk about things.

    I know why I surround myself by such people. That way, I'm not the only one. I guess. I want out though. It's not right.
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    Sunday, October 31, 2010

    Guests And Weasels.

    "Weasel?" I read the shirt. 


    "Uh.." I finally manage, glancing over at what I was wearing, standing the frame of the front door. Still holding my phone. "Whatcha doin'?" the conversation had started out. "Oh just hanging tonight". I had said. 

    "Uh." I repeated. "But... Uhm okay, Hi.."   "Weasel?"

    Tinkerbell PJs, white tank top with a coffee stain. Purple socks. Fair enough - 'weasel'. Like that... 'Weasel' ..

    "So this is Maxim!" my unexpectedly-drop-by-friend announces eagerly.

    I sigh. Out loud. It's not that I'm anti-social, down, restricted, busy or tired - I was at there, in my Tinkerbell PJs.. I didn't want to meet Max or ..anybody really.

    Mondoro Asti - Silver.

    Scroll forward an hour later after the cake has been eaten and the tea drunk. "It was nice meeting you Max.." I emit as I see the complete stranger out, knowing I will never be in the same room with him ever again.

    I turn to unexpectedly-drop-by-friend. I don't think my eyes could have rolled further back into their sockets and my groan couldn't have been more loud and unattractive and uncharacteristic of somebody my size and gender.

    "Okay. Sushi-sushi, Beer-beer, Dance-dance!" unexpectedly-drop-by-friend beams.

    "Sushi-yes, Beer-yes, Dance-No go". I monotonically reply, with such an apathetic face that Droopy would have been proud.

    Scroll forward Mondoro Asti Silver later.

    "Ya see, the thing with men is.."  unexpectedly-drop-by-friend attempts to educate. 

    "No I don't see, nor do I want to lodge him into a 'men' category". I said blatantly cutting in, poking a cucumber roll with a chopstick. I had eaten so much by then that I literally, felt sick. I 

     "You know what? I change my ways all the time. In fact, I just changed my ways the other day. I'm eager, I'm faithful, I'm attentive and loyal.. and I give this 3 months - at most". unexpectedly-drop-by-friend insists at me. 

    "And I'm not claiming that I am absolutely confident in the fact that there isn't going to be pain ahead, I even know what kind, have had several tastes already even, and there's risk of all sorts, and it's frightening as all hell sometimes, and I'm too attached too quick, can't even make it through the day without him, but really, so what? Too late now." I pour my heart out and sigh. He wasn't even listening.

    "You look so dainty in those! Have you lost weight?" unexpectedly-drop-by-friend has clearly stopped following what I was saying. 

    "No. Gained some. Don't call me dainty.". I mutter.

    "So wait, what are you going to do, since you know all this?" unexpectedly-drop-by-friend said, concerned.

    "Go on a diet." I hiss.

    "So let me just ask you this.." he continued..
    I reach for the Mondoro Asti Gold.

    .So.Tired.

    Phone rings through headset - I startle but feel relieved at the familiar ringtone. "Whatcha doin'?" Doe asks. "Cleaning!" I reply, and simultaneously press the "ok" to delete button (contact deleted flashes on screen) and go straight to asking "How are you doing?..."

    But seriously.

    Health. - threw out half a pack of cancer sticks on my way back home last night, that I only have for social occasions anyway. Need to lessen the cancer even while socializing. 
    Sleep. Sleep is good. I heard it benefits people.
    Workout. - As in really.
    Looks - Need.Manicure.Must.Take.Care.Of.Hair. I am after all female, for crying out loud. Is there an Android app. I can install to upgrade to 'feminine' instantly, preferably the free version.
    Diet. - need.willpower. Must.Do.

    K, Thanks, Bye.

    Eurgh.

    Saturday, October 30, 2010

    Happy Birthday..


    9-something, my friend comes into the Munich conference room, lugging the most gorgeous roses I've seen in a while ..so many of them.

    'You Didn't!' I exclaim.

    'I Didn't! Check the card..!' she insists.

    I read..
    'Your First gift, to start the day off right. Love you so incredibly much, Doe'
    I sit there, melting.

    'How many are there!? Have you counted them?' I beam.

    'What Am I.. Sick? To count your flowers, you count them!' she laughs.

    What a surprise.

    ..49 By the way. There are 49.

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    Friday, October 29, 2010

    I couldn't have wished for anything or anyone else...

    I am absolutely in love. I am happy and more importantly there is nowhere else and no other way I'd rather be.

    It's my birthday, middle of the night but just for having him in my life the way he is.. It's probably the best birthday I've had.. Albeit it has yet to begin.
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    Friday, October 22, 2010

    So he went away for a day..

    Granted that in 24 hours I had a major epiphany, missed him like crazy, got a call from a so-called ex, splurged shopping.. Regained a temporarily lost friend, almost got a tattoo, pre-booked a future project for work and spoiled Nika just a little bit more. Got sick, got well. On with life as I know it and did well at it. I live a lot, and fast.

