Monday, May 30, 2011

She suddenly realized..

I don't think I'm alone anymore, Toto.
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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

And the beat goes on..

The weekend had been so emotionally draining that I was left shaken.

In just one moment everything changed, and when I woke up on Monday morning, it all came flashing back to me - I expected to startle, but I didn't.

For the better part of the day, I walked around feeling anxious and even scared, but not alone. I wasn't too tired to start my day, nor was I feeling unwelcome or as though I'm or Nika was somebody's burden.

Like I said, everything changed in just a moment - my biggest fear is that these changes are less of a mutual decision and more of a necessity and I hope my relationship in no way suffers because of this. I'm so afraid of that happening. But I have no choice.. no choice but to stay but thankfully, this 'no choice' is the -best- choice.

In my frenzied thoughts of getting away from the things making me so sad, I didn't realize that my subconscious and unintended planning (which would have gone nowhere, as I would -not- leave this city) almost hurt someone so dear to me. I cannot get across how much I regret all that talk and thought about leaving.

I'm staying. Staying here, just.. in such a different setting. There is so much to do, it frightens me. I keep being told that everything will be okay and I completely believe that, now I do. There's reason and there's hope. Again, I just hope that current circumstances don't cause friction or regret. I'm.. happy and comfortable, and just a little scared but hopeful for better things and times.

It wasn't true, what I was told all those years ago - that once I had nothing to give and nowhere to go, I'd have no one to love me, and that people only love and stick by me when I'm beautiful and happy. I was at my most miserable and ugliest these past two months - but not alone. I'm hoping this never changes.

I still feel overwhelmed and like there is so much to do, that I may not be able to do even half of it, but I'm trying my hardest to beat those feelings down and just realize that no one is pushing me to do anything or to be anyone I'm not - I am safe, thus I should feel safe. Must think, realize and know, that I am safe.

Long week.

But all I did, was, cling onto the support of a person who loves me unconditionally, and I tried to find the courage to change that, what inhibits me from living in a way that would make me happy - to change that, what I cannot accept.

Every day is getting to be just a little bit better.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Sometimes, regardless of how much you love someone or how perfect that one or two things in life seem - if in retrospect, you feel you cannot go on living in either the place you're at or the environment you're in, there is no fighting that feeling. I'd never know how to say goodbye.

Yet, I also know, that any medicine, if taken for a prolonged period of time, will eventually lose its medical capacity - in my case, the first time that I was held and told it was going to be okay - I felt so liberated, I believed it, and that things were going to get better, even the second and the third, countless times. But they did not, and will continue not to, unless I exit the situation altogether.

I just cannot go on saying that something is so wrong, I am too lost amongst the people who are able to live through 'something being wrong'. I'm not one of them. I come from somewhere else, something different.

I've never been told that, given my situation, I'll most likely have to pull a 'chinuppin' and continue to rely on people - it's never been stated to me quite like that before. It hurt.

In complete honesty, I've never really been all alone. I have always had that one or two close people in my life, that at the time, were in fact the closest to me and the ones I could count on, the ones who were the first to help and the ones who'd help the most, but I never looked at it from a prism of this kind of dynamic being me 'relying' on them. I know I did, and.. even now, I do, but.. it sounded so much uglier, stated that way. Reliance is so one-sided, I was deep down, hoping that it was perceived as something more mutual.. because I always do my possible best for the ones I love.I suppose I could have seen that particular deduction coming my way - it's why I have a chronic fear of asking for help, because I only ever ask the people closest to me, the worst thing would be, if they thought it were one-sided, them helping, and me taking.

Maybe Moscow is not for me? Maybe. Who's to say, it could very well be the truth. I haven't been able to make the city work for me, it's mostly me breaking, trying to survive here. Really, it has been that way since Day 1 - some days easier, some days harder. Others impossible.

I'm even terrified of going to visit Nika's new kindergarten tomorrow (her first day is on Tuesday). Do you know why, visiting a private educational facility for children terrifies me? - Because all sorts of things can go wrong, and frankly if it does go wrong, I am going to turn my back on this city once and for all, because that would just be the last straw for any strength or patience I have.

That is just typical Moscow for you. Fine, I don't know what Moscow would be like for you, but that's what it is for me - freaking hell difficult. To the city's defense though, my current misery actually stems from other things, but the impossible circumstances that Moscow worsens .. it makes this problem not possible for me to solve.

