Sunday, October 31, 2010

Guests And Weasels.

"Weasel?" I read the shirt. 


"Uh.." I finally manage, glancing over at what I was wearing, standing the frame of the front door. Still holding my phone. "Whatcha doin'?" the conversation had started out. "Oh just hanging tonight". I had said. 

"Uh." I repeated. "But... Uhm okay, Hi.."   "Weasel?"

Tinkerbell PJs, white tank top with a coffee stain. Purple socks. Fair enough - 'weasel'. Like that... 'Weasel' ..

"So this is Maxim!" my unexpectedly-drop-by-friend announces eagerly.

I sigh. Out loud. It's not that I'm anti-social, down, restricted, busy or tired - I was at there, in my Tinkerbell PJs.. I didn't want to meet Max or ..anybody really.

Mondoro Asti - Silver.

Scroll forward an hour later after the cake has been eaten and the tea drunk. "It was nice meeting you Max.." I emit as I see the complete stranger out, knowing I will never be in the same room with him ever again.

I turn to unexpectedly-drop-by-friend. I don't think my eyes could have rolled further back into their sockets and my groan couldn't have been more loud and unattractive and uncharacteristic of somebody my size and gender.

"Okay. Sushi-sushi, Beer-beer, Dance-dance!" unexpectedly-drop-by-friend beams.

"Sushi-yes, Beer-yes, Dance-No go". I monotonically reply, with such an apathetic face that Droopy would have been proud.

Scroll forward Mondoro Asti Silver later.

"Ya see, the thing with men is.."  unexpectedly-drop-by-friend attempts to educate. 

"No I don't see, nor do I want to lodge him into a 'men' category". I said blatantly cutting in, poking a cucumber roll with a chopstick. I had eaten so much by then that I literally, felt sick. I 

 "You know what? I change my ways all the time. In fact, I just changed my ways the other day. I'm eager, I'm faithful, I'm attentive and loyal.. and I give this 3 months - at most". unexpectedly-drop-by-friend insists at me. 

"And I'm not claiming that I am absolutely confident in the fact that there isn't going to be pain ahead, I even know what kind, have had several tastes already even, and there's risk of all sorts, and it's frightening as all hell sometimes, and I'm too attached too quick, can't even make it through the day without him, but really, so what? Too late now." I pour my heart out and sigh. He wasn't even listening.

"You look so dainty in those! Have you lost weight?" unexpectedly-drop-by-friend has clearly stopped following what I was saying. 

"No. Gained some. Don't call me dainty.". I mutter.

"So wait, what are you going to do, since you know all this?" unexpectedly-drop-by-friend said, concerned.

"Go on a diet." I hiss.

"So let me just ask you this.." he continued..
I reach for the Mondoro Asti Gold.

.So.Tired.

Phone rings through headset - I startle but feel relieved at the familiar ringtone. "Whatcha doin'?" Doe asks. "Cleaning!" I reply, and simultaneously press the "ok" to delete button (contact deleted flashes on screen) and go straight to asking "How are you doing?..."

But seriously.

Health. - threw out half a pack of cancer sticks on my way back home last night, that I only have for social occasions anyway. Need to lessen the cancer even while socializing. 
Sleep. Sleep is good. I heard it benefits people.
Workout. - As in really.
Looks - Need.Manicure.Must.Take.Care.Of.Hair. I am after all female, for crying out loud. Is there an Android app. I can install to upgrade to 'feminine' instantly, preferably the free version.
Diet. - need.willpower. Must.Do.

K, Thanks, Bye.

Eurgh.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Birthday..


9-something, my friend comes into the Munich conference room, lugging the most gorgeous roses I've seen in a while ..so many of them.

'You Didn't!' I exclaim.

'I Didn't! Check the card..!' she insists.

I read..
'Your First gift, to start the day off right. Love you so incredibly much, Doe'
I sit there, melting.

'How many are there!? Have you counted them?' I beam.

