Friday, December 31, 2010

Getting Acquainted...

Today, or rather tonight - on New Year's Eve, my boyfriend is going to meet my parents/my parents are going to meet my boyfriend.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I'm loving this holiday season because I get to spend lots of time with my amazing kid and my gorgeous fun attentive loving boyfriend =) oh and I get to take naps, naps rule the world.
about a minute ago

Monday, December 27, 2010

The good news.. it's not Tink or Hello Kitty..

But no less eye-numbing! New PJs!!!
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I rock the world, because:

I have managed to get my kid a toy that has been out of stock in Russia for possibly ever since the first consignment ran out - only in one shop, the wrinkled dusty tattered (and at double the price!) was there a single box left. "No!" - I thought to myself, and decided I will get it at a normal (for Moscow) price and without a doubt, in better condition.

All for Niki~
..though she'd tear open the packaging and not bother about the condition of it much.. as for the pricing.. I could still afford it, but it became a question of principal, when I almost got ripped off by buying (at one of Moscow's central toy shops which is a part of Russia's biggest children stores chain!). The ponies I had picked out, one for Nika and one for my boyfriend's daughter - they sang at me, not in English, not in Russian but in bloody Polish. There I am, standing in queue for the cash-till, to check out - with two Polish singing ponies, maan was I peeved. Needless to say, I dropped them on the spot, after managing to shake my 'WTF?!' face.

But, anyway:
The *only* educational keyboard available in Russia, and even then, evidently only scarcely available.

Comfy keyboard, Comfyland games

Also, munchkin has thus far received:
Hasbro Furry Frenzies, Captain Crash                               Her favourite photo of us in a frame

 My Little Pony So Soft Make Me Better


And of course, a bunch of DVDs, because I'm one of those parents who let their children get amused at animated characters moving about on a screen =)

And yet to come:

But Nika isn't the only one getting spoiled this holiday season.. more about that later!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Happiness is...

Being with a person who smiles for the exact same reason you do. To go out, and realize that you are having a great time in exactly the same way for the absolute same reasons, most importantly, because you're with each-other. Instinctively, needing to hold, do or say something to one-another in an instant when the other person needs just exactly that the most.

I am absolutely in love. There is no 'Now what?', I know exactly what now.
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Friday, December 24, 2010


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So.. it's Christmas

I've got my munchkin bathed and fed. Her eyes are starting to shut close. And.. I've already managed to do everything I needed to for tomorrow, just need to stick bows onto her wrapped gifts. Burned my finger while making dinner and wow.. this is supposed to be about Christmas..


We didn't do much today. I suppose my life's moto is actually not 'What now?' but 'So things didn't quite go according to plan, again..'.

Originally it was supposed to be different, but it's okay. I'm just kind of tired.

I have two missed calls and a text I need to reply to. I'm not sure what to say. I don't really want to spend Christmas Eve alone once Nika finally falls asleep. But. Argh. Why do these simple things have to be so complicated? I hate this.

 This holiday season is probably going to be really different than the previous three. I think? Yet on the other hand, I think in actuality, I need to cool off on making spur of the moment, happy-go-lucky inspired plans because though I understand why some things can't workout/are not possible yet or won't be ever, I need to .. just live day by day and take things as they come, just in order not to be disappointed. Just for the next few months, at least. I think I can do that, this all is just so uncanny for me, thus it'll be hard. I really don't like making last minute decisions. Gosh, New Year's Eve is coming up, what's that going to be like? Call me chicken, but this holiday season I really don't want the responsibility for planning, putting anything together or even to decide anything, I just want to agree or disagree, accept or decline.

Okay.. now what? 

Monday, December 20, 2010

Goodbye Time!

You know you're tired when you're so happy to have found (accidentally) the watch your toddler had stashed away yet again. You slide it on your hand and rush out the door.

You put the watch on, wear it from 6pm to 2am, put it on again the next morning, and only at 10am you glance at it to realize it's shattered.

Poor kid, she's so careful with everything she plays with, she must have freaked when she broke it, so she stashed it away into a side pocket of one of my summer handbags. Last week, half way out of the door, I caught a glimpse of it before rushing out for work, put it on whist on my way to the elevator and took it off again that night but didn't notice the crime until the next morning.

