Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The good news.. the bad news.

The good news is that he's finally coming back. Soon.

The bad news, he's about to come back more stressed and under-pressure than he was when he left.

I don't really know what that means in terms of our relationship. Not like he snaps (at me) or neglects to give me attention or anything. It's just hard even conversing with someone when you can tell they're going through a mental 'to do' checklist in their mind. He's got an immaculate memory but would every so often forget trivial details I'd tell him. Or, it's awkward always putting forward the fact that I'm free at this time, on this day and for that long - granted, he always reacts quickly and says he'd love to see me..sometimes he'd seemingly forget so I'd have to ping discreetly to check if he remembers. At the same time I'd put off some things I'd like to say or share because we'd have plans later that day/week and then it'd no longer seem valid. He used to ask when I was free and would say he'd love to see me. Trivial I guess. Much of what I feel uneasy about could be deemed trivial.

He's busy, yeah okay, I know. I just.. I note seemingly the most little, unimportant yet nevertheless existent occurances or just details and collectively, they make me feel odd.

Insert sigh here. These upcoming few weeks are about to be difficult. I guess having had to abruptly change my habitual state of mind, it suddenly seems difficult to return to an 'only me, by myself' mindset. I got used to .. It doesn't matter. I'm not going through things I have never gone through before, quite the opposite. I have done all this before both with the endless support and limitless attention of my ex-fiance and/or friends as well as alone - it's much the same either way. I'm okay. I'll be okay.

Maybe I'm just sad? Lonely without a doubt. I need a friend and some moderately expensive alcohol.

I expected this. I knew if he took a week long break from his routine then when he came back, all the stress and things he has to get done simultaneously would pile onto him in full blown force. Why am I so surprised?

I really am just generally down I guess. Insert another sigh here.

December.
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'Dare to dream?' I asked the complete stranger.

'I'm snappy lately, sorry about before. I lost all my friends in the beginning of the relationship, I was just too into her to even pay attention to other people anyway, still am..

.. You just have no idea what it's like, to have this amazing person, and I have to keep her a secret because our relationship takes the second stance in terms of importance, she is in a difficult situation..' he says the last part under his breath.

'I almost feel resentment towards people in relationships that are developing normally, openly, with complications that branch from the relationship itself and not other sources, like yours probably is...right?' he continues.

'..Riight' I force myself to reply.

'..and seriously, I want to say, do and plan all these things..' he sighs.

'but She's so inwebbed in everything else that there's only so much allocated space and time for you, and you're terrified that if you step out of those limits and boundaries - it's over, but you are bursting with emotion.' I quitely reply.

'Exactly! It's like we do so much and we're together so much but..'

'..but you have nothing to show for it' I finish off his sentence.

'Absolutely! And most people would wonder if she's make-belief!' he desperately stresses.

'..'Patience!' She reassures you, eh?' I ask.

'Exactly! Damn, you must think I am insane for sticking around for so long' he says, but the look on his face signalled he was hoping to be reassured otherwise.

'Love is a gorgeous yet nasty as well as dangerous occurance, we find ourselves doing, believing, deciding and trying things we'd have never even remotely considered, you aren't insane, just in love'.

Silence.

'So..how Long have you two been together?' I ask, cautiously as if this question could slap me in the face.

He circles the figure three on the table. 'Well! ..that's...' I begin speaking and only then remember that my life is far too often like a bad movie.

'You mean three years, don't you?' I ask and watch him nod before I even finish the question.

Insert not a slap to the face but more like complete freaking K.O.

And now, about what ultimately matters - me.

I'm having issues placing this emotion. What the hell is this? Banally hurt feelings, jealousy or envy?.. All of the aforementioned?

I just don't understand. Because if what is going on is really so different, uncanny and special then.. Why? And why not? Is it going to be this way forever? Things, experiences, feelings and emotions that this relationship is seemingly entitled to because it's just so special, well it's actually so deprived of them.

Yes, I am upset and frustrated. Is this because I cannot fend for my emotions not even a week if left unattended? But no, not even.

He keeps saying how he knows that certain things are unfair.

But even the euphoric dose of normalcy we've had recently seems like a freak coincidence and a lucky turn of events rather than anything he and I did to contribute, we just took advantage of the opportunity.