'What Am I.. Sick? To count your flowers, you count them!' she laughs.

What a surprise.

..49 By the way. There are 49.

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Friday, October 29, 2010

I couldn't have wished for anything or anyone else...

I am absolutely in love. I am happy and more importantly there is nowhere else and no other way I'd rather be.

It's my birthday, middle of the night but just for having him in my life the way he is.. It's probably the best birthday I've had.. Albeit it has yet to begin.
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Friday, October 22, 2010

So he went away for a day..

Granted that in 24 hours I had a major epiphany, missed him like crazy, got a call from a so-called ex, splurged shopping.. Regained a temporarily lost friend, almost got a tattoo, pre-booked a future project for work and spoiled Nika just a little bit more. Got sick, got well. On with life as I know it and did well at it. I live a lot, and fast.

He was in Helsinki for a little more than 24 hours, business meeting, one night sleep and then back. He almost missed his flight and all in all got no more than 4 hours of sleep these last few days but my phone still busted out its uber-tacky Fur Elise in contemporary hip-hop/pop-ish performance every two hours - and his name never left the top of my Inbox.

And he found the time to bring me back a dose of my guilty pleasure - UK edition magazines. I didn't even think of asking, knowing how little time he'd have. 

But he brought me them.
Happy =)

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I am, therefore I shop =)


Digging electric blue and aquamarine (as opposed to my purple binge that has been lasting for two months) and Autumn season sales rock.
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Monday, October 18, 2010

Are you running away?

I think there's for the most part, nothing left for us to 'find out' anymore. He's still here for me and I'm still there for him.

Sometimes it all feels like playing with dangerous chemicals and like a combustion is inevitable. His friends say 'Don't you dare get married!' mine say 'Get out of his life, fast - he's about to hurt you or you are about to get hurt'.

I don't think he was ready for me to come into his life when I did but I hadn't even planned to meet somebody like him, but I have met him and I did come into his life and he says he wouldn't change a thing.

As I looked around his apartment, his new apartment on Friday.. well, really early Saturday morning rather; I realized that I wasn't right before - he does have space, room, location for me in his life. I suppose I have indirectly driven him into a habit of telling me that at least once a day, he doesn't mind, maybe it wasn't my neediness but he does so because he likes to but still, it has been more of a temporary ease of qualms, but that's because of me, not him.

There are plenty of things that I'm still learning, like my tendency not to bring up certain subjects when we're face to face, and explode with information at him, say.. a week later. I think I try to sooner all the time but find myself steering into another direction and much of it ends up sounding like cryptic nonsense only my brain can work-out. I try though.

'What about you, how was your afternoon?' said he, after telling me all he could as I made use of my talent of 'avoiding the overall subject of me altogether when need be', but he had so much to tell me that it wasn't difficult.

A few seconds pass, sometimes his phone disconnects for no reason, so I there I stand.. Waiting for it to - no luck.

'..Uhm.. I'm okay' I announce lucidly. I think he asked me what happened to make me upset but I was too busy freaking the hell out about telling him, for no apparent reason.

I hung up in about 20 seconds. Called back an hour later saying 'Okay, ask me what happened again', and he did, and I told him. 

I'm frightened at how this relationship seems to have a life of its own. I am not struggling, not fighting or battling anything or anyone - what's going to happen if we let it go on the way it has and what if it does. Then how, where and what to? It's frightening. As his presence becomes a more permanent fixture in my life day by day, and every single day I realize that life without him, suddenly would hurt - a lot.

I never get tired of him saying he'd never hurt me or that there is nobody and nowhere else he'd rather be, it may sound as my hobby has become seeking reassurance, but no, I just have no control over what's going on and how it's going, and where. Maybe I've had a little too much to dream? I hope not. I do a lot of that lately too, hoping.
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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Cars.

Last night, as the car door swung open at me. I just stood there, in the distance, almost ignoring being beckoned to talk to the driver and give him directions.

