Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Oh, okay. I guess.

- edit to add 10 minutes later - : No, not okay, I guess.

- edit to add 10 minutes later - : Okay, sad now.

- edit to add 20 minutes later - :  Better.
I've been waiting for this, maybe even indirectly influencing it. Between this weekend and Monday, I've made about half a dozen of mistakes. I was fully aware of what I was doing at the time and even why, also of the outcome, but nonetheless I went through with these things. I said about a dozen things I shouldn't have to him today. I wish I hadn't.

I then go to him, to check whether or not he still feels the same about me though it wasn't my original intention.

For the first time, he said half a dozen words in one phrase that made my eyes look down and away for a few moments. I don't think it hurt or anything. I guess in comparison it shouldn't matter. I went out searching for this, to find out what it's going to feel like and I got my answer, I knew I wasn't going to like it and I didn't - why I am sitting here and sulking about it.

It doesn't hurt, but I'm still looking away.

Так близко к сердцу не надо.

Then again, if it didn't hurt, I wouldn't have to look away. I guess.

Won't go looking for it again.

Friday, August 27, 2010

About that Oops.

So what has been bothering me throughout the day was a) a song I heard last night and couldn't remember, b) my misbehaviour - not because I regret it but because I was wrong, but at the time it felt more right than ever.

The song I've managed to remember.

I now find myself faced with the realization that I really am absolutely contradictory.

Now.. I want to be at liberty to show up on his doorstep, call in the middle of the night any day, to do all the things I want to do, which I know I cannot do for justified reasons.  Okay. I understand that. I have more of him than anybody else. I should make do with that and not even go to the place where there's a part of him that's not mine. I don't want to know. No, that's lying. I do want to know, I just would rather not have to know.

I don't want him to persist; I want him to insist. I think? What I want isn't right. What I want goes exactly against what I believe is right and the right thing to do. What's right in theory feels wrong, and what feels right is so wrong in theory.

I don't want him to take over; I want him to lead. I feel liberated of the responsibility of having to.. lure in, entertain, maintain, to search for the superlative of every character trait I have to astonish/amuse/bewilder/capture. Ironically, he is the one I ought to be thinking to impress and instead all I have been doing is struggling to be as honest and sincere as possible, remaining myself throughout everything that happens.  
- Mistake? Possibly. I don't want to play games.

I don't want him to help; I want him to aid, but I don't need a panacea - why would he say that? I am not in peril, I am okay. I'm not exactly, but it's okay. For the first time in a long time I'm willing to admit that there are aspects in life that I am not able to cope with. I cannot go on doing my 'I am going to find a way to deal with it' mantra, as frankly I am struggling to breathe. Isn't that the first step?
No, that's just being Pathetic. Stupid. I don't do that.
Less time ought to be spent on all this admitting and more allocated towards actual action. I'll manage. Did I just do it again? It doesn't matter. Fact of the matter is. Action.
I'm so afraid of being able to ask for help. I'm terrified of getting used to having the option to ask. I'm not allowed that. I don't do that.

I don't want him to tempt me; I never want him to stop being a temptation. But he shouldn't be one to me. (I had decided differently.)

I don't want him to do hundreds of things it seems, and then I blink, and I realize that I do want him to do all those things and I'll just call it all differently. And I would be okay with that. That is wrong of me.

Whereas this time yesterday, I was absolutely at ease with the fact that there are limitations and boundaries. I thought it was exactly the way that I want it. Now I'm convinced that it's actually the way I want it.. and tomorrow? What am I going to be saying tomorrow?

I just know there's a tomorrow, which is in itself relieving. What is that? Hope or an expectation. Just yesterday I was saying there's neither hope for anything nor expectations of anything.

I cannot possibly keep changing my mind as I go along, that only leads to getting hurt, I've already been there.

A kiss may ruin a human life.
~Oscar Wilde
Oops.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

However

Doe's been out of town for barely two days - it really is unhealthy for me to get attached to somebody who has only been in my life for a tad over a month, 'oh well', said she and continued. Knowing he wasn't a reachable distance away really bothered me.

I seriously have trouble fathoming what life would be like and it really is the case that him and I do not stop talking throughout the day: 500 text msgs in 2 weeks, not shabby, eh?  We also talk on the phone, e-mail, meet, chit-chat on Facebook. My social life = him and I'm secretly loving it.

The thing about him is that he's a huge 'HOWEVER' stamp, one with feet. Everything about him is 'However!!'.

We have an insanely fun time chatting - however, he's much more developed than I am collectively as a person, emotionally, intellectually, I just don't really acknowledge that fact. Albeit when I brought up the notion that I undoubtedly consider him more intelligent than myself, he made an adorable attempt at not concurring.

We're great at flirting too - however, he's not available.