Am I playing pretend? I am sure all the feelings I have are absolutely reciprocated.

Then why? And why not? I don't understand.

I had a dream. As in literally, was dreaming in my sleep. Even in that dream I looked at myself and the events my mind was plotting and I couldn't allow myself to pursue that plot, so I stopped myself, in my own dream and said 'Seriously, get a grip. Don't even go there, these things aren't for you'. Well why the hell not. Oh god.

Yes, that was enough to put me into a foul mood. It was bad. As if I'm not allowed hopes, dreams or ambitions. Is that the case but I've been blinded by what not only seems to be but could possibly be the most perfect relationship I have been in. Things in my previous relationships had never even come close to this. Nothing remotely this good. It was always about fighting for and about something, battling it out, haggling, compromising, manipulating.

But there was always the opportunity for hope, ambition and dreaming - I just didn't want it. Now though..

Why do I do this to myself? I knew thinking about this would upset me but I didn't stop.

Reality is either deceitful and intoxicatingly addictive when he is around or quite the opposite - I am simply freaking out because he isn't here.

On the 26th, we will have been seeing eachother for 3 months, kicking off the fourth. Maybe I am jaded because in terms of emotional investment, I am in so deep nobody can even see me anymore.

I just need a deep breath. I wish people would stop ambushing me. What am I, incapable of discussing subjects besides my relationship? Especially since I seldom get anything but negative feedback.

Meh.

/Rant.

This happened and was written last week. In the true nature of me - I am again, 'okay' now.
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Sunday, November 28, 2010

Winter 2010





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Music.

Are my lips unkissable ?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable ?
Am I unlovable? 
Cynical , jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used
 If I could take back all my sweat, my tears , my sex, my joy I would
My time , my love, my effort , passion, dedication
In a case of mistaken identity 
I gave these things to
you
If I sound angry,bitter, sad, infatuated, it 's the
truth

Denial , anger, bargaining , depression, just a few

Stages of acceptance that it 's really over
It 's just so complicated and I 'm stupid for
believing in you

Is my skin untouchable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don' t
like ?

I had your back, I held you up , I told you you were
good enough

It was not reciprocated , you kept affection and
yourself apart 

I wasn 't armoured, you were king, I gave my
everything
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of
you and then

For just a moment I romanticized the notion
I can take away the torment , I can love you like
they never did

Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don' t
like ?

You make me feel like the act of love is empty ( I
felt so empty )

Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

Are my lips unkissable ?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my sex undoable?

Am I unlovable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable ?
Am I undesirable ?
Am I unlovable?

Is my skin untouchable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don' t
like ?

You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don' t
like?

Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable ?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

Colors of Goodbye.

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Friday, November 26, 2010

Facing everything I'd love to be, which is everything I'm not and that I'll never be.

I just stared at her. Her hair was perfect, healthy and shining; skin - flawless! Body.. Envy-worthy. Her outfit my eyes scanned and registered - she wasn't wearing expensive out-of-reach for me clothes, nothing high-end and frankly, had I looked anything like her, I'd have picked better. Except the fur coat, it was gorgeous and boots - those were without a doubt expensive. I had a flashback things I heard last week, something about 700$ boots once bought for someone and how outrageous the fact that they had been left unworn. Another flashback, of myself a few years ago.

She took her coat off. My thoughts? Ranging between 'kill me now' to 'why wasn't I born looking like that?'.

The handbag. What a kick in the face. I.. Love those handbags.

She was a breath-taking chimera of Eva Mendez and Jessica Biel. Only a touch of bronzer on her cheeks, eye-liner, mascara and lipgloss. Beautiful manicure. It reminded me that I never did make time to get that manicure I wanted, which was sad. I test myself this way, to see whether my schedule is healthy or not, I plan to do something for myself and set a week deadline - this week I haven't even come close to being able to fit an hour and a half for myself, very bad.

I may never have that girl's flawless features, but I wish I knew how to make do with what I have to at least remotely appear a fraction as feminine and taken care of.

She stepped towards the cashier and handed her the dress I've seen in that shop before. I liked it. A lot.