I saw about a dozen memories but all in 'still-mode' as if I was quickly flicking through photographs. Mostly my male friends saying 'Don't you dare do that', 'Don't be ridiculous, you are never to go alone!'. 'What? Alone? You never do that alone, I don't care what time it is and what day, if you are ever alone like that I'll come get you'.  

'I am walking you to your door' Someone said once as he seemingly calculated the distance from the courtyard to my enclosed apartment block, '..but it's right there' I replied awkwardly and shyly pointed. He walked me to my apartment door, and held it open, watching as I got into the elevator.


Years ago:
"Did you just  pull over a car to come here, alone?" he asked, (the Past). "Mhmm" I said reluctantly as I  noticed the way he was observing how the car was driving off. His face turned grim and serious at me. "You will never, do that, ever again, do you understand me?". He demanded strictly, angrily as he held my face. "You drive me insane" he said as he peered into my eyes, forcing me to make eye-contact. "You have no idea how to take care of yourself, you know that, no idea at all; and for Christ's sake, where the hell are your gloves, you're freezing. Have you bought gloves yet? Do you have money? Take it! And get warmer sweaters. You're getting sick!" He was shouting at me. I resented him, and smirked to myself, saying 'what's the worst that could happen'.

The worst that happened, a year later:

Edited excerpt from post @ 10:26:00 2007-02-26

[snip]
... my hands were frozen and stiff, eyes welling up with tears. Such shock that I had trouble speaking into the phone. "Of course, come right over" G said without any hesitation.  He must have feared for the state of me.

I'm standing the street, about 2 in the morning, extending my hand to catch a car hoping to pull it all off on the little money I had with me. I could have walked. I should have walked. It would have been safer.

Two street-sweepers who had been nearby were getting too annoying and too close. 

A car drives in towards me - I tell the guy where I need to go and for how much and he instantly agrees, sensing how upset and cold I was, I thought to myself. My head hurt to a point of where I realized that I was about to doze off, only I realized it at a point of when I was already dozing off. It was too late.

When I opened my eyes, the first thing I felt was my mobile-phone still clenched in my hand, hidden in my jacket sleeve - it was the vibration of an incoming call that had startled me into consciousness. I didn't know how I could have fallen asleep.  I looked out of the car window, but I didn't even have to. I already knew from the stench in the air how ugly the situation was and that it was only going to get worse. I felt such shock and apathy simultaneously. I was no-where near the city centre anymore. Only scarcely lit windows of tall apartment blocks, clearly somewhere on the outskirts of the city if not out of the city altogether. I wanted to cry but was afraid to.

I asked the driver where we were - to which he replied, clearly lying, stammering and even sweating (it was below zero cold outside) he said he could tell how upset I was and he thought it would be good for me if we drove around a little. I insisted that my friend was waiting for me and was very worried probably. 

The sluggish, overweight figure shifted uncomfortably behind the wheel. The car stank. How could I have not noticed the stench before. 

There was a nasty taste in my mouth - fear, I could taste my own fear. I think I was shaking but I can't say for sure, I just don't remember. What I do remember, is knowing that I wanted to end the situation, to find out whether I had just been a little too intoxicated to judge clearly, overly paranoid. I remember it took all my courage to finally demand that he stop the car. 

He didn't. The vehicle, in fact, sped up. 

My heart was racing so much that I was certain he could hear it. I felt very sick. I was terrified of him hearing the vibration of my phone, still tucked into my sleeve. 

I threatened to jump out of the car if he didn't stop. I would have. I sat there calculating how much it would hurt and if I would break a shoulder or a leg. How long it would take to open there car door. He sped up more, as if he could read my thoughts.

Like a glimpse of the heavens - a light at the end of the tunnel: red light. Traffic lights.
He shifted angrily at the sight of it in the distance. Several cars in front, at the traffic light. The car slowed down and as it pulled into a halt and lined up behind the  several cars in front of us, I maneuvered myself closer to the car door. I am small, the seat seemed huge just then. He reached at me and I jumped away to the far right corner, hitting my head badly on something in front, but I pulled on the handle and the car door swung open.