    He was in Helsinki for a little more than 24 hours, business meeting, one night sleep and then back. He almost missed his flight and all in all got no more than 4 hours of sleep these last few days but my phone still busted out its uber-tacky Fur Elise in contemporary hip-hop/pop-ish performance every two hours - and his name never left the top of my Inbox.

    And he found the time to bring me back a dose of my guilty pleasure - UK edition magazines. I didn't even think of asking, knowing how little time he'd have. 

    But he brought me them.
    Happy =)

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    Wednesday, October 20, 2010

    I am, therefore I shop =)


    Digging electric blue and aquamarine (as opposed to my purple binge that has been lasting for two months) and Autumn season sales rock.
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    Monday, October 18, 2010

    Are you running away?

    I think there's for the most part, nothing left for us to 'find out' anymore. He's still here for me and I'm still there for him.

    Sometimes it all feels like playing with dangerous chemicals and like a combustion is inevitable. His friends say 'Don't you dare get married!' mine say 'Get out of his life, fast - he's about to hurt you or you are about to get hurt'.

    I don't think he was ready for me to come into his life when I did but I hadn't even planned to meet somebody like him, but I have met him and I did come into his life and he says he wouldn't change a thing.

    As I looked around his apartment, his new apartment on Friday.. well, really early Saturday morning rather; I realized that I wasn't right before - he does have space, room, location for me in his life. I suppose I have indirectly driven him into a habit of telling me that at least once a day, he doesn't mind, maybe it wasn't my neediness but he does so because he likes to but still, it has been more of a temporary ease of qualms, but that's because of me, not him.

    There are plenty of things that I'm still learning, like my tendency not to bring up certain subjects when we're face to face, and explode with information at him, say.. a week later. I think I try to sooner all the time but find myself steering into another direction and much of it ends up sounding like cryptic nonsense only my brain can work-out. I try though.

    'What about you, how was your afternoon?' said he, after telling me all he could as I made use of my talent of 'avoiding the overall subject of me altogether when need be', but he had so much to tell me that it wasn't difficult.

    A few seconds pass, sometimes his phone disconnects for no reason, so I there I stand.. Waiting for it to - no luck.

    '..Uhm.. I'm okay' I announce lucidly. I think he asked me what happened to make me upset but I was too busy freaking the hell out about telling him, for no apparent reason.

    I hung up in about 20 seconds. Called back an hour later saying 'Okay, ask me what happened again', and he did, and I told him. 

    I'm frightened at how this relationship seems to have a life of its own. I am not struggling, not fighting or battling anything or anyone - what's going to happen if we let it go on the way it has and what if it does. Then how, where and what to? It's frightening. As his presence becomes a more permanent fixture in my life day by day, and every single day I realize that life without him, suddenly would hurt - a lot.

    I never get tired of him saying he'd never hurt me or that there is nobody and nowhere else he'd rather be, it may sound as my hobby has become seeking reassurance, but no, I just have no control over what's going on and how it's going, and where. Maybe I've had a little too much to dream? I hope not. I do a lot of that lately too, hoping.
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    Sunday, October 17, 2010

    Cars.

    Last night, as the car door swung open at me. I just stood there, in the distance, almost ignoring being beckoned to talk to the driver and give him directions.

    I saw about a dozen memories but all in 'still-mode' as if I was quickly flicking through photographs. Mostly my male friends saying 'Don't you dare do that', 'Don't be ridiculous, you are never to go alone!'. 'What? Alone? You never do that alone, I don't care what time it is and what day, if you are ever alone like that I'll come get you'.  

    'I am walking you to your door' Someone said once as he seemingly calculated the distance from the courtyard to my enclosed apartment block, '..but it's right there' I replied awkwardly and shyly pointed. He walked me to my apartment door, and held it open, watching as I got into the elevator.


    Years ago:
    "Did you just  pull over a car to come here, alone?" he asked, (the Past). "Mhmm" I said reluctantly as I  noticed the way he was observing how the car was driving off. His face turned grim and serious at me. "You will never, do that, ever again, do you understand me?". He demanded strictly, angrily as he held my face. "You drive me insane" he said as he peered into my eyes, forcing me to make eye-contact. "You have no idea how to take care of yourself, you know that, no idea at all; and for Christ's sake, where the hell are your gloves, you're freezing. Have you bought gloves yet? Do you have money? Take it! And get warmer sweaters. You're getting sick!" He was shouting at me. I resented him, and smirked to myself, saying 'what's the worst that could happen'.

    The worst that happened, a year later:

    Edited excerpt from post @ 10:26:00 2007-02-26

    [snip]
    ... my hands were frozen and stiff, eyes welling up with tears. Such shock that I had trouble speaking into the phone. "Of course, come right over" G said without any hesitation.  He must have feared for the state of me.