It took about three moments for me to get over my envy. The girl was a size smaller than me, much like I had been before pregnancy, possibly even a little bigger but regardless, she was more than a size smaller than me and that dress that I liked that she was buying I had never even tried on - I knew from the moment I saw it that even if I managed to afford it, it'd look awkward on me. I was somewhat relieved I didn't see her trying it on, then I would have been flat out suicidal for the rest of the day.

I bought the scarf I had picked out for my mum and one last time, mentally photographed the insanely beautiful girl who was disappearing out of sight, and headed straight to the children's floor.

I bought Nika some candy and trivial nothings to entertain her this weekend, picked out a few things I'd like to get her for this season and soon headed home.

I carried my almost three year old around the flat later on in the day, for no particular reason, she just misses me, her hugs are the best thing to ever happen to me. I just hope she never looks at women such as the one I encountered, wishing mommy would look like that, because mommy would love to, but won't ever be able to.
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Thursday, November 25, 2010

Three, two, one.

'But All my friends say the absolute opposite', I chime in between sobs that I had been doing such a good job disguising as just the beginning of a cold. I was interrupting him for seemingly the hundredth time.

The handsome 40-something Etro clad corporate access pass bearing man sighs at me; his usually smiling albeit serious eyes evidentally concerned.

As much as I longed to hear exactly what he was about to say, admittedly I was hoping he wouldn't. I was afraid of such a confirmation.

'I'm Not surprised. And they will continue saying these things to you - they aren't living your life and dealing with things you are, they have no real take'.

I was going to speak again, possibly contradict what he had just said alas.. I wholeheartedly agreed, so I forced myself to nod and not speak. Gulping a sob instead.

A few moderately personal questions later and it was pointless to keep attempting to appear sick rather than upset (though frankly, I felt like absolute and utter gutter residue), but not quite looking a wreck. I'd say an attractively crying mess.

He paused to ponder what I just said to him.

'What You have to understand is that unless you speak up, unless you say you are tired, sick, broke, afraid - there is nothing he, or anyone else for that matter can do, and I doubt he would standby idly if you told him'. He stares at me, seemingly examining me for a reaction.

'I Do tell him!' I insisted defensively, and was asked how often I state my feelings 'matter of factly'.

'Saying 'I'm Okay, just tired' is saying nothing, and is even lying to an extent, is that how you want your honesty regarded, as 'incomplete'?' I get scolded.

'You're Making it seem worse. He is often busy and I just try ...' I get cut off.

'Is He too busy and stressed for you to be in a relationship with him? Do you want to, for example get sick or broke to a point of where he has to help you within a moment of notice, at the very last moment, that will surely make him less stressed and busy...'

..silence.

..'Think About what I said'. He encourages as he hands me more tissues.

'I'm Afraid of losing him. And other people for that matter. When you need someone it's so much easier to lose people; it's suddenly you needing to take and no longer you being able to give. It's frightening to find out how many people would leave if you suddenly had nothing'. I admit.

'I Can't speak about other people in your life, but from what you've said about him, the only sure way of losing him is if you shut him out of your life to a point of where he is no longer a part of it'. He says, not even for a moment taking his eyes off the laptop screen.

'I Don't think so'. I say under my breath.

'What Is wrong with you? I personally would never offer any sort of help if I wasn't ready to provide it, I doubt he's any different. This just goes to show that you are an insecure untrusting kid with far too many issues on your plate and maybe it isn't him who is too stressed, busy and confused for a serious relationship, maybe it's you! You know what you're right, you WILL lose him' he says, now peering at me with what at the time seemed laser vision.

I just sit there. My face was burning. Skin tingled. Head heavy. In exactly three seconds, tears poured down my face at such a speed, that I was no longer coping with drying them fast enough to keep at least a shred of my dignity.

..'Now Let's fix that internet of yours' he said.
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Monday, November 22, 2010

Could've Would've Should've

- It's insane how cold I feel. Especially now. It'll pass. Should have said something. I'll forget.

I would have, but I was already upset.

- I'll watch my dad pack tonight. There are many things I could say. Probably won't say anything.

- Timing myself. Gauging my actions. I've got a week. I have to do a lot. However, I mustn't build up these imaginary walls on non-existent boundaries, I don't know why I do that. Then, when comes the moment of needing open-space and no obstacles, I find myself having to mentally tear down these hurdles within minutes, sometimes seconds - walls that took hours, even days to consciously build up all because 'it made sense at the time'. No wonder that I sometimes I can't look him (and many other people) in the eye. I needn't do this to him, myself or anybody involved.