I ran. Fast. I was terrified at the thought of him after me but I knew he wasn't, he was too large physically to act so fast.

I had to get to G's. He was waiting. I remember shaking a lot, my head hurting so badly.

I caught another car - the mere sight of me terrified the driver to a point of where he wanted to take me straight to an emergency room but I assured him, with tears, pleading and begging that I just needed to get to my friend and promised him that I would seek medical help if I needed it but I wanted to go to my friend. He told me to calm down and told me to call my friend. I did. G said he would rush outside to meet me downstairs. We were on the other side of the city, it took a while to get there.

The sight of a familiar, friendly figure made me go hysterical altogether. G paid my cab-fare and grabbed onto me and literally walked me to his place. "There's this girl here, but she is leaving, right now" he said to me. I stayed in the guest bedroom. I desperately didn't want to be alone but I didn't want G holding me either. Panicked. He held me in spite of of me pushing him away and made me promise I would never get into a car with a stranger again.

Spent last night at his place as well. We had a dinner party and had people over, it was lovely. I didn't help with the cooking much. ..[snip]






And so last night: the moment I sat down into the car, I looked up helplessly at the person holding the door open. I thought I had better call a friend maybe, or go spend the night at another friend's house. Or call my dad. Maybe wait for a taxi service cab - in exactly 10 seconds I plotted out twenty ideas. It was so cold. 5 am. I was without a doubt, about to panic. 

"Come with me?" I finally managed, pathetic and squeamishly, glancing up at him as he was about to close the car door. He looked at me, clearly exhausted but stepped into the car.


The driver, clearly oblivious to the 3 minute emotional turmoil I had just been through turned around to face me and said 'What, he's coming with us?".  "Yes, he is and then back here." I replied. It was the last thing I said in that car I think. I felt really dizzy.


About 15 minutes later, if that, as  I walked home through the courtyard and into my apartment block, I couldn't stop thinking about how guilty I felt for not helping G. with that dinner party that Sunday night, about how I really needed to buy gloves and some sweaters but more importantly, I was also very busy convincing myself that I can check the mailbox tomorrow. 


My last thought about the subject was, as I put my head on my pillow, that I wanted to go back in time to that street, only 20 minutes ago, half an hour at most and tell myself that I needn't be frightened. I just now know, what the worst thing that could happen is.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

It's his party but I'll cry if I want to.

I stood looking at my reflection in the mirror. Uncanny to see myself like that, in this mirror.  The light reflected off the sequin particles that my dress was covered in. I slid my jacket on my back, the fur settled on my shoulders perfectly as that jacket is immaculate fit.

I looked very much similar to what I used to look like years ago. But this was so different. He hadn't asked for this and would never, nor were there expectations or unspoken demands as there had been - I wanted to look nice for him, to see him smile. He'd have smiled either way that night, but knowing that I could put an extra smile on his face, make him even a little bit happier, prouder, enthralled, to make sure he enjoys looking at me just a little bit more - all those little bits, they go a long way and it was very much his night.

On my way to meet him, as I slowly walked up the stone stairs and out from the underground tube, looking down (I had spent the better part of the journey not looking at anybody, for fear of my ability of being able to read people playing tricks on me, I didn't want to see or guess what people thought of the way I looked, I was too shy). Altogether lacking my usual posture,  peering at my high-heeled boots as I walked, I noticed a pair of shoes walking in sync with me.

Glancing up I saw a surprisingly kind gaze, nice eyes. "I would be so flattered, if we got acquainted, please don't think I'm the kind that approaches a girl on the street like this, I just couldn't help it, you're stunning" said a seemingly nice guy. Very tall, dark hair and blue eyes - attractive. He kept walking alongside me, even though I remained quiet for the next thirty or so seconds. "Thank you" I finally managed, "..but I'm in love". The nice guy looked at me, in endearment yet clearly disappointed. "Lucky man, very lucky, tell him that!" replied he. We kept walking next to each-other and made small talk until it was clear that we were heading in different directions.