Let's not even begin to poke at where he is career-wise and where I'm not. (However, professional status doesn't seem to matter much, at least my professional status doesn't seem to matter much to him, for the better as I have plans to become unemployed asap, long story).

Oh there's a plethora of facts and 'however' counteractions. It doesn't matter.

Tomorrow, however, is going to be quite amusing.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

X

So I still think about you and how we were, for the most part in the context of wondering where you are mentally and emotionally as well as wondering if you're okay. Like many things in life, the above is temporary.

You've never been able to grasp that life's all about the ups and the downs - it's a spiral staircase.

I've got someone in my life now. He and I, we're kind of like you and me used to be, but very different. At least I feel about him the way I have always wanted to feel about you. I respect him, I look up to him, I never want to hurt him, and I don't fear him hurting me. I'm nothing like what I was when it was you and I. and he is nothing like you.What do you think about that?

He doesn't want from me, the things you did and do - his love, which I can tell is already there, is not malicious. I knew your love was fused with toxins from the start - I even knew which ones. I was just too lonely to refuse.

You have always wanted to make my life more complicated, more difficult - you have always thought that you needed excuses to be part of the things I do. You didn't think I realized? I do.

Don't know where you are, with whom. What you're doing and how you're doing it and why. I'm through with being any part of you, and the life that I find myself having to repair.

You have always thought apologies were overrated - keep thinking that way, and you'll never find yourself needing to ask, why I'm no longer part of the things you do, you'll only be left faced with the fact that I'm not.

How could you have let such a thing happen? Was I the only one fighting it all the way? How could somebody I've known for weeks become closer to me than you - supposedly my best friend for life. It's not even a question I want answered anymore.  The main difference is that you have always wanted me to become weaker, whereas so far he has done nothing but attempt to make me stronger.

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Lines and I.

The lines that I cross.

Seriously. Insert foot in mouth here.

Uncomment. Untag. Meh. Delete altogether.

I haven't been this sorry about upsetting anybody in a long time. Maybe now I understand in a bit more detail, what certain people meant when they said 'I forgive what/you/everything/the things you do, because you don't know how to be/do/live otherwise'. 

I know I didn't upset him to a point of where it's even going to become a dot on our friendship radar, regardless, it is imperative that I don't do something like that again.

Sometimes I just don't know when to stop the questions, or when not to ask/say/point certain things, I just do as I do, it's not even a case of lack of thought before action, it's more like my actions are ruthless in terms of others' emotions at times. Granted, half the time I really don't care - but this time I really do. There's a means and a time to extract certain information; and for that kind of information, there must me an appropriate setting and a lot of alcohol involved - point noted.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

What Insomnia tastes like





It's sweet, refreshing and moderately alcoholic.. as well as dangerously addictive - just like Doe.

10.5 tall glasses of insomnia (each) and about 6 and a half hours worth of conversation later, we called it a night, a good night.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Untitled.

So what we had.. it must have gone out of season, mid-winter it was gorgeous, spring even more so but just not this summer. Perhaps I wore it out and you decided it wasn't your style or maybe it was vice-versa, or it could have just been us two trying it out, regardless it's the result that we've got left now.

You won't be writing or calling just to say goodnight anymore (which I really liked .. amongst other things, but you know of them all); and when you used to, I could tell how much you didn't want to. I know you did a lot for me solely for the reason of me wanting, I am not about to stand here and deny that.

Now that I think of it, I'm not even sure of what it is that you wanted of me and/or from me. It's better that I avoid knowing altogether though.

This is us parting ways, isn't it? It must be. 

I suppose I knew that one day I'll read something off your lips or shall see one thing or other in your eyes, and on our ways we'll be - to keep searching for happiness, separately; the way we had been before our paths crossed. It's going to be better if I don't turn around to glance whether you turned around to look if I had turned around to see if you did.

In rare cornering awkward meetings, our eyes are going to look opposite ways. My heart's not stone, it'll skip a beat. 

I have no words to get across the bitterness and pain. No words to describe or to say what I feel for you. In fact, I have nothing to do or say anymore, but to stand here and see you walking away. I've always liked looking at you, after-all, you have always been very beautiful.

Instead of stars you're only marked with crosses. There's no such thing as 'us' and it's been back to being only 'me' for a while, in all honesty, much before you started walking away. Don't blame me, I could see you walking before you set off, and you're walking just the way I thought you would.

Must forget all the names, the addresses and moments; it must be easier for you, but this city.. it's still so very you to me. There's even an emptiness now I must fill. Don't be angry at me, nobody is quite like you, and I won't be looking for anyone like you. Someone else. You, in your lifetime the way you loved me, are going to love at least another hundred times. Well, it's all been a dream playing pretend with you, but the alarm's been ringing, let's count to three and open our eyes now. It's hard letting go of you but it's been harder not letting go every other time I knew I should have. It was hardest losing you time and time again anyway. You did make me happy though, many times, honest.

