Sunday, July 25, 2010

Noctem

We had decided to go out for Sushi, a few beers and possibly dancing afterwards. It had been ages since we went out on a social occasion and not work-related. He asks me often but I decline all the more often. Half the time it doesn't seem appropriate, he's generally in a constant, rapid process of either getting, changing or leaving a girlfriend, or he's back .. to the only woman he goes back to, his ex from 1998. I don't like her much, and in turn she doesn't like me at all. What makes it all the more inappropriate is the fact that we see each other just about on a daily basis, but we're neither friends nor room-mates, .. do the math.

Nonetheless, there we were - out that evening. He was absolutely thrilled with how I looked, not that it mattered as it was just a friendly night out. That is said bearing in mind that I presume that we are friends afterall.

He was wearing jeans, light denim, a little tattered and torn. A black vest and over it a white casual summer button-down shirt. His hair was messy, not how I'm used to seeing it. His wrist watch was absent, to a point of where I thought it had gone missing until it was revealed that he didn't wear it on purpose. He looked nice.

His cologne I couldn't place if my life depended on it, it was more than the standard albeit high-end brand aftershave scent that I'm used to on an almost daily basis.

How I know that he liked the way I looked, and that he in general, liked me that night? That's not some sort of self-confident remark I just put out there, not at all. I know how to read people, in this case, he asked if he could take a photo.

Anybody who likes me, whether because we're friends or if it's banal physical attraction, or to capture a moment we shared - at one point or another they ask to take a photo. An Ex of mine, whom I quite respect (still do, rather surprisingly) in spite of many, many aspects, had explained that it's because there's very little I can offer people besides a pretty picture, but I don't think that's the case. I'd like to think that it's because they'd like to remember things just as they were. And those who don't want photos.. have no idea why they're with me at the time or what they want and what's more, they generally have little to no idea why they want what they do, hence why they would much rather avoid having evidence or recollection, mementos to remind or question them. I have people like that in my life. Doesn't make them bad people, I suppose.. just people I shouldn't turn my back to.

Nonetheless, it's the closest of my friends that had me standing in a hybrid of Shakespearean plays it seemed, that had become our friendship, him and I have always had a separate life from the world, 'our' life, together, and in that life, I stood there, saying 'Et tu, Brute?'. That friendship has become so tragic nowadays, 8 years down the line, comedically so, because I'd rather laugh at it than cry. Alas, that's another story.

It seems we had covered any impersonal topics back at the Sushi place, and though we had the excuse not to talk due to deafening music for a few hours, there we were, about to part ways when conversation just took ahold of us.
There we sat, illuminated by street lights, in this secluded enclosed courtyard, on walking stones, surrounded by a few flower-beds, drinking unjustifiably expensive champagne straight from the bottle, spooning out berry-flavoured Sorbet with plastic disposable spoons, chasing all of that with nicotine.  Sobraine blacks and blue Vogue.

We talked a lot; about everything, everywhere and everyone.

About a year ago or so, the above would have been insanely romantic to me, but not yesterday, today or tomorrow.


'Did he lean in to kiss me at one point?' - The ultimate question that prays to be asked. Yes he did, is the truthful answer. And he's beautiful, in many, many ways .. ugly in many other ways of course, but nonetheless, he's more beautiful. He's beautiful to me but he's just not who I want.

I did kiss him, on the cheek (I can actually count how many times I've done that even though we have been acquainted for several years), and then we said we'd do this again some other time, then I got out of the car, a recent (and scarily fast) Nissan Primera that smells musky and gives me a nicotine fix even when nobody in the car is smoking - that's how much the car has absorbed over the course of time. Walked to my apartment block, he watched as I went in and only then I heard him drive off. I know it'll be another year until either he invites or I'll accept one. If at all.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

What do I do now?

So now that it's been established that I'm not emotionally in a coma and/or dormant, after 3 and a half years of being single and then a 6 month 'I-still-don't-know-what-it-was-and-why-I-was-doing-it-and-what-it-is-now' inspired escapade. However, I am actually capable of having absolutely pure, tender, intentional and consistent feelings for somebody, now I know. ..Yay.


