Thursday, June 30, 2011

Fun, fun..

Quiz: Determine Your Level of Relationship Satisfaction

Take this quiz to determine how satisfied you are in your intimate relationship.  For each of the 16 relationship traits listed below, rate each trait from the following two scales.

SATISFACTION SCALE:  How satisfied are you with each of these aspects of your relationship?

5: Enthusiastic—it couldn’t be any better  4:  Quite satisfied  3:  It’s all right, I guess—I can’t complain   2:  A little disappointed—it could be better  1:  Really disappointed—not what I expected
IMPORTANCE SCALE:  How important to your relationship is each of these?

6:  Absolutely essential  5:  Extremely important  4:  Very important  3:  Moderately important  2:  Slightly important   1:  Not at all important
  1. Opportunity to raise children
  2. Enjoying sexual relations with mate
  3. Understanding by partner of your problems and feelings
  4. Standard of living
  5. Finding sex with your partner to be exciting
  6. Expressions of love and affection by your partner
  7. Household tasks which are done by partner
  8. Having sexual relations as often as desired
  9. Companionship/doing things with partner
  10. Having sexual relations bound up with love and affection
  11. Having fun with partner
  12. Romantic experiences with partner
  13. Being respected by partner
  14. Having similar interests with partner
  15. Being in love with partner
  16. Self-confidence or self-esteem enhanced by partner
SCORING AND EVALUATION:  To evaluate your relationship Satisfaction Scale, add together your scores.  This is a measure of how well your relationship measures up to your hopes and expectations.  The higher your score, the more satisfied you are with your relationship.  A score of 32 or lower may be a sign that you want to find ways to improve your relationship.

The Importance Scale will spotlight your satisfaction with the aspects of a relationship you value the most.  To determine your score, find the questions for which your individual Importance answers were was 4, 5 or 6, and add together the Satisfaction scores for those items.

(A)     Total Satisfaction score for high-importance responses:  _____
(B)      Count up how many of your Importance scores were a 4 or higher.  Total ____

Now divide the number in (A) by the number in (B).  The answer should be between one and five.  The higher the number, the happier and more satisfied you will feel with the areas of your relationship that are most important to you.

Compare your most important items with those of your partner.  Identifying the items of greatest importance can guide you both to those aspects of your relationship that need attention.
Source:  “The Love Test” by Rutter and Schwartz (Perigee).

Friday, June 17, 2011


Everything has been undone. It could be frightening that such emotions and thoughts would just fade into thin air - but there is no anger, bitterness or hurt.

Yesterday may have not made me any stronger but it didn't kill me.

Besides stress induced lethargy, I feel really good. None of my feelings were over-reactions or exaggerations of any sort. At the same time, they were so grave that really, with a fraction of the possbile the worst now behind me, it now feels as though I'm surrounded by an eerie kind of peace.

Forget mode, activated.
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Thursday, June 16, 2011

In a mind far, far away.

'I feel as though I live on another planet' I began. 'In a happy wonderful place, with you, but then something like this happens..and proves that I really am on another planet and actually, things in the real world are nothing like it' I tailed off.

I really do feel that way. I peered at the front door yesterday, every time I walked by - many times. I thought about and pictured myself walking out of it.

From the very beginning, I knew it was about investing time, patience and emotions in all this and then waiting - but yesterday, I felt drained of anything I have had to give, and was wondering if it was best I left.

I am in shock right now. Like the sickly lurid striking calm after a vicious thunderstorm. There has definitely been wreckage, because this thunder storm had lasted a week, but nobody noticed, and nobody seemed to care, until it was blatantly obvious, until I made it obvious that things were collapsing.

By this evening, it will all have been over. Yet there's nothing to say, whether or not, I will remain the same. As though evaisive action, in order not to keep hurting, by the end of last night, I felt nothing more than cold apathy and tiredness. I am not claiming that I am the only one hurting - I am only talking about my feelings, and what they are through the prismic vision I see them through.