Busy. Busy. (Shut Up, brain.)
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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Wednesday: the Future, Yesterday and Next Week.

He led me into the restaurant, that he called 'cosy' and I deemned 'quaint'.

His friends had already taken their seats. I was acquainted with the girl - we attempted to have conversation at his birthday party and have chatted a few times since, and the guy, I had said all of 5 words to the guy, the other two were all the more strangers to me. To their defense, they are nothing like His Other Friend, ya know the 'Let me tell you things about your boyfriend's past which will hopefully potentially upset you and cause tension as well as friction between the two of you, but whilst that is my goal, I will attempt to convince you that you were the one asking and wanting to know because I am an attention-whore that way and think you are absolutely dim and won't figure out my obnoxious motives' guy. Now given the much deserved nickname of "the Satyr" by the way. As he doesn't deserve anything Satanic, only barely even worthy of something 'pesky'.

"Oooh you've been to Accessorize!" I chirpily joke with the girl. Ironically poking at the speculation most glossy magazines put forward lately; that nowadays, the number of buyers who 'splurge' is far less than the one of buyers who 'spend', especially when popular Accessory shop chains mimic popular/in trend designs so well. But those who know.. know. Albeit this is really an ideally neutral standpoint for the magazines, as they neither praise the splurgers nor diss the spenders. Anyway. She looked at me and said 'No, I haven't been to Accessorize' friendlily but instead of explaining myself I frantically tugged on my boyfriend's sleeve, signaling the need for alcohol and food.

The evening rolled on and was fun. Later, at the second place we went to, Boyfriend and his colleague/friend ensued conversing about business. "No! I'm not bored!" I insisted as I dozed off to sleep on boyfriend's shoulder. "You're so bored you're texting your Ex!" he laughed at me, as I snuggled up comfortably.

"You've been busy this week" I pointed out the obvious. He agreed. I didn't feel neglected or left out, not even a bit, just noticed how busy he was and didn't want him to struggle to fit me into any schedules or compromise plans - he doesn't like it when I talk that way and I don't like feeling that way as I know for a fact that he loves spending time with me, I have no doubts about that.

He asked me what was wrong, a question he is accustomed to asking weekly I suppose. Just to get caught-up on the mess my brain creates throughout the week. I explained, the way I usually do.

"Of course I'm not leaving!" he says, and looks at me as if I've just said something ridiculous. "I know you aren't leaving Moscow" I reply. I couldn't tell whether he was looking at me with endearment, frustration or whether he was altogether absolutely baffled at how I still don't seem to grasp certain things he believes have been basically established. "I can't imagine my future without you." He clarifies, as if that's something I'm supposed to know with it going unsaid and then he attempts to get me to make eye-contact, to catch my gaze, which at times is just as if not more difficult than striking a fly dead by means of a sewing needle.

Soon after, we left the crowd. I got home at about 5:30 am and was up for work in barely a few hours.

Last night, was yet again proof how amazingly well we go together. As we have already agreed about - as we chit-chatted on Facebook although we were in the same flat. My daughter really looks forward to seeing him. He's cautious but really good with Nika, and really patient. Even though we were more than he had bargained for as he had been really tired.

He's going away as of Tuesday. For a week.
Away for a bit of business and away for a bit of a rest.

"Bizness" As my friends put it. As if the concept of a man staying faithful is all together baffling. They keep wanting me to think otherwise. Why? What kick out of it do they get?

Plans? Well: Buy a 'My Boyfriend's Out of Town' t-shirt

But actually:
  • Lose about 6-8 pounds
  • Get a manicure (for the love of my sanity)
  • Get caught up with people I am looking forward to seeing and with those I'd rather not see yet
  • Work a lot
  • Spend time with my munchkin of course

    Friday 19th, November.

    Good night, world!
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    Wednesday, November 17, 2010

    Crosswords.

    I stared awkwardly into my coffee. "So, yeah, in a nutshell, that's why I think it's working so well". I explained about my current relationship. Silence.