I'm not even angry at her. This is the watch that told me what time it was everyday when I was pregnant and alone, tired and frantically wishing time would go faster. The watch that told me what time it was when I frustratingly stared at it every other moment that I spent waiting for things that I dreaded. Especially my recent difficult times at work this summer, fanatically checking the time to see if I could leave yet.

A chapter of my life is going to close this next New Year's Eve.

I may still be struggling for many things and because of many reasons, I'm often tired. But I'm so much happier.

Since getting that watch as a present for my 20th birthday (already very, very pregnant and absolutely alone) I have had a beautiful, smart and healthy daughter who makes me happy with each smile.

I have proven to be the better person and parted ways with countless people - some of whom I even called friends, never to look back and regret my (correct) decision.

After having been single for three years, I found the courage to take a chance on someone again for the first time and then the strength to walk away and recover when I realized it was not what I had hoped for.

Now I have someone who nobody compares to, I've never been happier in a relationship. I am doing far better in terms of deaing with the rhythm of being a single working mother, I'm lucky to have Nika, I love her, and I know that I manage okay overall, even if half the time it seems like I'm running on energy I don't even have.

This Christmas is clearly going to be different than several of my past ones. That's a good thing.
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Sunday, December 19, 2010


"You look fantastic!" his friend beamed kindly at me. "Thank you" I replied modestly but smiled proudly.

I had already got countless compliments at that point. I was content, even happy with the way I looked. What most of, actually, what all these people don't realize is that I was pulling off the illusion of the century (for me).

A week ago, I saw a faux-fur jacket that I wanted. I mean really wanted. For no reason other than just to have it. The closer I got to it, the more I wanted to buy it, by the time I tried it on, I had already decided to buy it. That is.. until I took a glance at the price tag.

This week, coincidentally, also had to be the week I needed my nails and hair done, not to mention already clearly needing the money I had just forked over for clothes I planned to wear, that don't quite fit into my allocated budget (to say it lightly) for other not-frivolous things. He had asked me to come to this event about two weeks prior and he very much deserved that I look as if I had no other cares in the world but this event for the last several days. I needed to appear carefree and look as attractive as possible.

Outfit bought the previous week, so yeah, I did get it. I rushed through Monday, desperately and even managed to take my toddler to the park for a little and see my boyfriend.

Tuesday made me sad for various reasons I refuse to mention. Much of the evening is a daze, and a very long night, not enough sleep.

Wednesday rolls around. 5:30 am, the alarm pierces my ear-drums. Running on barely more than a total of two hours of sleep. I autopilot myself through my morning routine and get to work by 8am, get working at 8. By 10am, I was feeling much better as any 'sharp' feelings that had been pricking me about Tuesday's events seemed to have numbed all I was feeling was tiredness.

At 10:30am the name I was longing to appear on my phone suddenly flashed and things started looking up from there. Later, I got my nails done properly for the first time in 3 years and walked out feeling pleased with myself.

'Wake-up - Work - Motherhood - Work - Motherhood - Eat - house-chores - Sleep' = Thursday. Except whilst at work (7 - 9pm), on my way out, as I rush out and into the elevator, suffering an attack of hurry-sickness, jabbing at the 'close door' button just to save those extra two seconds, I pull on the zipper of my jacket, to my horror realizing the zipper had indeed said 'to hell with this, I quit' and split. It was broken. The zipper on my only appropriate winter jacket was broken, before the one night I'd need it more than I have in the last few months, as any other outfits I've always been able to get away with wearing with an overcoat or the more sporty-looking jacket I have.

I exited the elevator and stood there quietly for a while. Fiddled with the zipper for a good twenty minutes in the middle of the reception area, with several night-time security guys sympathetically helping me fiddle, told myself that whatever I do, I must not be so pathetic as to cry over a broken zipper. I take a horridly bitter deep breath as several security guys, and one of the people I work with continue to temper with the clearly 'point of no return' broken zipper.

20 minutes later I bought the faux-fur coat and wore it home. My 'old' jacket in the plastic bag from the shop, disguised as a recent purchase. I got stares and smiles in the metro, despite my blatantly red eyes, I had been crying. The new jacket suited me, but I wasn't supposed to buy it.