"Time to face the music.." I remember thinking to myself. What was amusingly ironic, was finding a street band right outside his office building - playing very loudly.

I don't remember specifically, his reaction when he first saw me, for the most part because I was dodging eye-contact with not only him but the rest of the guests but quickly forced myself to shrug off the lack of confidence - after all, nothing ruins a dress quite so much as a woman who doesn't know how to wear it. The efforts would have been lost.

The night ensued - a lot of laughter. He was thrilled. I was happy. I made an honest effort to socialize and not drown in him and only his company regardless of how tempted I was - we have a habit of doing this, he and I, we disregard the surroundings and the people and it seems as if there is only us, until of course, we are  somewhat embarrassingly faced with the realization that indeed, there are not only other people at the table but also all around us and aren't alone, at all.

At one point, we stood in the cold October air. It brushed on my arms but I was making such an effort not to shed even a single tear that my body temperature  must have even risen. He held me tightly and kissed the corner of my eye. He said just the right things, the right amount of times, in exactly the right way, with exactly the right timing. The rest of the night we spent seemingly alone, in spite of the fact that we were surrounded by a table full of people. "You have to tell me everything, right away." he had said prior to all this. And that is exactly what I had just done.

The next morning, I was on my way to meet him, at 11-something am, almost starved to see him as though we hadn't seen each-other for the longest time. I sat next to him and explained to him - as best I could. I told him everything, again. This time the 'other' bits and pieces of a similareverything I had left out. As I searched for a reaction on his face out of the corner of my eye (too reluctant to even make direct eye-contact for fear of seeing resentment, disappointment or even worse, apathy) I could, even from such a distorted angle tell that at most he was concerned, but there seemed to be no trace of any negative emotion at all. Somewhat in disbelief, I made a note to examine his tone of voice - nothing, normal.

He struggled with me, to move my hair out of my face as I staggered and backed away, a little startled but ultimately I let him. He's one of the two people that I have let do this without, frankly, freaking like all hell (an unhealthy reaction to personal space bubble invasion). But.. he does it to see my face, and not to arrange my hair prettily so I'd be more pleasant to look at. An hour or so later, I realized that I believe everything he told me the night before. 

 Now what? 

Saturday, October 9, 2010

why are you single? http://www.formspring.me/xTheTashax

Trick question?

I used to be single because I couldn't find a person who I thought was worth the risk/effort/time/emotions.

And now I have someone and am very, very happy about it.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Why people dislike me.

McDonald's
Today, lunchtime.

Me: *ordering* - Big Mac, Big Tasty - two of 'em, 9 nuggets, two diet cokes, two sweet n' sour sauces, two cheeseburgers, one apple juice, two minty desserts and one strawberry one *pause* and a baggie, so everything to go!

Cashier: *rings it all up and stares sadly and pathetically*

Me: "Aren't you going to ask me?"
Cashier: *stares* "Ask you what exactly?"


Me: "If I want fries with that!"


Cashier stood there, looking as if he was trying very, very hard not to curse me out but the look in his eyes said that he hated me, a lot. And that he was, indeed hoping I'll choke on my Big Mac.


Me: "Cause.. I do want fries with that you know.." I beam.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Love is a drug, and it's your choice to get high.

Love is much like tequila; how easily we forget.. All the pain and euphoria it may inflict. How quick we are to forget; all the jealousy, loneliness, even betrayal and mistakes.
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Friday, October 1, 2010

Caffeine

"We saw each-other on Monday and then throughout the week circumstances kept us apart all week. Only today did we finally get a chance to meet. Which makes it about.. Not more than 4 hours of time spent together. Such a first for us, in over two months. It was as if he had taken that hypothetical trip of his. I missed him a lot.

