Monday, March 28, 2011

Being Together

I think I could go on and on, about how impressed I was with the restaurants we went to every evening. The fine wine and the amazing food. The sights I've always wanted to see, that I did, in fact get to see, the atmosphere, the fantastic weather, not to even mention the amount of shopping I managed to do.

Without a doubt, where I was is one of the most interesting and fun places I've been to, and the trip was definitely one of the most memorable ones ever, yet it all pales in comparison, because of the company - the person I was with. We spent 10 amazing days together, being apart for no longer than 3 hours on only one day - the rest of the time we were together 24 hours a day. I'll talk about the trip, I really will - with photos even, but I feel like sharing something else at the moment.

It wasn't ever difficult, there were no awkward silences, no physical discomfort from being too close too often, if anything the lack of distance or anything other to do besides being with eachother, and doing things together - it was absolutely euphoric.

He told me I was beautiful every day, so much so that I really believed it by the end of the trip.

We enjoyed the same things for exactly the same reason. He makes me laugh and knows just when to put his arm around me, his hugs and kisses are the absolute best and I'll miss nothing about the trip as much as I will waking up with him holding me.

I think I'm most likely to go through actual withdrawal symptoms. There is a particular reason why things are complicated, outside factors influence things into being this way. I cried because of that, twice, it's difficult having absolutely no control over something that my life is very much about at the moment. It's sad and frustrating and I cannot wait for that to be over.

I wouldn't want my life to be an extended vacation.. but some aspects, such as wanting to be with him more, I won't be able to shake now.

It's suddenly frightening to want everything I thought I didn't at all, and fearing that now that I finally feel as though I not only want all of these things, but I've also found the person I want all of that with.. nothing scares me more, than the notion that I may never get to have some things.. I don't know if I could live like that, the way I had been, when I thought none of that was for me. Blimey. How times, things and people change.

I've never wanted these things that are considered not only natural but normal by most people, before and it made no difference, it wouldn't have worked with anyone, I knew that. Not until I met him. So there we go, after years of looking for the perfect person, or someone seemingly perfect, I come across someone who says he isn't perfect at all, but with all his so called imperfections he couldn't be more perfect.

I was looking at myself in the mirror, just as we were about to leave the hotel we stayed in last, at the end of the trip. There I was wearing the magenta velour tracksuit I so wanted, happily wheeling the fuchsia suitcase I was dying to have, my hair was a perfect mess and face blotchy due to a lack of self control at cocktail intake the prior night. I still don't wear lipstick and wear too much eyeliner. I have my quirks, a lot of them, but not whilst I cry and not even first thing in the morning, has he ever looked at me differently - he often looks at me and smiles lovingly, or sometimes just when I think he's preoccupied with something more important than me, he gives me a kiss on my forehead.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Color me 'Happy'.

Besides my newly acquired, seemingly mismatched albeit oddly coordinated palette for the forthcoming Spring (lilac, gray/black, animal), I also plan on rocking blue, chocolate brown/red, light denim and beige/white this season.. In other words - I have tons of pretty new stuff and that, indeed makes me happy.

Yanno what else makes me happy? Not that I've mentioned much aside from a dozen times every day, last five Facebook status updates and.. Okay so it's been mentioned, regardless; I'm going on vacation. VACATION. *insert happy scream here*. With the person I love spending time the most (of course there's my kid..but in terms of adult company)

The day after tomorrow. Happy.
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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Pocketful of Sunshine.

On Friday, at 3pm, I will have probably arrived at the airport or will at least have long since been on my way - I'm going to a place I have always wanted to go to. I'm going.. with exactly the kind of person I have always wanted to be with. It's just going to be so different than all the planning I had done years ago.

Dare I say things are fantastic? Even if deep down, I sort of wish I could have had that pink suitcase I wanted, or that JC tracksuit to match - but I feel that way only because I used to have a lilac and a turquoise one. But okay, a borrowed suitcase - my amazing boyfriend's suitcase, and 10 days of absolute fun.. I guess in retrospect, whether the luggage is pink, lilac, turquoise or altogether borrowed is trivial. 

This isn't to say that any of this is different in a worse way, not at all. I am so happy and.. in love, without a doubt.

My life has just turned out so different. I can even dare to say that maybe, just maybe it didn't turn out any worse - in some aspects, better, as I have my beautiful daughter. I am in love with a man who's given my life color, I'm not alone anymore. Maybe, once I learn how to turn to him for more support or shelter, life will become less difficult, I need to get over the fear of being resented for needing help or support - that wouldn't happen, I can logically deduct that, now only to actually believe it..

Today is Tuesday.. Tomorrow Wednesday, Thursday will fly by - then Friday. We leave on Friday.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

"How are you?"

Work. 8:30am: Considering the lack of sleep, it ought to have been illegal for me to even be awake at that time, little yet primped, caffeinated and sitting at the office.

The Calvin Klein clad blue eyed guy sitting next to me was chirping about something or other, he was not only awake but in a fantastic mood. I remember looking at his hair earlier, when I first caught a glance of him I couldn't help wondering what he did to his hair to make it look so freaking styled yet absolutely gel/mousse-free. One might assume that I found him attractive but one would be mistaken - it was the coffee he was carrying that I couldn't wait to get my hands on.

I looked as though I had spent the night under the bed as opposed to in it.

I listened to his voice, as he was telling me that was clearly, very amusing and I could tell he wanted feedback as he went on: "Fab!" I manage, both sincerely yet sarcastically- I'm talented that way.

He stares me. I giggle, hoping that's a more appropriate reaction to what he had been saying. He continues staring. I give out an uneasy sigh, and mutter something along the lines of 'life's really somethin' sometimes, innit?'. He doesn't seem convinced.

"What's wrong with you?" He squints at me. "I'm okay!" I exclaim, almost cutting him off, that's how fast I reacted. As though my 'I'm Okay' mantra is the panacea for all things gruesome and horrible in the world.

"Right.." He continues. "What's up?" he elbows me. "Are things ever okay in the morning?" I say and tail off with an uneasy laugh.

I think it was then that I felt most sad and most lonely - because I realized how badly I wanted to talk about what I was feeling or maybe about how I was feeling, even though I fought the urge to talk about these things all night.

"Well if you want to talk about anything, I'm here for you, seriously, let's talk about what's bothering you.." he says, and I think he'd have put his arm around me had I not recoiled at what he said.

I didn't want to talk to him about this. I wanted to.. talk to someone else about it.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

On My Mind?

I am so upset. So, so upset. But why? It's not as though the fact hasn't ever been brought to my attention before - it's always like a damned slap in the face.

I don't feel better. I'm not being made feel better and I can't make myself feel better. It's always so sudden. Usually takes me days to forget, to recover. To pretend like none of this is actually part of my life.. to seclude what makes me happy and separate that, from what makes me unhappy - though it's something that in itself is one and the same. Oh god.

How much longer? Really? Can someone just tell me?

Why do I feel as though it's never going to end? That's my biggest fear you know.. it never actually ending. What if it doesn't?