    "He says it's effortless and I suppose I agree". I continue, not sure whether the silence was the urge me to keep talking or to signal that it was time for me to stop.


    "That's why". He fires, between long drags of a cigarette.  He suddenly looked different but I couldn't quite place why.

    "Emphasize?" I reply instantly. Staring at the person I more-or-less consider a friend.

    "Because you're both clearly struggling but with different things, had your relationship with a struggle also, neither of you would bother". Said he, upon noticing that I was about to disagree, he instantly continued ".. fine, 'bother' is the wrong word to use, neither of you would have the strength to battle for yet another thing in life, it would suddenly stop working.".

    I remained silent and stared at the crossword we had originally decided to try to figure out over coffee. Why and when exactly did this pseudo-friendly caffeine fix turn into a full blown analysis of my current relationship. That was the second time in the last 12 hours, by a different person."Think about the future!" they both chided at the end, just exactly, on the dot 12 hours apart.

    "I hope it never gets complicated and never ends up something you two have to fight for otherwise it'd just end, which would be a shame since you seem happy". He took another drag of the cigarette. He doesn't smoke and isn't a smoker, I thought to myself as I looked at him and realized that was exactly what was different. 

    I've noticed that I seldom even let conversation touch the subject of my love-life as it generally ends up turning negative. I am as it is quite frightened - this is new for me. I don't want to deal with other people's projections and prismatic perspectives so I shut many of them out. I feel more comfortable that way. Up until the point when I realize that I have not much other than him in my life which.. doesn't feel uncomfortable or wrong, just unsafe in terms of what's wise to do and what's not.

    He has far too much going on in his life besides me, which is by no means a problem, just a fact that I understand and accept, he makes sure I never feel neglected or deprived of attention, the rest is up to me not to over-analyze and get worked up over - I fail epically at that, several times a week. He never judges me for it but only reassures me understandingly until I feel better.  

    Found myself mentally barricading myself this morning, in some sort of safe place in my mind. Was thinking about life when it's just my daughter and me. But I love him, a lot. So I found myself rushing to tear the barricade down and get back to reality - I don't have to be alone. Undoubtedly, this relationship is undoing much of what my previous relationships have tangled up - in the good way, this is how it should be.


    "I think about the future a lot." he said tonight after I asked him what he thinks about before falling asleep. And then he told me in a gist, what.

    So maybe when we think about the future we think about different things, I may think of him more in that aspect because I have different things going on, that's frightening. I don't even know if he ever thinks of me in the context of the future, much of his present seems to be about me, I don't ever doubt that. I think we have something really great, he never gets tired of agreeing and vice-versa, isn't that by default something that could grow into a future? He's objective - that's a good thing and never would he so much as say that we have no future together, quite the opposite, but..

    Future is as taboo of a subject to him as my past is to me. Fair enough? I suppose it'll have to be.

    Tuesday, November 16, 2010

    Meh.

    Well, this is weird. Unlike me. Lack of sleep to blame? Mind-shocker. No way. Granted, I have had all sorts of odd thoughts and realizations lately.. But this here is absolutely unacceptable.

    Must.Not.Even.Go.There

    I don't think such things are ever going to happen. Never say never, alas.. Never ever, have I ever not said 'never say never'.

    I mustn't so much as consider the notion. Otherwise .. No, not even. Never ever. Never?

    Good night, world.
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    Saturday, November 13, 2010

    In a mind far, far away.

    I didn't get much sleep, so when I woke up startled at 5-something am, searching for familiar outlines and angles, placing the walls. I was home, as usual, I always know that.. I just don't always remember it at the time of waking up. I could already tell the day was going to be a disaster.

    By the time I closed my eyes tightly enough to be able to fall asleep my alarm was screaming at me with piercing sounds. I scrapped myself out from under the blanket, kissed my sleeping toddler on the forehead and let the cat out onto the balcony.

    "You look nice today!" I got told first thing upon arriving at work. I ignored it, was too distracted by a lingering feeling unease and my heart pounding.