Now it's all about pretense. Pretense that none of this ever existed. By tonight, it has to be made that way. Everything must go back into its place, and I must be made to feel, as though this hurricane that erupted onto me, only shifted what's real, and I was shaken and didn't realize. The saddest thing, is that I have no power to do any of that. It's not up to me. And if someone is too busy, too tired or consoling himself with different people or things I will be hurt beyond description, then none of it is ever going to be the same. The cards will have been dealt. I have done and given all I could.

Time. Just a little bit more time. That is the only thing.
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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Time to Forget

In the words of my current Facebook status - Today (and in retrospect, tomorrow), will not kill me - yet, I won't get any stronger.

Endure. Persevere. Is it expected that I remain blank and cold through all this? If yes, then.. what would that make me? Anything but myself. How much longer, will I manage? I don't know. I feel as though I have no place - neither here, nor anywhere else. A part of me wants to go away, and hide for sometime, another part of me fears that I will never forget this, and in the worst of times, my mind will travel back to this day. How I would like to say, that by the end of tomorrow, I will have forgotten this all.

I feel as though I am forcing myself into someone else's world. There is no space or place there, am I artificially constructing it? If that's the case, then I'm not 'getting' hurt, I'm choosing to be. So sickly bitter.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Right now it's difficult because I find myself dealing with and fighting very similar emotions as the ones I had many years ago, albeit in relatively different situations, but in retrospect, the feelings are the same right now.

I keep reminding myself, how not permanent all of this is, how it's all about to pass..finish and .. that will be the last of it, I won't ever have to look back at it.

I didn't like what happened the other day. I don't think anybody would look at it the same way I do, but I felt.. rejected, would be the exact way to put it. Truth be told, I've already been in moments when the person with me shifts awkwardly at the sight of someone they may or may not know - the reason for their awkwardness being my presence. I know that this is not even remotely similar to the reasons all those years ago, but this time around, there are other reasons, I suppose. Gosh, I can't help being in some places, sometimes.. at times, at places with Nika, or being myself. It's not fair. 

I realize, that because I'm just that extra bit insecure these days, for that.. extra reason, I get a little extra hurt, extra-easily. It's a locked circle, and because of that extra bit of insecurity, I'm extra quiet about everything, for being extra afraid to say anything. I feel that when someone is extra busy and extra stressed, it's best not to be.. an extra worry-factor for that person.

There's really nothing else I can do, that I'm not doing already.

Time. Just a little bit more time.

Friday, June 10, 2011


I sat in the metro. Eyes sort of welling up.. Much to my dismay. I generally don't even plop myself down on the seats and trooper it out regardless of the length of journey, unlike today though.

I plopped myself down between a badly dressed woman and a young guy. I sat there, gazing blankly into the floor. Drowning in self pity of 'why me', if you may.

To the left of me, the guy fidgeted awkwardly with pieces of post-it papers. And I suddenly remember why I don't usually sit down - little to no personal bubble space. He butted me with his elbow and prodded me with his shoulder. I huffed and puffed.

Just as I was going to come up with a rude remark, starring him right in the pretty green eye - he hands me an origami flower.. Made out of the post-it papers he had been fidgeting with. This was unexpected and sweet, and all his elbowing and shouldering me was to later make me smile. I felt guilty.

I took the flower out of his hand and smiled big, eyes drying up instantly. He was attractive. Somewhat sun-kissed dark blonde hair, green eyes, tall and somewhat built.. And evidently, sweet or at least a little more thoughtful than just an empty come-on line. Though needless to say, I bet that origami flower routine had been perfected through trial and error..but hey, it would have so worked.. Had it not been for me being in a relationship.

He said I had a pretty smile.. And I did what any flattered albeit undoubtedly taken by someone else girl would do - I pretended not to speak any Russian.

I walked out of the train at the next station, smiling at him as he waved, still clutching my pretty yellow flower.
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Thursday, June 9, 2011

Dreams. Feelings. Signs. Rings.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been told that the most difficult and in par, the best and most desired things - are ones worth fighting for, waiting for, being patient for, the whole bouquet of virtues. Yes, okay. I know.