He's so right though - never did I feel him distant or unreachable.

I know all the dates; the first encounter, the first meeting, first kiss, but I wouldn't be able to tell you how long we've been together. He's always so with me, saying 'a little over a month' or 'about two months in total' wouldn't get across the fact that we talk on the phone several times when possible, at least one prolonged call, over an hour. Between twenty and forty smses a day, sometimes more, seldom less. We're on skype throughout the day if I'm home. Even if we had just seen each-other. We try to meet several times a week, even if we just saw each-other the day before. Then we both say how it's just not enough." - I finished, to see the person I had been conversing with just staring at me, wide-eyed. I got the feeling he was about to applaud me, not because what I've been saying strikes emotion but because I was finally done speaking. He asked.

Later I was walking back home, remembering how today I locked my arms around his neck and hugged him. For a moment he seemed almost hesitant at the situation but so comfortable and pleased and even.. Dare I say happy? 'Has nobody held him like that before? Can't be.' I questioned his initial reaction in my mind. 'Could It be because I haven't been exactly like that with him until now?'.. Possibly. It doesn't matter really. I know exactly how to make this amazing person happy. What's better than that?

It wasn't until our meeting was half way through that I realized just what sort of error in judgment of the general situation I had made. I should have turned to him for any and every kind of help. I needed to do just that. Trial and error, I suppose. but it ought to have been him. At one point, as I rested my head on his shoulder, I wanted to tell him how I ought to have gone to him for everything, but decided against it.

If there should be a next time, I won't be afraid anymore. I shouldn't struggle to need certain people anymore, if there has ever been a reason as well as incentive to just keep walking away without a glance back - it's now. There is nothing I may want or need that he cannot give me. 'If only you asked..' said he, jokingly at one point, about an absolute alternate subject. If only I had asked, and I should have.

Otherwise, it almost turned into an attempt of mine not to admit to myself how attached I've become, so much so that I preferred doing what I generally resent, for various reasons besides this, But still, to find at least one aspect and ground him from it.. eh. No, tisk, tisk - shame on me. I suppose had he been the one to help, I'd be at a point of no return in terms of falling all the deeper for him (like the song goes, only it doesn't even feel like falling), the thought of suddenly losing him scares me as it is.

He's here, he's with me. I need not look back, I'm in too good of a place and I'm being invited to stay.
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Время лечит; ты другой и я не та.

 "..You're upset."

                               "I am."

"I'll kill him."

                              "No, it isn't because of.. a "him".

"So there's a him?"

                              "I need help."

"..Tell me."
-------------------------

"Wait. You want me to only say that I can and will do those things?"

                              "..Yes, basically".

"But not do them?"

                               "I can manage.."

"So you aren't alone?"

                               "As in?"

"Answer the question."

                                 "No."

"What's his name?"

                                  "Why?"

"His name."
"How long have we known eachother?"

                                  "Why does it matter?"

"Solely that reason should be enough for you to tell me."

                                  "Precisely why I won't."

"You aren't telling because he's easy to track down"

                                 "It wouldn't be amusing."

"To you."

                                 "Stop."

"Fine. So. This. Is it serious?"
                         ...
"Have you asked him to help?"

                                 "He is."

"He has no idea."

                                "He knows everything.."

"Ты не сказала ему."

                                "Он знает -все-."

"Он не знает что ты не умеешь о себе заботиться."

----------------------------
"If this idea doesn't work then you pack and you go."

                                        "I don't know."

"Pack and go. Do I need to make sure that you will pack and go or are you going to do that yourself?"

                                         "I will". 

"Where will you go?"

                                         "I don't know."

"Fine. I will find you a..."

          "A friend. I'll stay with a friend."

"Friend's name?"

                                        "..His name is.."
      "No."

                                         "No?"

"Her name is?"

                                       "..okay.. it'll be a 'her'"

"Good. I'll help."

                                      "No, if it gets to that.. I'll be able to ask him."

"You won't."