Friday morning is another daze, much like most mornings are for me. I'm in too much of a hurry to do anything other than drink coffee as I put my make-up on in the morning, and stare at my sleeping toddler lovingly as I get dressed. And pack my bag whilst already on the way out of the door.

By the time it was 2pm, my eyes were shutting closed, just flat-out refusing to stay open. My head ached and back hurt. I was feeling cold but I slowly made my way to the hairdresser's, feet freezing as I also, really ought to invest an actual in-season boots.

My hair had been needing retouching badly for about a month, possibly more but I know how to disguise it, at least I'd like to think I do. I had just come to terms with the fact that I needed a hair-color I could sustain with more ease than the countless blonde streaks and caramel tint I had going on. I needed a color that wouldn't give me away by looking unkempt if I should suddenly want to/need to play as if I am at liberty to get my hair done at any time, all the time.

I don't have an excuse for dedicating the possible minimum finances, effort and time towards my looks. It's laziness and the fact that at the end of the day, though I'm at home and Nika is asleep, I opt to sit around and procrastinate instead of going to the gym, I ought to consolidate all the more somehow, so I could afford to go to the gym regularly, both financially and in terms of having the physical capability to.

2 hours later, the hairdresser gushed about how perfect my hair looked. I like it, it's exactly the color I had pointed out for him. It was after 4 pm and by 6:30pm, I needed to meet my boyfriend for the evening to start.

Before then, I needed to:

  • Buy milk for Nika 
  • Get home at meteor fast speed
  • spend at least a little bit of time with her i.e at least read one book to her, as I was missing her, seldom if almost never do I not make it home at lunchtime to be with her
  • Buy a present for a game that was to be held at the upcoming event
  • Make sure everything had been taken care of with the landlady of my rented flat
  • Shower, put make-up on, get dressed, rush out of the door
A about one hour thirty minutes for it all.

The evening itself, and next morning was perfect. I managed to pull all of this off.
The bad news - I'm really tired. I mean really tired, a lot and often.

This next week promises to be about the same. I hope I manage. I need to buy several Christmas presents and a dress, need to wake up at 5:30 am two days in a row and get as many hours of work in as I can this week. Meh.

I'd give anything to just.. I don't even know what I want. Well, I suppose I do but yeah, things don't work that way.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Little Things.

Lost three pounds, got my nails done. 

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Edit To Add.

Brain: "Run, run like hell."

Heart: "This, this is going to hurt like hell."

Body: "Oh hell, give me a cigarette."

And just like that.

All I can do is excuse myself, to cry my eyes out for being so pathetic, wash my face, wear a double coat of mascara and extra concealer under my eyes. Less eye-liner, more lip-balm. Get dressed. My darker jeans, blue sweater. Take off my 'Love' pendant that I had been wearing since morning.

Go to work.

Fair? Nothing is fair about feeling this way. I wish he hadn't said anything about fairness. I also wish he would say something, not just 'me neither' when I said I had no more words.

I really don't have any more words. Only feelings.

Now what?

Monday, December 13, 2010


'Takes one to know one, telling you, it's why I've always been worried about you' he says.

'I don't have a problem, never have.. Why do you do it?' I say, aware that the follow-up was a trick question, to see whether or not he acknowledges it.

'When you live a certain way, you develop an obsession with controlling as much as you can in your life, especially your appearance. But I don't have a problem either.' He replies, seemingly honest.

'So much of it is control?' I conclude, maybe a tad crude, but I've never been worried about hurting his feelings.

'Maybe. Still, looking back at us, especially at those times at the mall, I was really happy.' He said, with sincerity which was uncanny for him, and struck me by surprise.

'What does that have to do with anything?' I reply, maybe defensively. Truth be told I definitely feel guilt for, in a way luring him back to me several months ago, only to change my mind overnight.

'Because it wasn't where I was, what I was doing or how I looked, it was you, the reason I was happy was because I was with you'.

We both fall silent.

'I want to see you' he admits, and reluctantly adds '..maybe for Christmas?'.

'You don't work in Moscow for Christmas. You don't even like Christmas.' I answer, feeling almost hurt for no apparent reason.

'I would come for you, because you like Christmas. You just have to tell me what you want or if you want this.' he said.