It all started with Facebook chat bombarding me with .. emails long .. unneeded, burried in the depth of my inbox there - where they belong. I didn't want to ever think about or remember that day, little yet read an email about it.

 I'm not superstitious, but I am very easily impressionable  and more vulnerable than anybody would ever guess. A less than pleasant dream last night has had me shaken all day, to a point of where finally, to calm my nerves, I sat down to sketch a barely-filled glass of water, and you know what? That is one damn difficult glass to sketch.

"Don't you see what's going on?!" I was demanding in my dream, aghast at the preposterous goings-on. "I don't see anything, what are you talking about?" I got replied to, in a frustrated and fed up tone.

There really is a lot going on, emotionally - I'm in a strange place, as of this evening, it is only going to get worse. I have to look forward to these things that trouble me ending - reminding myself, every second, of every day when I feel down, that they are not here to stay, there is no permanency in this.

I'm happiest right before going to bed - the day is over, and right when waking up - new day ahead.

I'm insecure. Terrified of being thought of as disillusioning. I panic and cry at so much as the very vaguest notion of the hint that history is repeating itself. If that in itself is not falsely disillusioning .. I say falsely because that is nothing like me. I know who I am, and how I am - also, I know how I react and when.. and this is not my fault. I'm really scared.

I'm most scared about it being blatantly evident to me, that should things take a turn towards a change, a regressing one, I will be devastated and I will not feel the same again. It will have become too frightening.

That dream was like a sign. Or maybe it will only be that if I let it.


A few days ago, I realized I was one ring short - my favourite one, it's a snake setting, with a large rhinestone in it, it's worth no more than your average fashion silver ring, but emotionally, I have been attached to it for a very long time, which in itself is bothersome, but regardless, we're not analyzing the state of me.. we're..merely talking about it.

I was upset, I am still upset - it's lost.

Whilst getting ready yesterday, I put on my only sparkling bracelet, paired with my sparkling hoops and donned on my 'dainty' ring. It's only jewelery these days. Well, regardless: within minutes, I noticed it was gone from my finger. I found it on the bathroom floor. Two rings in one week?

I contemplated the significance of it all or whether it was my usual carelessness, or, in my boyfriend's words 'you are definitely messier than I am'.

Yeah, that's true. I am indeed. I must have done well enough picking up after myself though, as he's barely noticed all the stray feelings.

Indeed, poster-child for insecurity and fear of things to come - that would be me.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Step one:- do the ultimate opposite of what well-meaning friends claim you ought to.

No. I will NOT ruin this relationship by suddenly locking up my feelings - for ten months I have done otherwise, shared everything and anything there was to share, it's what made this relationship different and why it has been working.

Step two:- Go back before it's too late, and say what there is to say.

Step three:- Deal with consequences, if any. Well that's Plan A.. Plan B, if unable to go through with Plan A, is cry a hellofalot.
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I suppose I spoke too soon about a zero stress factor. Yesterday, it was as though I was colorblind. As if there is so much that surrounds me, that what I cannot see in all of its 3-dimensional colourful vibrancy. Then people get angry at me, for that, what I cannot see, or do, because I see things differently. See them differently, hear them differently, think about them differently and then do them differently.

This is just so typically me, trying to perfect something for someone, in some way, until my head explodes because at the time, it's what makes me happy, then, in turn getting hurt when my out-most efforts turn around being deemed or proven not quite enough by circumstances or events. It hurts.

I wish I had a mapped-out route, not to make these mistakes anymore. I'm in constant fear of the people close to me feeling as though I'm in their way in some form or another, for making the wrong decision, taking the wrong route. I disdain that feeling of being in the way.. Or heading in the wrong way.

I don't really know what to do at the moment, which.. Me being me, is not uncanny. Yet even if I did, I wouldn't quite know how to do it. I guess everyone is afraid of something - I'm afraid of sudden and volatile change, due to which, in turn, I would not feel the same afterwards.