Nothing is ever as easy as that though.

If I left, I would be leaving my most ultimately perfect relationship ever imaginable behind.

That sounds like the worst idea ever. And a cat. I have a cat. FML.

In the words of Nika, quoting Winnie The Pooh - "Think! Think! Think!".


Невозможно рассказать вам историю мою
Очень сложно
Вспоминаю словно сон, как знакомились с тобой

Скоро я взлетаю
И тебя теряю
От любви своей я

Я не могу без тебя
Я всё думаю о нас
Я не могу передать
Что я чувствую сейчас
Снег заметёт следы
Не расскажет никому
То что с тобой были мы
И как я тебя люблю

До отлёта полчаса, регистрация прошла
Как обычно
Я ищу твои глаза, не хватает рук тепла

Скоро я взлетаю
И тебя теряю
От любви своей я

Я не могу без тебя
Я всё думаю о нас
Я не могу передать
Что я чувствую сейчас
Снег заметёт следы
Не расскажет никому
То что с тобой были мы

Невозможно рассказать вам историю мою
Очень сложно


Well okay, I know that generally speaking - wholesale websites are NOT a good idea. However, one depressing evening, I sat and skimmed through YouTube reviews and Googled some - and decided to give into my temptation. Eurovision song contest playing on TV in background, a tub of Baskin Robbins Cookies N' Creme ice-cream within reach, a pack of tissues gone - and a-shopping-basket-filled later, I stopped crying.

This Stuff: I want it..

Now, we've only to play 'tell the difference' when/if I get that package! Fingers crossed for the best, as I freaking hell love all of the pictured stuff and it'd probably cost me a thousand dollars to assemble 15 items similar to these  over the course of the summer - I don't have that kind of money or time, or luck for that matter - I haven't seen clothes quite like these here and I'm am -fantastic- at 'finding' and 'seeking out'.

On another note, despite my insomnia-fused eat-like-a-pig incidents, I have indeed managed to lose weight. It's my goal to AT LEAST get back to last summer's shape, which was 44kg, I was a little over 48kg when I got back from the Paris vacation - I blame the boyfriend, and butter.     
May 18th weight: 47.2kg
 Goal weight: 42kg
Stuff done to get there: Sadness induced loss of appetite + lack of spending money for tubs of ice-cream + uh.. motivation? >.> (kind of..)

Sunday, May 15, 2011


I regretted pressing the 'Send' button instantly, because you know what? The answer is actually 'No.'It just doesn't seem to matter, whether or not I say I'm okay. It doesn't make much difference.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

What would you do?

Happiness is real, only when what you think, what you feel, what you say and what you do are all in harmony.
Yesterday, as I threw my bags and sat my toddler into the car, the driver turned around and said 'you must be in terrific shape!', I asked why and he said it seemed so because of how easily I coped with my daughter and the bags.

I said I wasn't, and actually it was very difficult. Then I asked him what he'd do in my place, and he said, that he guessed, the same. On our way out of the cab he helped us with the bags.

That's what it's all about, coping because you have no choice.

It's actually sometimes easier to cope if you are all alone - if you expect no help from anybody. Then it's just a survival instinct. You do what you do, because you have to do it. However, when there's somebody to call - to vent or complain to, to theoretically ask for help,  even if they've proclaimed themselves, to be no panacea - regardless, you find yourself hoping.

Hoping, that when you say how tired you are, someone will take a load off you. You help people as best you can, until you are bloody blue in the face from being helpful, and then eagerly wait and hope, that karma exists and you'll get some help in return.You find yourself hoping, because it's all you've got left to do. You help, help and continue helping, standing there with arms open, help is coming, isn't it? It's like a time-lapse video, of you standing there, arms wide - the early morning, midday, afternoon.. an evening with pink skies, which then grow darker.. and then a pitch black night, yet help hasn't quite made its way to you. What would you do, if you were so pathetically hopeful for better times, that they must come and must exist?

What would you do, if you're sick and so is your daughter, you are absolutely incapable of functioning and so tired that your eyes are shutting closed involuntarily. Your daughter is tugging on all of your limbs, wanting to play, albeit she's as ill as you, she doesn't understand the concept of rest, she wants to play, she's built a Lego figurine she wants to show you. She needs to go to the bathroom, and she's bored playing alone. What would you do? I don't know what you would, but I get up from under the blanket and plonk down on the floor with her, and watch her show me how to play.

