Wednesday, September 29, 2010


It's has been half an hour; half an hour of sitting almost motionless, looking at my phone as if it is the key to the ultimate remedy and all I have to do is dial the number.

The number I keep hidden in an address book, at the very bottom of a drawer, completely barricaded by a cupboard to make access as restricted as possible.

I have already moved the cupboard, dug through the drawer and found the address book.

My days have become like sand in an hourglass. I wish I were strong enough to ask for help. I wish I were.

I see no other way. My last resort. The Past. Bringing my Past into my present. Do I dare? - No.What consequences may follow. Taboo. So Taboo.

I shouldn't.
I mustn't.

I .. needn't.


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Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I don't know what's more frightening - the thought of never having had actual feelings for somebody or the fact that by the looks of things, I have exactly that now. The reason why I say the above is because nothing of what I've had compares.

For the first time in my life I don't feel alone, ever. He gives me the strength that I lack and the hope that I so often lose.

I know that from an outsider's stand point I've got myself into a situation, some of my friends worry. In vain though, I can say that much. Everything is going to fall into place. I am not giving up, neither him or on him.
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Monday, September 27, 2010

What a beautiful lie.

And you would just do that?

You did it all over again. Maybe in a different context this time. But all.over.again.

How did that story go?
"He took the time to carefully bring his umbrella, it was the first thing she noticed. 'You are so beautiful, Maria would never go out soaking into the rain' he said to Sophia who stood there, continuing to soak."

You're right, it's not like we get to see each-other much anyway.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I said 'wait'.

No, the Brain shouldn't shut up, the Brain's right. I shouldn't feel bad about feeling bad. This isn't the nicest of situations to be put into and frankly, had I not had the reaction I did, that would be cause for concern. Screw that. Whatever. A fact is a fact thus shall be accepted as a fact and not disputed.

Being confused, unsafe and undeniably happy has become a general state of being for me this month.

Oh. Month. It uh.. really has been a month. Wow.


Confirmed. To the day.. It's been a month, although given the current situation I couldn't tell you if time has gone by fast or slow. I don't know whether or not I should be altogether concerned at remembering this or not, I seldom care to take note of such things. I do though, this time. Mmkay I no longer want to/need to talk about anything. Is this a sign? Okay, okay.
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So wait.

Point one: shut the hell up brain.
Point two: don't freak out.
Point three: Uhm. Why is this happening again?
Point four:
Point five: epic fail on my part.

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Friday, September 24, 2010

Much too late.

Don't you remember how my arms were locked around you? Don't you remember how you left nevertheless? Don't you remember how I kissed you goodbye? Three times. Specifically. Once for what we had, once to say goodbye and once for what we shall never have again. Don't you remember?

"Улетаешь, ну и ладно
Вышло как-то всё нескладно
Не осталось ни минуты
Вот и всё, прощай.
Почему же, отчего же
Кто же нам с тобой поможет
Кто же нас с тобой рассудит
Лучше улетай
Боль разлуки и усталость
Всё, что нам с тобой осталось
Вот и всё, прощай"

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Well, well, well.

Speak of the devil, but he has always had excellent timing, I suppose.

Is it about that time yet? Apparently so.

I haven't decided what to do yet - probably nothing. I don't even know what this would be for.. maybe closure? Curious kitten is me.


I have for as long as I can remember, lived my life with a simple as well common, albeit rather effective philosophy regarding anything and everything that occurs - extract a moral, lesson or experience out of it.

My unsuccessful engagements for example, have taught me at least half a dozen life lessons. The one that's most applicable here though is 'Don't ask questions when you already know that you are going to be upset by the answer'. In general, I ought to not even get involved in conversations that I know are going to upset me.

Doe said something today, about how I wanted someone I had been seeing before - that I wanted him to change. Nonsense. I wanted him to alter his habits possibly but I never needed nor wanted him to change. It wouldn't have made a long-term difference anyway.

But no, this wasn't what upset me.

I don't do well with relationships - I often make mistakes for no apparent reason. I do worse with 'deadlines' for things relationships entail. If fact, I refuse to comply with deadlines in general. This maybe unfair of me, but I would rather be unfair than have something be unfair to me. Often relationships end due that inability of mine, I seldom care at that point. Inability is just that, not being able to. So he told me about his inability. Okay. I guess?

I don't have to give reasons or explanations - neither should matter really. Why should I even have to quote that excerpt from my biography or wear a warning label with the prelude 'Let me tell you what happened to me in my teen-hood'.

This was my ultimate victory over life or possibly fate - step by step. First going a day without remembering and then a week, a month and finally, years later realizing I stopped even checking for how long a time it has been since I remembered last. One of the best days of my life was when I could no longer reconstruct the events that had happened accurately or remember the details.