Forgive me for everything that asks to be forgiven if need be, and I'm sorry for the moments, those when I knew I wasn't right. Don't worry, I know what kind of eyes I'm turning my back on here. I also know what kind of games.


New Year's not too far off you know. Autumn.. it has always been my time of year. You'll be burning in those colors.

You will have been gone then and I will have remained, so that leaves us needing to say goodbye now. I'll keep living the way I do until then, and possibly keep trampling over what other people call happiness, I'll be thinking.. Spring, then it's going to be spring; wait, watch and see: maybe I'll melt.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

08.09.10 - August 9th, 2010

You know what.. I would toast to new beginnings but frankly.. I do not want to acknowledge the existence of alcohol right now.

Last night was nothing short of absolutely amazing, however it wasn't really so much the night as it was the person who was keeping me company. The only downside to it is that it had to end, but it's okay, because nights turn into mornings (not in that sense, you pervert), we parted ways at about 4 am and very reluctantly.

I've found myself not only laying all my cards out in the open for him to see, but actually explaining which card is what - eerie and took far more courage than one would initially presume. My ultimate goal is to get to know this person inside out and for that, I'm willing to do a lot.

So I thought he was great from the very beginning (..well not quite, but he had my attention), but getting to know a fraction of his general existence and mind, as well as personality that has me really impressed.

And now I nap.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Karma Chameleon.

Yesterday I was looking forward to my morning because I always enjoy my Friday mornings - I get to see my friend, we have coffee, we're both productive and chatty and it's always fun.The smog in Moscow is absolutely horrible but it didn't harm the mood at all, we laughed a lot, possibly the toxins from the smog slipping into the conference room didn't help. 

Before that though, I woke up to an e-mail from Doe. Over the course of almost two weeks (since the 26th July) we have been speaking non-stop, to a point of where my inbox would feel absolutely alien and empty should I not see his name in bold, marking that the e-mail has been just received. Yesterday, if we take into consideration the morning e-mails, we spent over 12 hours conversing, scarcely taking few-minute long breaks. About 8 hours chatting non-stop.

As priorly mentioned, I just couldn't walk past him, there's something about Doe. There are no unreal expectations, at all. We both keep saying that, I think I may have, in the very least acquired a really interesting friend.

I cannot not mention J.

Inevitably, I did what I have always done when I fear getting hurt or when I get a persona non grata vibe. At one point it was only me who was seeking him out all the time it seemed - just wasn't right. I detached.

I don't stick around when I'm not wanted. I don't stick around in general, I'm either in somebody's life or I'm not. Today he texted, saying he had texted yesterday and it didn't get delivered.
J. says he's visiting in 5 months, the latest. Well you know what, if he is.. I can't wait. Alas, I really cannot wait because 5 months could turn into a year, or two years or never. He has always be him to me and will remain to be so, that's his advantage. The cards have been dealt in this game we've signed up to play and he's got a good hand whereas I'm remaining passive to be on the safe side. But I'm in the game. I just refuse to be -the- game.

My mind is no less smoggy and clouded than the outside.. and if I look out of the window right now, I can't even see as close as across the street, that's what I call confused cloudy.

Gianni = X.

The X in my life. That X that cannot be placed, described, but only mathematically figured out. 8 years now. Eight. He's in my life at the moment because once again I've lured him (not intentionally) by something I have got to offer. Then, when I have nothing, he's not going to offer me something in return, he's not going to be in my life at all. It's a shame that the X = just like all the regular numbers out there, adapts to being anything it equals to. His presence in my life is just like this color, faded but nice, it doesn't make me as happy as other colors but I really like it, and it's definitely there, very much real and just clear enough to be legible and readable. 



"To My Awareness"

I am probably getting myself into trouble here. The bridge.. the bridges.

For more information, must wait for next week.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My PJ addiction.

Tinkerbell is absolutely metal.

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Monday, August 2, 2010

Pompei? - Just about!


This was taken at about 9:30 am, one may assume that is modern-day Pompei but actually that's Moscow - the fires have been brutal lately
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Edit to add: Yes, that is indeed my Garfield 'I Hate Mondays' t-shirt.

Oh, hi.

Oh don't you look at me that way; I was just passing by.
.. I just didn't keep walking.

I've been rather enjoying talking these last few days. Much of the aforementioned talking has been made possible by my new phone .. a splurge in terms of cost but who cares, it's mine now.

Sony Ericsson Xperia X10 mini-pro, Pearl White - can I get a yeeha?

Oh yes, that's a new color you're witnessing right there. Give me a few days to figure this out.