What would you do, if the person you love is so evidently stressed, and you can see all these ways to help them. Not to overspend money, on something you know you can save money for them. So you search and search, every possible database out there, hoping your phone-account won't run out of money making arrangements and . You convince as best you can, and try and try your best, hoping for everything to work out. You are always making arrangements, and phone-calls and placing orders - hoping to help. And then you find yourself walking on eggshells, not to add to any of that stress.

What would you do? If you feared being tired, upset or lost - for fear of losing the people you love? What would you do, if you were absolutely terrified, of finding out whether or not these people will still love you, when you have nothing left to give.

What would you do, if you guiltily found yourself looking up one-way plane tickets, and guiltily rejoicing, know that you can afford to buy those tomorrow. What would you do, if reluctantly, you only had the energy to plot one plan, that plan being to get away.

What would you do, if you were so tired of saying how tired you were.

It's no longer a comfort, people saying it will be okay. It will not be okay. It's not a comfort being told how strong I am, because I'm not. You do what you have to, to keep opening your eyes every morning, to ask for forgiveness when you feel you've been not right, to keep hoping that February fades and Spring will be better and will turn into a beautiful summer. You try not to rush, neither yourself nor the people you care for, to say things or make decisions they are not ready for. You struggle to keep being able to say, how you don't regret the decisions you've already made, how you don't regret a thing. Sometimes I feel like February never ends for me.

February has always been depression, infused with outbursts of euphoria, and then steep, fast falling into disappointment and dismay for the things and some people around me, complete weakness and lack of incentive or strength to make rise against the factors that inhibit me from living just the way I want. Fighting, fighting, struggle, and then mental rest. Pure unjustified hope for better things and better times - and then emptiness.

Tick-Tock the clock is mocking me.

And when I'm lonely or hurt, I long for the enclosed, restricted freedom I could have had. Yet then, strikes a memory of a cold, apathetic glare piercing me straight-through, and I remember exactly why I left that behind.

I wish somebody stopped me now, and told me I am wrong. I wish somebody would help me, shed what's left of my illusions and helped me build a dream to live instead. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Eurovision Song Contest

Why do I do this to myself?

I dunno to be honest. It's almost like a tradition.

Sucks to be watching it with a snoozing toddler on your shoulder, but .. it beats watching it alone. This contest has always been about good food, good company and many laughs though. This year, for the semi-final competitions.. it's likely to be just Nika, the cat and me. What a change from last year.. watched these in a hotel room, with my then uh.. travelling 'someone' who'd only show up to Moscow once every two weeks, if that, and disappeared for the rest of the time, but regardless, we watched this together.

The year before that, Nika was tiny, and I was with a close friend, much of it I spent falling asleep on his shoulder because Nika was such a handful during the day. The previous one.. similarly again. Recently it had been in Russia.. so was a pretty significant show.

But yeah, things change?

We'll see what'll be worth remember about this contest, this year. It really isn't about the contest at all.

Monday, May 9, 2011

For Comparison

[May. 5th, 2009|11:17 pm]
[mood | cold]

Dated August, 2005.

Let's just get this over with, let's punctuate and put the fullstops down.
I forgot the last time when I've ended a letter to you in something other than a blank as I never finish them.

Let's take the time to talk all this out, even it's for the last damn time, obviously my subtle hints (even if they were deafening screams) are as irrelevant as these raindrops outside trivially pounding on your window, my futile attempts to get into your world and the things I have to do.

Are you going to let me in or shall I break off one day, never to come back again? The obvious facts are not things you can comprehend, that much has been made clear.

You're too busy with yourself, all the errands and things you can't put off, your career and people you have to see in places where you have to go to. This has become your world, or has it always been? You're avoiding me, possibly purposely?

Your career has become you, and you have become what you do; and that's one hell of a contrast from what you've promised to give me, even if I could see it coming. Hell with that, that's not something I can ever grow to love. You try to pass yourself off for the same person you promised every time I cried you would become, that's a fraud that you can't get by me.

Can you no longer see where I am coming from? Where I am? Who I am? Why I'm that?

Who the hell am I to say that you're praying to the wrong Gods? For fortune, fame, power and even more money. And I don't pray at all, what does that say about me?