    Hours later, home. In the afternoon, there was a conversation. I left. Got under the blanket to warm up - the conversation had left me cold, a little shocked even. I could understand, justify and even logically explain everything that had been said in the conversation - I understood all of it. I didn't understand why I was suddenly crying, why I could accept certain things just half an hour ago but now they had suddenly become impossible obstacles, I was frustrated and upset, but said nothing. Because things are the way that they are, nothing is about to change. With time maybe, I'm hoping, but otherwise, no. My phone, as if to spite, remained quiet, so uncanny for it to these days.

    I called a friend. No answer.
    I called again. No answer.

    Finally, my phone belted its default ringtone.

    "Tell me the truth, tell me all of it, is there life after such things?" I frantically demanded of him, instead of a basic "Hello".

    And so he told me what he thought the truth was. He talked, while I cried. It's all either better, or worse, but it's all based on what used to be anyway. It circles around what used to be, and will continue to circle - he explained.

    "Sweetheart, what you don't understand is how it is out of your hands in this case. It's not your decision, but it is your risk". He urged me to calm down, possibly realizing, towards the end that this wasn't just some abstract curious question I was asking.

    I continued walking to work, head throbbing, eyes burning. Staring at the asphalt, seemingly reasoning with myself but failing miserably - "I am -not- going", I sternly decided. "In fact, I won't even consider it until I get a sign from bloody God himself" I remember angrily thinking to myself.

    I carefully step onto the escalator to descend into the underground. A stranger walks down and stands in front of me. I felt as if I was about to burst out crying again, this time because of hurt and frustration, and because how I suddenly felt like an accessory, one that's great to have but ultimately useless, maybe pretty and attention grabbing, amusing, in-season, but useless and worthless. This was unjustified and untrue, but at the time it seemed like the absolute truth.


    "In fact.. everything, I will..." Something shines and grabs my attention, breaking my chain of thought, even though my vision had been blurred by the tears, I instantly recognized what I was looking at. The person standing in front of me, his backpack, the keyring attached to the back of it.
    An Eiffel Tower. 

    My phone hysterically rings. I answer it. "You are not telling me that you are with a person who .. ?!?!" My friend screams into my ear, I quietly  reply that I'll call him back, though I never did.

    The guy with the backpack, whose attention had been grabbed by my maliciously loud ringtone turned around and seemed to be startled by the fact that I had been crying, evidently.

    He asked if I was okay.
    "Is it nice in Paris?" I blurt out, instead of answering his question.
    "Yeah, it is.. you should go!" He replies enthusiastically.



    My head seemingly couldn't hurt more. I lost count of how many caffeine fixes I had had throughout the day, as I downed one more in the waiting area. I hadn't realized how many fears, concerns and worries I had. Where had it all been lurking? I knew each and every one of them, as I mentally scrolled through them as if they were slides or pictures, even knowing why I put off mentioning them or talking about them - each seemed so trivial and temporary at the time, more like a spur of the moment emotion, triggered by something or other. Then I'd occupy myself with doing something else and feeling something else and it'd no longer be worth mentioning to him.  

    Panicked and overwhelmed, feeling eerily alone - I haven't felt alone in months, but yet.. there I sat, suddenly frightened, alone, confused, upset but worst of all - reluctant to call him for fear of disturbing him  in one way or other, interfering in his life or interrupting something more important. I punched a '<3' into a text message instead and pressed 'Send'. I felt as if he didn't need 'this' right now.

    I took a deep breath and got on with what I had to get done at work which was difficult as I just wanted to hide, something impossible at the time as I was surrounded by a room of people who were listening to me speak and asking questions that I answered seemingly in auto-pilot mode, I wasn't even listening to them.

    After 8 pm, my phone rang - not exactly the ringtone I was hoping to hear but regardless, I picked up. On the way home I attempted to place all of my emotions into several 160 character long messages.

    What happened later was yet again, my spur of the moment decisions based on emotions I had been feeling at the time that I had no basis to feel. Thus creating an absolute mess. I really shouldn't be left to think. It's bad for my general mental health it seems.

    I don't regret meeting up with Someone later that night,  but on the other hand, what did I do that for?

    3-something in the morning, I sat on the floor and talked to Doe until my mind was so exhausted that I couldn't emit any legible sentences anymore. We agreed to talk the next day. Nothing he said could break through the walls I spent the last twelve or so hours putting up, no matter how many times he repeated everything.