Anything that so much as vaguely disputes that so called victory or.. reminds me, forcefully - I don't do well with that. I react inappropriately, without a doubt, I know this. I generally just leave. 

He said he was always fair. This isn't being fair. Not at all.

I should forget that conversation ever happened. I hope I can.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

4 is a crowd..

'You can bribe me with just about any drink' the phrase interjected, breaking her chain of thoughts. 'Hmm?' she replied, feeling compelled to devote at least a minimal fraction of her attention to the person addressing her; his friend.

'Just one drink, any drink' he repeated, patronizingly, annoyingly legibly. She was uncertain of whether or not he was aware that her comprehension of English could send his general ability to speak the language to bitter shame if need be.

She glanced out of the corner of her eye, at his date and wondered whether the girl hanging from his arm was really as oblivious to the better part of general conversation as she had been appearing all night. Later she concluded that 'oblivious date' was either an absolute idiot or an ingenious woman, as you'd have to be either one or the other to find yourself in such a situation and behave accordingly. Without a doubt, a nice girl - feminine. Attractively weak.

'I'll tell you about any or all of his adventures!' .. His friend seemed excited, too much so. She was wondering if she should just remain silent as the possibility could be that his friend would get drunker and all the more talkative. She would rather he didn't, of course. Pleasant company this friend of his, but clearly he wanted to be flattered and that was one of several things that weren't about to happen that night.

This had been about the 4th time he offered that night.

'I.. I'm really not concerned about what he used to do before he met me.. It's different now anyway.' she replied truthfully but almost distantly, so much so she may have appeared altogether apathetic towards the subject.

That was the first time that evening that his friend remained silent for several moments. She wondered instantly whether it was the wrong thing to say.

Mentally she reconstructed her prior conversation with 'oblivious date'. She was asked if she had been single when she met Doe. 'Of course not, although it had been ending at the time; but it was definitely a whirlwind romance' she replied truthfully again and was asked 'Why did it end?' before she even had time to finish the previous sentence. 'Ultimately? It would have kept going, going on and on just not going forward' she admitted honestly, albeit as strategically as honestly if truth should be told. Deciding not to give a chance for a third question, she continued - '..and he is just so worth ending it, and is so much more that there's really no comparing' said she, gesturing at Doe.

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Monday, September 20, 2010

I don't think I can manage much longer.
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Friday, September 17, 2010

Snakes, again.
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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Sometimes I wonder if we are ever going to get to do 'normal' things like that. At the moment the notion seems so far-fetched and not possible. That's sad.

I am not complaining, not at all. It just gets lonely sometimes. Though he makes sure I never feel alone. I love him for that, amongst other things of course.

It's just hard to come to terms with the fact that asking so little is actually asking for so much.

At least this gives me incentive to finally find a way to alter my living arrangements. It's all such a locked circle. I seem to go 'round and 'round until I get so dizzy that I stop. From where I'm standing, I see two choices, neither of which are actual choices. Makes my mind ache and my heart want to break.

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Shut up, brain.
Oh wow.

I really am broken.

Somebody restore me to factory settings, KThanksBye.

I really, really attempted to, really really hard but all I ended up doing was cutting myself off in mid-sentence or stammering. Go me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Bottled up.

So here goes nothing.

After much toggling and debating with my own mind - I have managed to pinpoint the problem.

I have something great going, right? I mean it makes me feel amazing, it's inspirational, I feel cared for, I'm showered with attention and affection - everything is just right.

BUT. (of course there is one, it's me)

I am on the sidelines (I am not being capricious, bear with me).

So there's no dispute that I go about relationships wrongly. I do. I'm at a point in my life where due to what exactly has become trivial, now only the fact that I do remains. Whereas this time it's so different, much worth the chance, effort, patience, arguing with myself and even the tears. 

The issue at hand is this: I'm left to understand, sort out and organize my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and to come to my own decisions and conclusions a lot. Don't get me wrong - that's exactly how all my relationships generally are, to a point of where I manage to somehow distance myself from the relationship itself and it seems like I'm 'doing my own thing' somewhere out there whilst still being involved with someone. I am emotionally-distanced and very much detached.  This time I am en route to just that only for a different reason despite all these firework-like emotions and feelings.

This time, I feel idiotic going to him with my basic math when he's attempting to sort out his own complicated physics. And then I sit and bitterly stare at my own epically failed basic math and resent myself for not asking for help.