Don't try to buy what I have always and would continue to give you for free. In reality, I've given you so much my dear, I fear I have nothing else left to give. The thin thread that's keeping us together is stretched to its elastic limit, can't you see? You're so careful, it's not life to you anymore, it's become a chessboard, well think twice, why don't you. Though every day you claim I am your queen, I don't believe you anymore. It's all a game seems to have always been so, the least you could do, is think through your turns carefully, for the sake of the love that we could.. maybe get back one day.

What's left other than just to sort it all, nicely, as organized as you'd like it to be, I give up, if that's what you'd like, plan everything out, let's know when we'll do what and how exactly, there's the chance, so take it, damn it.

Let's dig deep, through all the dirt, even though that's not something either of us would want, but facing the truth, it won't work otherwise/ I have to know the things you've done that you've been hiding, and I will tell you mine. You're so taken with whatever it is you've grown accustomed to calling 'life', that you can't even tell that something is so wrong, it's exactly what we need to do for you to see how wrong things have gone.

I'm so, so done with you, with wanting what we don't have, with wanting the closeness that we aren't even near - so tired. In the meantime .. you're so absorbed in everything that's not me, that you don't even know any of this.

There is something terribly wrong.


Friday, May 6, 2011

Being invisible, summer shoes, manicure and losing a friend.

I've already spoken about my dreams, or .. The dreams that I have, rather. This long weekend has gone by smoothly for me, surprisingly so, as in absolute honesty, deep down I feel as though it's World War 3 inside me.

I feel as though I should be making decisions, taking actions, persevering, dusting off, trying once more.. But do you know what I'm actually doing? Coping.

I thought I had made a decision a few weeks ago, but because I felt that it was too difficult to follow through with singlehandedly, I just shoved myself back into the volatile albeit routine thing I call everyday life, thus feeling trapped, but I continued coping. I am still coping. I will continue coping.

So about the dream.

I look up at the ceiling - absolutely familiar outlines and angles, but it's all so brightly lit that my eyes feel itchy and I often have to cover them or look away, for it being too unbearable to focus.

Nika was around, I could feel her being present but she was nowhere to be heard or seen. This made me uneasy and worried, I knew something was wrong before any actual events in the dream had occured.

I couldn't understand why the light was so bright and why there had clearly been made a mess in the kitchen, the kind that I generally would neither make nor leave to sit. I felt upset at not being able to clean it up.

The television was on, and the show was also making me annoyed but I couldn't even switch the channel.

The bedsheets were different.

The clothes laying around - one set I recognized, the rest no, although they were female clothes.

Over the course of the dream, several unpleasant things happened that I stood by and idly watched, unable to prevent or even react to.

It all ended, as I watched my boyfriend get into bed with someone else - the woman he was living with, when they snapped the light switch off and my vision turned into a flash of pitch black, I opened my eyes - to see the same ceiling and familiar outlines.

Now, as I've said before, these sort of 'Brain, what the hell were you even thinking when dreaming that?!' night-time occurances I've just simply had to learn to deal and live with. I still woke up in a fabulous mood and continued to enjoy my weekend.

Alas in the words of Oscar Wilde - 'True friends stab you in the front', I made the mistake of picking up the phone yesterday, as my friend's name flashed across the screen.

He asked about my weekend, and then let spew, the most wretched things I have ever stood to listen from him.

He said my boyfriend was using me, that I had let him slip into a comfort zone where now and in the future, the relationship will remain static. That I should forget about ever living together, or similar 'normal', that he's likely to turn around and start having side-show flings any moment now. I'm not even going to touch the subject further - I'm known to be the person who's most difficult to offend in any sort of way, but the things said were horrible.

'You have to meet my friend!' he exclaimed, before the arguing had started. 'He's got a reputation for being the life of any party and is known for making life a party wherever he goes!' he had continued.

I was rushing home from work, and said 'As Margaret Atwood has said, wanting to meet an authour because you like his books, but in our case, wanting to meet someone only for their reputation or what people say about them is indeed, like wanting to meet a duck because you like pate', I replied.

There was silence for a few moments on the other end of the line, then the insulting began.

So there you have it, another friend bites the dust.

In other news, I bought four fantastic pairs of shoes yesterday. Had my nails done, and am thinking of doing something a little different with my hair for the summer.
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