It's difficult to differentiate feelings of fear, the ones manifesting deep inside and surfacing every so often when provoked, and actual feelings of dread - dread of changes and getting hurt. Dread is worse, as it's something you live with on a daily basis, as opposed to fear that's provoked by an incident or other.

I'm definitely afraid but.. Without a doubt dreading.

If .. what I'm dreading really does happen, needless to say, I'm afraid it could, then this time in my life, things are likely not to be any different. It'll all change. I will change. What and how I feel will change. I'm trying my best not to think that way. 'It'll all change, won't it?' I began yesterday, reasoning with myself, seemingly in preparation.

I have nothing left to do, but to hope otherwise.
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Thursday, June 2, 2011


Cigarettes smoked since deciding to quit on April 17th: 1
Paris vacation weight: GONE

Nika's preschool: sorted!

Hair: DONE!
Nails: 5pm today

Summer wardrobe 'in love and floating' revamping process: ..saving up for! (Not quite Karen Millen silhouette, Lauren Vidal chiffon or Gizia glitz or Caterina Leman lace, but it will be fab!)

Boyfriend: LOVE.

Dozen 'need to be done' errands: 2 left!
Stress factor: none!


I mentally traced the facial features of the person sitting opposite me - desperately searching for differentiating qualities but feeling defeated by the striking resemblance. For the better part of the beginning of the night, it wasn't easy. Sitting right across from the person who was living proof of the fact that what I fear most, is not only real but also closer than I could ever imagine. My mind wandered.

Last Friday, I was in a pharmacy, having just rushed out of the office, I was still catching my breath. Piling baby panadol, cough syrup and other things into my shopping basket. Nika had come down with a cold and developed a cough seemingly overnight, so I couldn't let her go to kindergarten, but it had been too late to cancel work, so I did what I could as quick as I could.

Standing in the queue, nervously tapping my foot.

Two women in front of me. Not pretty per-se, but evidently remarkably well-kempt, it looked as though they had both spent the better part of the morning getting ready to leave home.

One wearing a beautiful floral print maxi dress, and shoes I would kill for, sporting a neat bob haircut and flawless make-up. The other in a summer two piece suit and pumps that would break my ankle, wavy hair and deceivingly natural toned make-up .. A lot of it.

'I wish I knew how he feels about me! I keep bringing it up in all sorts of contexts with no result!' the maxi-dress brunette wailed.

'At least it's romantic and nerve-shaking for a good reason, me? I think my boyfriend finds me less attractive with my hair up and without make-up!'

I try my best to refrain from snorting, as in all likeliness, that could have been the truth.

'I don't remember the last time I was told I'm beautiful and we aren't even in a relationship yet!' the other one wails.

'No really, he hasn't touched me in a week! He doesn't even kiss me when he comes home! Does this mean the passion is gone..or has he found someone else to feel passion for?!' The copper wavy-haired one becomes hysterical.

'There, there' she gets consoled by her friend. 'What I think is key, is to never go to bed without dabbing some lipstick on and reapplying some mascara, and really, men seldom find women with their hair up attractive'.

I continue standing there. About ready to kill myself by means of overdosing on the medicine lined up on the shelf to the left of me, wondering, if one can even OD on vitamins, and what the aftermath would bring and if my skin and nails would be healthier.

I suppose deep down, I have the same concerns; does my boyfriend still look forward to seeing me, does he still find me attractive, am I too unavailable or too clingy, do I do too much or too little.. But you know what, a part of me was thrilled that I'm too busy rushing back and forth, to and from work. Taking care of Nika, placing and receiving orders for household stuff and scouting out a carpenter to make extra kitchen panels from scratch, to stop and think about these trivial albeit emotionally draining things - I toppled all of my purchases onto the counter for the cashier to ring up, and as I left the pharmacy, I caught a glimpse of the two friends standing in the exact same positions and waving their arms, rolling their eyes as they had been, but I was too busy dashing back home to think about the things they had been saying.
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