I have always wanted him to say all that, in exactly that way. To tell me that all I had to do was tell him what I wanted, doing this already knowingly, feeling safe because I'd without a doubt get what I wanted.

But there was silence between us. He told me I didn't have to answer just yet, but truth be told I'm certain he knew I won't answer at all.

'Does anyone else know you're scared?' he said, possibly to break the silence, albeit the subject was no less difficult to talk about.

'I told my boyfriend' I admitted, reluctantly.

'And what did he say?' he asked, inappropriately curiously.

I said I wasn't sure exactly, and that there's much of a mess, too much so, for a particular subject to be singled out.

He asked what else was going on, and urged me to tell him, because before all this we had been friends, and that he'd like to consider himself my friend now too, more than anything, if nothing else could be decided yet, he stressed 'yet'.

So I told him.

And that's how this week started.

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Sunday, December 12, 2010


Whirlwind. Constantly rushing to do at least three things simultaneously. Sleep isn't overrated by any means. I wake up already tired. Sometimes I'm even surprised at the fact that I don't sleep straight through th alarms, especially the 6 am ones.

If I don't make myself fall asleep, and soon, tomorrow is not going to be even remotely pretty.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Is there any way, I could stay in your arms?

This week has been hectic, to a point of where I've forgotten what has happened on which particular day.

Beginning of the week, was in the mid of a so-called social gathering, generally nice people, but every so often I'd feel a glare drilling into the back of my head or the side of my face - later it was confirmed that indeed, people had been asking who I am and possibly wondering why he brought me. As I talked to people, many of whom smiled and laughed, and were having a seemingly good time, both generally at the party and in conversation with me, I presumed just about everybody remained skeptical, but overall possibly liked me. We'd kiss now and then, but I could tell how comfortable he was knowing he didn't have to drag me around like baggage, he felt confident turning away at times, to converse with someone else, as I talked to another person - I didn't feel anyone profiling me or trying to label me, which was nice. No doubt, there has been gossip since, but I doubt it's as vicious as I thought it'd be.

Morning between the beginning and the middle of the week, I woke up much earlier than my alarm had been set for, possibly barely an hour after we had both fallen asleep. Feeling his arms around me, exactly the way he had been holding me before we fell asleep - I closed my eyes, fell asleep again. Only at the end of that day did I realize, that for the first time, upon opening my eyes (I have a habitual time of waking up at night and generally do several times a week), I didn't have to force myself to place outlines and frantically search for familiar objects in the dark, something I do subconsciously all the time when waking up, but often a frightening half a minute. This is new for me.

Middle of the week
- we sat in the quaint albeit rather full place where we had gone to meet his friends once. Only this time, sitting across the table was my bemused brother. He watched me as I glanced lovingly at the man sitting next to me. We laughed a lot. Then the venue was traded in for a smokey pub and my brother replaced by his friend.

His friend walked in and stalled for about three seconds before rushing to take his coat off extra fast. He looked at me. Not in a judgmental way per-se, but more as if he was hoping that somehow, I'll surprise him, because probability was that he had already formed his opinion of me. Not like the annoying goat Satyr of a friend Doe's got, not in a vindictive, willing to interfere and meddle for his own amusement way, rather in a concerned and curious way. I was told that I did surprise him in the end. This friend of his observed me, but it didn't feel uncomfortable, he attempted to get to know me without prying, and had definitely walked in ready to give me the benefit of the doubt, and from what I gather, he was glad that he had. Again, this would all be trivial to me, but this is his friend, or at least a close acquaintance, that means something. I'd much rather if people understand and question rather than not understand and make conclusions based on their lack of understanding.

Then we didn't see each-other for a little;
until the end of the week - last night. Not even two days had passed but I couldn't wait to see him.

Out of the blue, one could say, he brought up a subject that I had been thinking about for the last week or so. Not even in-detail pondering, just something that had crossed my mind more than once, on and off. I suppose I let it cross my mind this week, allowed it. Whereas the last time I absolutely unexpectedly found myself thinking about this, I made myself stop right away, scolded myself and promised not to get back to the subject ever again. This had made me quite sad because I, for a reason unbeknownst to me deemed such seemingly 'normal' things out of the question. I think I was afraid to acknowledge the commitment, love and loyalty I feel for him. This isn't by any means a case of 'all I can commit to is 'maybe''.