    I'm standing the street, about 2 in the morning, extending my hand to catch a car hoping to pull it all off on the little money I had with me. I could have walked. I should have walked. It would have been safer.

    Two street-sweepers who had been nearby were getting too annoying and too close. 

    A car drives in towards me - I tell the guy where I need to go and for how much and he instantly agrees, sensing how upset and cold I was, I thought to myself. My head hurt to a point of where I realized that I was about to doze off, only I realized it at a point of when I was already dozing off. It was too late.

    When I opened my eyes, the first thing I felt was my mobile-phone still clenched in my hand, hidden in my jacket sleeve - it was the vibration of an incoming call that had startled me into consciousness. I didn't know how I could have fallen asleep.  I looked out of the car window, but I didn't even have to. I already knew from the stench in the air how ugly the situation was and that it was only going to get worse. I felt such shock and apathy simultaneously. I was no-where near the city centre anymore. Only scarcely lit windows of tall apartment blocks, clearly somewhere on the outskirts of the city if not out of the city altogether. I wanted to cry but was afraid to.

    I asked the driver where we were - to which he replied, clearly lying, stammering and even sweating (it was below zero cold outside) he said he could tell how upset I was and he thought it would be good for me if we drove around a little. I insisted that my friend was waiting for me and was very worried probably. 

    The sluggish, overweight figure shifted uncomfortably behind the wheel. The car stank. How could I have not noticed the stench before. 

    There was a nasty taste in my mouth - fear, I could taste my own fear. I think I was shaking but I can't say for sure, I just don't remember. What I do remember, is knowing that I wanted to end the situation, to find out whether I had just been a little too intoxicated to judge clearly, overly paranoid. I remember it took all my courage to finally demand that he stop the car. 

    He didn't. The vehicle, in fact, sped up. 

    My heart was racing so much that I was certain he could hear it. I felt very sick. I was terrified of him hearing the vibration of my phone, still tucked into my sleeve. 

    I threatened to jump out of the car if he didn't stop. I would have. I sat there calculating how much it would hurt and if I would break a shoulder or a leg. How long it would take to open there car door. He sped up more, as if he could read my thoughts.

    Like a glimpse of the heavens - a light at the end of the tunnel: red light. Traffic lights.
    He shifted angrily at the sight of it in the distance. Several cars in front, at the traffic light. The car slowed down and as it pulled into a halt and lined up behind the  several cars in front of us, I maneuvered myself closer to the car door. I am small, the seat seemed huge just then. He reached at me and I jumped away to the far right corner, hitting my head badly on something in front, but I pulled on the handle and the car door swung open.

    I ran. Fast. I was terrified at the thought of him after me but I knew he wasn't, he was too large physically to act so fast.

    I had to get to G's. He was waiting. I remember shaking a lot, my head hurting so badly.

    I caught another car - the mere sight of me terrified the driver to a point of where he wanted to take me straight to an emergency room but I assured him, with tears, pleading and begging that I just needed to get to my friend and promised him that I would seek medical help if I needed it but I wanted to go to my friend. He told me to calm down and told me to call my friend. I did. G said he would rush outside to meet me downstairs. We were on the other side of the city, it took a while to get there.

    The sight of a familiar, friendly figure made me go hysterical altogether. G paid my cab-fare and grabbed onto me and literally walked me to his place. "There's this girl here, but she is leaving, right now" he said to me. I stayed in the guest bedroom. I desperately didn't want to be alone but I didn't want G holding me either. Panicked. He held me in spite of of me pushing him away and made me promise I would never get into a car with a stranger again.

    Spent last night at his place as well. We had a dinner party and had people over, it was lovely. I didn't help with the cooking much. ..[snip]






    And so last night: the moment I sat down into the car, I looked up helplessly at the person holding the door open. I thought I had better call a friend maybe, or go spend the night at another friend's house. Or call my dad. Maybe wait for a taxi service cab - in exactly 10 seconds I plotted out twenty ideas. It was so cold. 5 am. I was without a doubt, about to panic. 

    "Come with me?" I finally managed, pathetic and squeamishly, glancing up at him as he was about to close the car door. He looked at me, clearly exhausted but stepped into the car.


    The driver, clearly oblivious to the 3 minute emotional turmoil I had just been through turned around to face me and said 'What, he's coming with us?".  "Yes, he is and then back here." I replied. It was the last thing I said in that car I think. I felt really dizzy.


    About 15 minutes later, if that, as  I walked home through the courtyard and into my apartment block, I couldn't stop thinking about how guilty I felt for not helping G. with that dinner party that Sunday night, about how I really needed to buy gloves and some sweaters but more importantly, I was also very busy convincing myself that I can check the mailbox tomorrow. 


    My last thought about the subject was, as I put my head on my pillow, that I wanted to go back in time to that street, only 20 minutes ago, half an hour at most and tell myself that I needn't be frightened. I just now know, what the worst thing that could happen is.