Now what? 

My first intuition is that he's lying to me. In his defense, I know he's getting over major surgery and my expectations are almost unreal and capricious, but nonetheless, I feel incapable of being able to control neither the feelings, nor the expectations .. or the disappointment. I feel like I should emotionally detach myself a.s.a.p, which would in turn ensure that I don't end up altogether plunging into feeling something I'd not be able to control for somebody, because I would take that chance, I often take chances that I can't really ultimately justify but at the time taking that chance feels like the right decision.. and then I find myself upset at the outcome.

For all I know, the feelings aren't even reciprocated. However, if I do exactly that, there's no chance of us ever being together, and for the first time in so many years I actually want that, but more specifically, I want that with him.

My second intuition is to say 'screw your intuition, it's never done anything for you in your love life'. Some days I linger on what I was like a month ago or two - caught in this volatile, unpredictable but undemanding 'thing' with Someone, there may have been no clarity there whatsoever, but regardless, ironically it felt safer. My intuition by the way, is the blame for those 6 months, the 'que sera, sera', the 'I want what I want and I want it now, for now' kind of Tasha-ism approach. It's still there.. I think, if I want it.

No.

J. : What do I do? How do I do it? 

Why do things have to be so complicated, I hate it. I only enjoy complexity when I'm the one creating it, that way I know the way in and out, and generally my way around, in that aspect it's like making life exciting and eventful .. but this, this is just making life impossible.  

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Plan.

Tomorrow I plan on wearing something killer, possibly backless. strapless or off-shoulder. Jeans.

No heels, just classy black or silver pumps. Cherry-scented body mist.
Summer make-up, a lot of bronzes and silvers, an extra coat of mascara.

My signature grapefruit limp-balm which tastes a little sweet.

Hair down, natural i.e. wavy.

I've already got my nails painted a shimmering purple.

At the end of the day, I'll update what the above will have led to, if anything.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

He's a friend of mine.

In trouble.
Paranoid.
Afraid.
Out of control.

I just know they are onto me; I've got a feeling they all know, they just need my confirming. I'm walking such a thin line and I can almost hear the ice cracking. 'What is wrong with you?' They keep asking. 'You're hiding something!' I've been hearing.

I've been acting so differently, people've even deemed me peculiar twice this week. Oh and the way some of them look at me?..  I just know they can see right through me.

Only because this is so hard to hide, so difficult to deny, so impossible to state otherwise.

I tried ignoring this, I even tried not to acknowledge it. It seems the more I try to wait everything out, the deeper I'm in, absolutely helplessly not knowing where to tread but I'm not looking for a way out.

Regardless, I don't want to give up the way that I'm feeling; guess I'm going to have to tell everybody the truth, simply tell them that I feel the way that I do. And I want to.

"It just caught me off-guard one evening in the blink of an eye, one moment I had no idea and the next I realized that I feel what I do" I thought I would soon be rationally explaining. "It's complicated, I can't share more yet", I'll just state to them.


I was just sitting there and suddenly I caught a glance fired at me, it was just so cold that it sent me into a shiver. Then I realized, I hadn't yet contributed not even once to the conversation. Everyone's got me all figured out I think, and their eyes have suddenly gone almost sinister towards me. Why has this got to be so complex; hate it.

'Are you going to explain what's been happening, or are you just going to sit there, like that'.
'Don't you think you owe me an explanation.'
'What's going on in your life? You've been absolutely out of sight.'
 'You're not returning the mail, texts or calls, you can't blame anybody for talking and asking, people have been wondering if anything is wrong.'
'What's been going on with you?'




Help me I'm in trouble.. I think I'm falling in love with a friend of mine.  
Is all I want to say, all I've got on my mind, all I've been thinking about.

 
 'I'm doing great you guys, you know how it is, just being caught in between my 9 o'clock and my noon meetings, constantly being late for my 6 o'clocks. Have some stuff on my mind. By the way, do you even like me blonde? Also, how about movies at my place this Saturday? Have you even heard about what's been going on with... .. '
 
He's a friend of mine.