I am currently at a point of where I realize that I've gone too far out there in order to ask him to make the effort to come and get me - because I know how busy he is and confirming one more time how far away he is would just hurt; and I understand, and it's okay. So there I stand, a bit lost, a bit confused, scared, indecisive, frankly having no freaking clue whatsoever as to where I am or what I'm doing there and how the hell I'm about to get back to my starting point.This is emotion-wise as well day-to-day life occurrences.

So ironically, in lieu of doing what we seem to do best, and that is communicate - I quieten up because I feel like none of what's on my mind or how I feel is neither worth the attention or the time, and more-of could prove to be a distraction from the things his attention ought to be allocated to; this leaves me 'doing my own thing' when more than ever I'd like to quit that. Generally the mistakes I make along the way don't matter, only this time it's so different.

It's close to impossible to be able to sustain what we have now or let/help it develop into something when I'm off 'doing my own thing somewhere out there' emotionally. Man have I made mistakes already. But anything I feel seems so trivial in comparison. And then I'm just blatantly ashamed to share my 'doings'.

Now I figured out why I had that little lingering feeling of being taken for-granted, it's not because he seemed ungrateful or unappreciative, it's because he knows how I feel for him and this all has been established very, very quickly. On the one hand there's plenty of clarity about what we both want, on the other, I'm kind of.. with the rhythm but also somewhere on the sidelines, a bit confused and uncertain. I just don't speak up because, seriously, what good is bothering him with my little project when he's plotting a grand scheme. Never feeling neglected attention-wise makes it worse because I couldn't even pinpoint the particular issue at hand until today.

Something happened in his personal life, whilst I was attempting to share what 'doing my own thing' has led me to and the moment I found out about what happened I realized how trivial all my 'little' feelings are, I don't even want to talk about that anymore. And that, precisely is the problem. I don't blame or resent him, not even a bit. And then he says he feels as if I have 'shut off the flow' between us. Which is true, but not intentional.

It's just, this is the one thing in my life I am most likely unable to say that 'I'll figure out', because I know I won't be able to singlehandedly, but both his hands are occupied. But okay. I understand.

This evening, upon sharing general feelings rather than events with an acquaintance, I realized what could happen; if I don't learn to speak up: by the time I think the moment is right I will have got over all my butterflies and emotions, or dealt with them as best I could, or just forgotten them or worse - second guessed. What we've got now, may have become settled into what relationships become over time and that is routine. I'll feel robbed of the 'beginning'. I guess. Also, that 'routine' is established on the basis of exactly what's going on now - if I am having trouble now, will I be happy with that routine?

I don't know what to do. And it's very, very bad that I am writing about all this here instead of talking to him about this. But in all honesty - I don't think I'll see him again until either Friday morning or Tuesday evening (the lack of time was evasive action and also a product of not speaking up, now it's too late to go back and change it), and right now all of the above seems trivial due to the fact that he really does, have a lot going on. Meh. I don't feel right. What's worse is, I don't know what to do or how to deal with it, whether or not I will figure out and if so then how.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Apology

Yesterday around this time my thoughts were only about him. As every hour drew by, I felt all my emotions slowly draining - the love, the respect, the admiration; to a point of where they were turning into hurt, fear and resentment, and then because it was too difficult to sustain feeling anything for him, it all turned to apathy. After a very long and bitter cry, of course.

"I have to live this situation and act as though we have already decided to part ways, in fact as if we have already parted ways" reasoned my mind through the tears. Act. But how it hurt, but the show was yet to even begin.

"We have parted ways now."  I was able to say before midnight struck. So tired and drained of the ability to feel anything but a bitter emptiness, I was calm and cold.

Love dies first. Faith soon follows - but it is Hope that dies last.

I had said to myself, that would be the first time and possibly the very last, that neither he or I wish each-other goodnight. I was ready to get lost in a pitch black pit, loud music and the most foul of drinks when instead of confirming my attendance to the above-mentioned exorcism of possession of my mind - a letter, from him.

With apathetic ease I ran my eyes across the lines he sent. He apologizes angelically, so beautifully. I closed my eyes and by the time I opened them again it was already morning.

I wanted to speak, I wanted to write; but I had no voice and no words. Nothing to say, after all, we had already parted ways.

But I couldn't resist hearing him out. Undoubtedly, he knows just what to say; but as always, words are merely words, but he said he is going to show me something else.

Now I'm just treading so carefully - much, much afraid. Waiting for actions to speak louder than words - in the most negative of senses out there. Waiting to see how soon I'll get hurt, and whether the next time will hurt much more or much less or perhaps just the same. 

I really wanted to be weaker this time. To have the opportunity to rest sometimes, maybe even on his shoulder, maybe even with my eyes closed.