    Morning: It seemed like I had just shut my eyes when I had to get up again. Scrape myself out of bed, walk up to and kiss my sleeping toddler on the forehead, let the cat out, go to work.

    Talking to Doe was better this morning. At least I had time to break down and figure out what I was feeling and possibly why overnight and thus talking about it was easier, saying somethings - though he can understand me and read me like no other person, I still had to push myself to admit to certain feelings. Though he knows, he understands but I suppose I'm the one living these emotions.

    I don't even know how much sleep I am functioning on, probably not that little but my mind is exhausted. I have thought so many things, so many times in so many different ways, I just cannot think anymore.

    I wish I could simply believe instead. What am I going to do? I don't want to be impatient but I am so tired and upset by the idea of having to be patient. Patient for what?  Because I want normalcy? "Is that so much to ask for?" he had sent in a text message, rhetorically, as later pointed out. Well.. is this so much to ask for? Oh.. patience, right. I know I am overreacting, I can feel it. He doesn't deserve me being upset.

    I am without a doubt freaking the hell out. Help?

    Sunday, November 7, 2010

    "He's nice!"

    "You've done good." beams my barely three year old as she stands on the couch, behind yet between my boyfriend and me.

    She likes him. This is the second time they've met. "Are you in love?" she had exclaimed from the middle of a ball pit in a playroom, whilst digging through the different colored balls and simultaneously looking at the both of us. Neither of us was sure who exactly the question was directed at so we both laughed approvingly.Amused but a little in shock, without a doubt surprised. 'Inquisitive' is an understatement in terms of describing this child. I love her so much.

    At one point or another albeit I could feel myself sitting there, in that living room, it was as if I drifted off by means of my own thoughts and was observing from aside - he was playing with her, talking and making her laugh. She was smiling. Eerily quickly, I dove back into my mind and seemingly my body. I was startled. I was at my boyfriend's apartment, for dinner, with my daughter and she was laughing and playing, she didn't want to leave. The sound of her laugh and the image smile on her face while she was looking at him haven't left my mind since.

    He fixed her toy hamster upon noticing the battery had been running out. He cooked for us - an amazingly nice meal.

    In the taxi on the way home,"Are we going to live together soon?" Nika asks in Russian, flawlessly, and uncannily seriously for her age. Frankly, I almost choked on air.

    "Do you like him?" I asked her, in Russian. "He's nice!" she replies in English. "Oh pink lights! Look!" she exclaims as she points out of the window.. "What's going to happen now?" she asks pensively .. "I have to go potty soon." she kicks her legs back and forth. I squeezed her really tightly, hoping my two year wouldn't ask questions I couldn't answer.

    I cried for a little last night. Mostly because everything is just so right. So much so that a part of me refuses to believe that nothing is going to go wrong. Now Nika is involved.. but I just feel so safe with him, never did it cross my mind not to introduce the two. Whereas had it been Someone else.. anyone else really the notion of introducing someone I've been seeing to my daughter would be considered inadequate and freaking insane.

    She gave him a reluctant hug before we were leaving. She has never hugged anyone whom she hasn't known for the better part of her life.


    "Do you have a photo of him?" she asked me when I was putting her to bed, as she flicked impatiently through her favourite photos on my touch-screen phone. Especially the recently taken ones."There he is.." I showed her. She smiles at the phone. "A photo of you together?" .."Uhm.." I mutter. (We don't have a photo together, I realize, somewhat in shock). "Okay, next time." she says and clumsily rolls over onto her right side, pushing the phone away.





    "As long as it's a good kind of crazy! Take this opportunity.. meet me for drinks." a text message in my phone flickered at me later that night. Someone else. No, of course not. I couldn't and didn't reply. Nika was smiling in her sleep.

    "So.. Nika really likes him." I explain to my mother over coffee the next morning.

    "He's nice!" beams Nika from across the kitchen, still dragging her blanket around, barely awake but overly enthusiastic.

    Monday, November 1, 2010

    Geiger counter.

    So on the 30th and twice today. I'm just tired?

    He held me, and said everything was going to okay and just for a moment it sounded so true and convincing that I even believed him. But shook my head no when he asked if I wanted to talk about things.

    I know why I surround myself by such people. That way, I'm not the only one. I guess. I want out though. It's not right.
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