Don't seem to want anybody else but him. Don't know how to go on feeling the way that I do. I just want to everybody to know the truth.
Help.
I'm in Trouble.
Falling. Fast. in
Love. 
with a Friend of mine.



Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wednesday's felony.

So, this is just amusing.

There I am, at my for 4 o'clock, well, 10 to 4 to be precise. This is a leading cell-phone manufacturer's headquarters, whose name I shall not disclose due to the fact that well, I like my job and intend to keep it.

'You're always early!'; the person I've got the meeting with utters at me, 'Am going out for a smoke', continues she.

Not giving her much chance to reply 'TAKE ME WITH YOU' I beg, well, with more pride than it may initially seem now that I say this.

To avoid the hassle of re-registering at the security desk in order to be able to re-enter the building after the 6 minute cancer-stick break, we decided to outsmart the system, by me using her pass and her using a spare .. and then that idea failed.


We get read the policy lecture.

'Mmkay, so now what then?' I blatantly bitch.
'3-5 years, you were using someone else's identity pass.' I get bitched back at, and dislike it.

So there we are, dealing with one semi-attractive security guard and another moderately hot one, I haven't fluttered my eye-lashes at such a speed in a long, long time. And by dealing, I mean saying 'Ah come on, we've said sorry!' .. apparently, it doesn't work that way.

In less than 5 minutes we were suddenly dealing with 4, seemingly mean security men, 2 of whom were head-security, me thinks.

Eventually, the meanest looking one sort of.. did something odd with his eyebrows, which I think constitutes as possibly scowling and said 'first time felony, let 'em go'.

Off we dashed, following and religiously obeying all the policies on our way out and way back in, needless to say.

That's how I spent my afternoon.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Wasn't me.

Do you know what is strange and not just strange but actually odd in the weirdest of ways? The only witness to what you and I have had is the moon, well, besides the moon there's also the night, and there's no sense even asking why and that's just sad.

So yes, the moon and the night. No, no that's not right, it's not me, that's not my fault. Nope.

Do you know what else? There are these words going around and around, they come back and then go around some more and they are not getting worn out, somebody's saying 'that's fate, there you go'; someone else is replying 'yes, yes, but do you know what I've found out?'. When I track all this down.. oh when I do..  well I don't care what you think, that's just me and how life is, partly what I'm about, even.

Don't look at this all as if you're so above, you are not,  not at all; you just haven't got it. Instead, take a peak, and give me your opinion as to why it's all me? I mean if you're just going to stand there, you may as well, yes?

Well don't just stand there I've changed my mind yet again - come catch up, run after me as it's been days since I'm sort of gone. Chase me a little, will you?

Look at me, I'm such a freak, I've been barking up the wrong tree all this time.

Hmm. Might cross the bridge if I get to it, if I do or I may just burn it the hell down. I can get where I want to some other way especially since you don't seem to be getting me anywhere anyway. You and I have been playing with fire, well at least I know I have, I should stop, but I enjoy pyromania. Would you quit burning so bright?

Walk, walking, have walked away; come, come, come after me. Barking up the wrong tree again, but watch me not care.

I wish you would freaking stop losing everything that I find. 

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. .. Friday, Saturday, Sunday --> Monday.

This was a week ago, add a day. However it had been lasting about 6 months, give or take a week or several days. I thought we’d meet up like we tend to, play a few silly games. Enjoy the time we've got together, and then we'd catch a cab and he'd take me home.

But my mood had been ruined in advance by something that had happened 4 days before unrelated to him but something I was hoping he would just fix.  Judgment day of the general me, it seems had been going on since Thursday of the prior week. I wished they’d stop, I wished they wouldn’t have at all. If only the rumours had been rumours, only rumours and not the truth.  


Then a joke had gone wrong and there were tears, seldom happens but it does. We were sitting down and talking, and he bless him, was doing his absolute best to appear as if he genuinely cares.