I know that I trust him but I don't believe him at all. I'd very much like to.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

My September 11th

So sickly sweet to me, even your each lurid sentence. Now, if I shall be falling - I'm no longer allowed to be calling your name. Simply glorious. No longer is it up to me to exist or not to exist in your life, or to remain; neither is it up to me to take part but has now become up to you to put/love/keep/appreciate me there.

Wasn't it yesterday that you wanted to place bets on how long something seemingly absurd can last/be loved/be kept/remain appreciated? I'd never dare to make harsh presumptions really. What goes around comes back around - you may be the one to stand there losing the one you love. Dare to place a bet? Much questioning remains though, as to whom it is you love - your stage romance.. But when the curtain draws closed..

Ever wonder if by the time you wash that stage make-up off, the person in the audience who had been in awe and admiring.. Will she have left? And then, where pray tell and how, would you seek and what. Your drama.

Does this leave me needing to do much the same? Do I get my very own play? What would you say then? Would you remain? Would that hurt you or me more? Care to debate and haggle over the stakes?

Let's do just that if need be. This all can be foul play - no rules, no laws or principles, only the initial agreement that neither of us is allowed to quit.

Act 1, Scene 1: In her mind

'My hair still smells like yesterday' thought she to herself.

'I Really miss your hair in my face' goes the song. '..and I think you should know..'

"To be or not to be?" - Not the question. 'How much shall he miss her hair in his face, if at all' is the ultimate one lingering.

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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

That, what's not there.

'Let's talk about the dark' he offered. 'I don't want to talk about the dark' replied she. He wondered if the dark frightened her. 'I'm not scared of the dark, I just don't like speaking about it' thought she. Neither of them continued the conversation.
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Tuesday, September 7, 2010


It's so hard getting back into the rhythm that had been left off after a bitter dose of apathy in order to avoid going into evasive action all together.

I have also taken note of something. - I want to check for this but feel as if that could be not only prying but also blatant invasion of privacy but at the same time my feelings are also at stake, at the moment those are priority.

But even if my suspicions are confirmed, then what? I don't see myself waking up and suddenly quitting.

Monday, September 6, 2010

And the truth shall set you free.

No seriously. Go the hell on.

I know. You know. You suspect that I know. I know that you suspect that I know.

In other words, I know that you know that I know and you know that I know that you know.

We both know, quite obviously.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

I need to take a looong breath.
Count to three.
And then put my chin up; go out and get into trouble.  Or stay in and get into trouble. I don't care anymore.

I just don't want to be alone tonight, and I don't want to have to take another breather.


Last night was deliciously inappropriate fun.

The bad news: friends don't behave that way; the good news: 'friendship' is such a vast and relative term.
I'd change nothing for the most part, except I got just a tad carried away, but he did too, so we're even that way.

I'd say that we parted ways just in time last night.
To say we 'click' is saying nothing at all really. A chemical combustion more like. And it's a hot one.


He's worth the chance though. 

Today comes as a reality check. We don't really.. what's the term 'not talk' throughout the day. In fact, it appears as if we're actually constantly in communication, scarcely taking breaks because work and life demand we do. 

Today we haven't been speaking much. I know the reason, but that reason is like a bucket of cold water over the head first thing in the morning. Mind you, the bucket full of cold water itself on the head and not the water in contains. Patience is virtue, I guess? Nothing good ever comes gift-wrapped anyway. 

'Porcelain'; I thought myself earlier today.

Some days I wake up tired.

Considering I only have 4 secrets, telling him one of them yesterday meant a lot to me. I was both frightened to and certain I was making a mistake by telling, but also relieved.

He didn't look down at me. Or maybe he did but made an effort to conceal it. That would make the both of us, I guess. I had been putting indescribable effort into concealing something all week from every person I encountered, until he asked about it and I just told him.

I showed him, rather. Well, gave him a glimpse, I guess. His reaction was.. lucid. - "No!". I know, it's 'No!'. I really do know.

I have always lived by one rule: you don't tell people things, or show them emotions which can and shall be used against you. At this rate, he's got so much, if it should ever go down, I'll have hell to pay. But that would be my fault. A bitter lesson, maybe?
That's so wrong. I shouldn't do that.

On another note.

I suppose the fact that I haven't been able to neither control nor exit the situation for two years would also make me.. not well, possibly emotionally. Mk's not well; and truth be told, he hasn't been well for many years now. If I were to leave him, that wouldn't just be me leaving him; it would be me leaving him alone, absolutely alone - no devil, no god, nobody else, alone. I can't remain though. I thought I could. I have been thinking that for a year. Then he gets better, slowly but surely, and then he regresses; and then he gets better again. But ultimately that is called remaining static. I know this. I am not oblivious.