When he brought up the subject I was surprised, uncertain, relieved, apprehensive and a little frightened to admit my feelings. I was almost ashamed to admit that I had possibly changed my mind. My first instinct was to hide this, put on a stone-cold mask on my face and say that my feelings about the subject have remained static (that would be lying) - much of that would have been what my female acquaintances and friends would have advised I do.

However, I did no such thing. Instead, carefully, almost not to hurt myself, I paced towards the subject he brought up. To say this is unlike my usual 'evasive action', is to say nothing at all. We attempted to talk about this three times, in between having a good time together, and discussing absolutely unrelated things. This is possibly the most serious subject in terms of our future together and to do with our relationship that we have discussed to date - actually it is. Yet there were no serious faces, no awkward silences, no games to extract information, just honesty, sincerity and a lot of love. The second time, I tried to say something but in the end I was the poster-child for 'uncertain, indefinite answer'. Upon the third time of picking up the subject, I finally plucked up the courage to admit, with my arms locked around him, that in my mind, the verdict is 'it would be nice', he didn't seem shocked, upset sad or.. relieved, maybe he had already known at the time when he decided to bring this up even though I've been saying nothing but the opposite, more like 'categorically no'. Regardless, we smiled, and decided this a decision that we'll get back to one day.  More importantly, it was confirmed yet again. that our relationship works magically.
I was proud of myself for saying the truth. I mustn't deem anything to do with or the future itself taboo anymore. It clearly is not.    

Friday, December 3, 2010

I was wrong!

He hasn't forgotten. Insert "Yay!!" here. He hasn't.

I thought he forgot. Ashamed now.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Dress.

I was walking by the shop, hands already full of shopping bags - Baby Gap, Detskiy Mir (Kids' World), NEXT kids.

I was in an excellent mood due to (in no particular order) - extremely productive (and well paid) morning. Friendly lunch with an acquaintance. My boyfriend is back in town, he brought such lovely and thoughtful presents, we had a wonderful evening together yesterday - I'm so in love. Even when I'm capricious (albeit for good reason, I still stand by my reasons!) - a rare and possibly unattractive state, but happens, he knew just how to go about it.  My daughter had given me the sweetest hug and kiss before I left for work this morning and told me she loved me. My mother was in a fabulous mood which always makes me happy. I slept through the night - which has become difficult for me lately due to personal reasons, I stay up and think a lot, mostly about things that happened years ago. 


I take a deep breath and figure 'what the heck' and walk into the store. I spot the dress right away, even though the several times that I've walked in to see it, it has always been moved from one rack to another.

This particular model of the dress, XXS was microscopic, XS was insanely small, S was the size of what is generally considered XS, this model ran ridiculously smaller than the printed size on the label. I sighed several times before I reached for one of the dresses, hoping for the best, expecting the worst - already angry at myself for having had such a big lunch. With the approving smile of the clerk, I was ushered into the changing room.

I swear it took me far less courage to get my tongue pierced, this time plucking up the courage to slip the dress over my hips took far more effort. The dress itself felt great - excellent quality, comfortable. A few moments later, it was on. Now only to zip it, I thought and held my breath. 

It zipped, with minimum effort even. I stood there, in shock. Staring at myself in the mirror. This may make me sound superficial and vain but there's really no explaining what it's like after having a child. Some women.. they embrace, others they accept their post-pregnancy body. I've done neither to be completely honest - I still want my old body back. The concept of not wearing the clothes I used to and now at 106 (at possible most) not being able to even remotely fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, that would take a toll on anybody's self-esteem. So standing there, wearing something I would have worn 4-5 years ago, it made me feel good about myself, even if it's superficial. 

But you know what? The dress turned out to be not what I was looking for. Go figure. There I was, able to afford to buy it, it looked nice on me (albeit somewhat risque to say the least), and it was -the- goal dress it's not perfect or anything, it was just.. a goal. It was without a doubt a challenge I had set for myself.

Voila, the dress I thought I wanted but could never have and/or wear. Here's me wearing it and choosing not to buy it. This was very much, without a doubt a 'go me!' moment.

Today is a great day to be me. Happy.