‘..and men come on to you?’ asked he, aghast and surprised as if I’m as appealing as cancer at best.
‘No they don’t, in fact I generally have to pay them’ I wanted to answer but instead rolled my eyes and explained that this was beyond the initial point. 
I did explain to him though, what had been going on, even why, why I was upset, why I didn't know what to do, in general that was a lot of explaining. Too much even. 
These things however, he's incapable of comprehending, absolutely. And these things.. they're my life or what life is made up of for me. 
‘Sometimes it’s best to just not see the people you call friends’ explains he. ‘You’re so pretty’, he tries.  ‘You’re not irrelevant to me’ he mimics what I had said to him a few days before. ‘I am not seeing anybody else’, he goes on.  And he was doing so well!


…’However I don’t deny that it may happen at one point or another’. INSERT A SCREECHING HALT TO IT ALL. Or I would have rather there been a screeching halt at that point, a lot of things were said from then on.
There are cases when I have little to nothing to say about or in the address of things.. that night, that was the case.
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Not even half an hour later whilst in the taxi with him, Beethoven’s Fur Elise in contemporary performance blasts from my phone:  1 new message; ‘I’ve sorted it out for you’ it says, from the last person on Earth I had expected to see, appear in my life, even in digital form. 
Exactly three kisses, and then him and I said goodbye. Or maybe the word 'bye' wasn't actually said, but nonetheless I walked away, and he got back into the car, to the annoyingly grim driver.   
‘Thank you’, I type in the elevator and press send.    
Instead I wanted to write more, maybe an e-mail? No, I wanted to call! Then I realized I wanted to meet.
Just to you know, find out.. where, who with.. how life is.  
 
Message Delivered, my phone flickers a light and then goes dark. Now we pretend that that didn't happen.
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Last Friday's night has stolen his name altogether it seems. 
And all he can do in reply? .. is smile sweetly and pretty. His number no longer appears  as 'recently contacted' on my phone, his name in my inbox has been moved to where I can't see, by letters, songs and poems from others it seems. I never expected calls as it is, I know if the phone's ringing, it's not going to be him. So that's that, que sera, sera.

But that what we're pretending didn't happen has been on my mind instead.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

06.07

It was, exactly the 6th of the 7th month, give or take a few minutes, when something just dropped dead and died. Yes, specifically that. What had been keeping it alive is.. beyond me to explain, possibly my mind?

I feel this stinging inside on the one hand, on the other.. What was I after? What did I expect? Nothing and nothing. It lingers though, just a bit. Maybe something lingers for him too, but it doesn't seem to matter, at least not enough, especially not to him.

I almost feel like saying 'what have you done?' whereas in reality, I'm more aghast at what I've been doing and done and the fact that something's been taken away from me, he's no longer beautiful to me in the way he had seemed. Maybe it's because things always seem better, more beautiful, more fascinating when it's dark. Yes, no longer .. to me, whether or not he was beautiful to begin with, is debatable, but who cares now. Maybe I do, just a bit. Nevertheless. No longer. Why? Because I live off the emotions that people put forward towards me; being needed, wanted, sought after makes me need, want and seek - without that, it's all trivial.

Having no more sub-context, between-the-lines things and wonderings, what I thought I wanted - clarity, honesty, but what is indeed, best for me to know, has left me absolutely numb, who would want to feel that way all the time, numb? What kind of person thinks that is bliss, more of, why?

The only thing I know for sure, in terms of him now, is that the way he was looking at me yesterday was just not right, maybe I'm just no longer beautiful to him.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Oops. Scratch the last statement, misunderstanding, I think?

But. The Countdown has started, and is continuing.

July?

So I thought today had been going great.. up until I became faced the the realization that apparently, no not at all.

The thing is, when somebody says that he often has trouble being straight-forward and honest due to the fact that people 'take things the wrong way', and you're all relieved and decide to just be upfront, and then honesty ruins the day.

Okay.

As for.. the other situation that's been on my mind.. - I think the countdown has begun.