Yesterday, he said he trusts my judgment and capacity to handle this. I felt like collapsing right there and telling him he really, really shouldn't, but I didn't.  I only learn from trial and error, in general, life is much about that for me, trial and error. Some errors.. I end up merely a shell of what somebody else can call a person.

I think I'm figuring everything out though. I will.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Note to self.

I was so right. The timing is just inappropriate. When things are better, I'll explain but maybe by then there won't be a need to even explain anything.

I think I may feel better now. Well not really actually better, not that I was feeling bad or anything, it's more like I'm confident that my initial decision was the right one, maybe?

But I really do feel better, just takes some time and a little breathing to get things into perspective after you've been shaken really hard. Just needed to regain focus.

Edit:  I feel guilty.


Quite obviously; when it rains - it bloody freaking hell pours.

Okay. No biggie. I'll figure it out.
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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

How ironic that today was first of September - 'day of knowledge'. And I sit here contemplating whether or not I should let certain things be known.

Cover her face! My eyes dazzle; she died young.

I'm starting to think I should really say something about this. Not just to him. In general. I don't know what he'd say if he found out or how he would find out unless I tell him, and what he would say if he found out without me telling him beforehand. I'm far too vibrant lately, to hide the gray - I give it less than a week before he's onto me, but in a week there'll be no gray to cover up. Okay.

'Say' isn't even the proper term either, but 'speak up' is far too victimizing in terms of myself. I am happily convinced that I'm dealing with this, just as I have been for a sufficiently long time. Has it really been over two years now? And I am. There has been progress. So it may not seem like much in terms of how serious and complicated the situation at hand is, but it only seems that way, honest. It's just when somebody has such a long way to go, baby-steps seem ridiculous in terms of being praised for. Alas when it's somebody you care about, it's not how small the step that counts, it's the fact that the steps are being taken. It's going to be okay. I'm not even 'convinced', I know this. It used to be, and it's going to be.
Regardless, wasn't it Marilyn Monroe who said that somebody who cannot take her at her worst doesn't deserve her at her best, now I've just to think up a way to apply that to this current situation.

I've never had to so blatantly distract attention before   - no that sounds deceitful, more like, direct attention elsewhere, I guess. I get praised far too often for being so straight-forward and honest, what people don't quite realize that I'm just incapable of lying, I'd sooner avoid the question altogether, openly so if need be. Haven't feared losing somebody in a rather long time, thus anything that could serve as reason for him to turn away I feel compelled to .. not show. I stick to my original statement, I really am not hiding anything from him. I am just hoping that the honesty that's proved to be so hard to put forth from my side is being reciprocated from the other side.

He thinks I over-analyze - it's actually me taking the whole picture into perspective.
He doesn't need this right now, not from me. I don't think any of this is going away, I'll have time to explain, at a better time, when he doesn't feel like it's him against the world. Did I just say that none of what's going on is going away? No. It is, of course it's going to. 

 What if he decides not to stay? If that's the case, then it'd only be losing something and someone I didn't have anyway. I would miss him terribly. I am not doing anything wrong, from what I gather, he wants things to remain exactly this way and that makes it my responsibility not to bring focus onto details that could influence that decision. I lie, it was me who said that I wanted things to remain the way they are, or that I would like them to. He said he didn't know what he wanted. 

Then there's what I've been occupying the other functional part of my brain with: the girl. 

She reminds me much of what I was like after Kyiv - the second time, when everything had been shattered. I remember being slapped in the face with the fact that I don't like anything about myself and that I had been so busy with trying to accommodate somebody else's likes and preferences, (which just happened to be contradictory of what most people prefer, value and respect). It was an ugly time full of ugly feelings. I wish somebody had been there to tell me that I wasn't as hideous as I had thought I became. I lie. I have never been good at listening to what people say about me - I even find a way to disagree with compliments most of the time. For no particular reason, I just don't know how to accept praise. 

I want to help her without actually changing who she is. I don't like this habit and/or doing of mine, I don't help it seems, I repair and then alter.  It's neither fair nor good to do when somebody is expecting help from you, they're unable to realize that you're altering them as they were from the beginning too emotionally worn out or weak to be able to help themselves up. Just because they like the changes doesn't mean that these changes are going to benefit them in the future. This time I want to try and just help.  


nothing happened on Monday, with anybody in any way, anywhere.

Which in itself is quite odd to me. As, purely theoretically there's no reason for me to freak out about something happening with somebody in some way, somewhere.

Odd. Odd. Odd.