Saturday, December 31, 2011

Being Blocked!

So..

My Facebook profile: Tasha

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In reference to this:

The Background Story:
http://tashaplusnika.blogspot.com/2011/11/sick.html

So yeah. In mid discussion with my friend Gianni - who still lives in Malta, we decided to figure out how far Facebook blocking really goes and whether or not you are able to see the person, given the fact that they blocked you, on another person's friend list. Get this, I found out I've been blocked!

Needless to say, after my Facebook status as well as blog entry went public - I suddenly noticed that particular friend disappear off both my friend-list and my boyfriend's, I figured she could have deleted Facebook for personal reasons, she had been claiming she wanted to for a while at that point. Anyway, I wasn't particularly eager to talk to her about the birthday party ordeal, but it's not like I blamed her for the incident, it's not her fault that some people think the way they do, right?

Alas, I suppose upon seeing that Facebook status she decided that we can no longer be friends, and so I got unfriended and thus deleted -and- blocked. 

I don't think she was much a friend in that case, of course but this leads back to me having to ask: frankly, besides the few people I call friends, several others I can hands down, fully confidently trust but I don't see them in person.. ever, plus my fiance, who is essentially my best friend. At least I can trust these people, well, at least I know they won't be deleting off Facebook without a talk first - insert 'lol' here.. who in heck is a real friend these days and how do you know?

She seemed sincere most times, dare I say she acted as though she genuinely cared when I said that I wasn't feeling comfortable at her party, being that I am of very Asian descent and her friends are very racist. I suppose not! She deleted me the next day or so if not that very evening and I wouldn't be surprised if I got blamed for the tension - damn me and my tolerant ways.


Needless to say, if she didn't make to so much as talk to me before deleting me, there's no way that I'll be talking to her to reconcile. Lesson learned - I'll be pickier and choosier as to who I devote my time to, lesson so very well learned!

Real friends are so hard to come by these days, here's to appreciating the ones that are so hard to come by, but that I've had the fortune to find. I'm grateful for each and every single one of these people <3






Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Sick of being sick!

Fact: I feel less loved when I'm sick.

Or maybe I feel less lovable, I don't know. Don't know, don't care - need a hug. 

I wish I didn't feel that way, but I always do.

I suppose it stems from a lack of self-confidence or something; you know, believing that you're less useful to someone where inhibited from doing certain things for them and with them, and lack of certainty they'll remain feeling the same way about you if you're not completely your capable, fun, outgoing self. Granted, here we're not talking about a chronic illness of any sort, it's just a bloody cold.

Meh.

Still.

I want to get better and go out and buy some wrapping paper. I want to get my nails done before Christmas and I have yet to finish putting together my fiance's gifts.

Bah.

 I was totally feeling the Christmas spirit up until this week hit.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Losing more.. sleep.

Title gives away the suspense, if there ought to even be any.

Somehow, I believe that people have an intuition about their own life and events - at least in some passive, muted form. Mine however often rages, pounds on the walls of my skull and screams into my ears, albeit I've often been told that it's predominantly paranoia and deeply embedded psychological issues that I've never made an effort to address (the latter being false, fyi), regardless.. I saw this coming.

There are other things I fear, and at the moment I am having trouble differentiating whether or not these are fears or things I'm expecting to happen - I am too afraid to venture into that, I can't yet, especially since sooner than I'd like, it will all have been said and done as well decided for me.

I couldn't fall asleep tonight for a particular reason.

Earlier tonight, with my hands still shaking I shuffled pans on the stove - spinach drenched in olive oil and an overcooked duck breast. I was shaken up, both from the chills I've been feeling from being sick and because an hour prior to that my phone vibrated on the laundry basket as I combed through my hair.

My heart sunk and shoved itself into my heels and the emptiness I felt in my chest for those few moments seemed to be pounding all by itself. I felt blood rushing to my shoulders, neck and face. The default ringtone was screaming at me, and I knew that soon it would stop but for just a moment I wasn't sure if I wanted it to, I recognized the number and intuitively I just knew who it was, and so, with a shaken hand I slid the touchscreen answering bar.

I knew just what I'd say, for a very long time, actually from day 1 of my engagement, I have known exactly what I'd say, if I were to talk at all.

I did begin talking, but my much subconsciously rehearsed speech instantly turned into muffled stuttering.

'I should have done this sooner' said the confident voice on the other end and continued on to say that he had been meaning to, but only just summoned the courage to get it over it. Then he said that he knows and I was promptly asked why I hadn't said anything - my first reaction was to reply that I had no plans of even speaking about this, especially not with him but I remained quiet. I remained too quiet.


I now feel robbed and cheated of this chance to talk my heart out.

You used to make all the decisions, all of the decisions for the both of us. All the time. You thought you understood me, and you have always said that you understand me - but no, I am nothing like you say I am, and there is someone now who agrees your description doesn't bear resemblance. I am everything I say I am and nothing like you say I am.


You have always been so engulfed in making all of the decisions - even this one, of us talking. You must have even decided that I forgive you, but I don't. I will not and there is nothing and no one that says I have to.

For the first time, I wanted to tell you that up until this time last year maybe there was something that was left between us but then there was suddenly nothing. You hear that? Nothing. No, there is no one and nothing I would ever go back to.

I know how you'd reply, that you remember so much - everything, you remember everything, is that what you would say? And I would reply that you should forget everything you remember because we can never see each other and we cannot remain friends; and we cannot try, ever.

You might not know me, but I know you - and I know what you'd say, ты бы назвал меня мечтой. 

I am so happy where I am, who I'm with and how I am with him, thank you. I'd probably even tell you that, and then for a moment you wouldn't reply. Right?

This is the conversation I wish I would have had today, that's what I mean and what I've been meaning to say. 


03:14am.







Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Optical Illusion?

-Sigh.

That's what I want to start this particular entry with. A long sigh.


I can't get across how tricky it's been to get through the last 7 days in one piece. I suppose a lot of it starts off in my mind, I lose sleep easily and it doesn't take much for the lost sleep to accumulate and take its toll on me.

I suddenly start seeing things seemingly differently only to later realize that it was not so much different as it is through tired, aggravated and scared eyes.

I've been struggling with self-esteem and weight issues for close to a month now.  That's also a factor.


Self-esteem is such a nasty little b*tch. You either have it or you don't. These days, I just don't. I have been dealing with it all the best.. and for that matter, only way I can. I think it's working, I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing.

I don't understand if some things that I had initially believed to be settled and I had already accepted them as a decision that has been made, now it seems like every other day something comes up in conversation that is clearly not the idea that I had. How do I deal with that? Some days I feel like these realizations I'm put through are chipping away at things I believe are my reality. I don't think that say it hurts is what I feel exactly, more like stunned and frightened a bit more every time. Suddenly cold?

I know there are plenty of changes coming my way, but until recently I believe those changes were what I signed up for, and when a casual conversation ends up sending a mini albeit sudden Earthquake that shakes my reality and understanding of what my life is - it sure as hell registers on -my- Richter scale. But nobody but me seems to want to deal with the aftermath..

I'm scared. 

I feel like I say this out loud a lot, but sometimes the lack of acknowledgement makes me feel as though I didn't really say anything, which in turn, makes me doubt whether I actually did.

I harbour hurt feelings up until a point of being overwhelmed beyond my control all in a single moment. I've always done that. I have been understanding towards all of the people I love ever since I can remember. And also, for as long as I can remember, sometimes intentionally and other times not, my ability to understand has been taken advantage of. I always secretly feel that the people I love will make a choice of their own wishes and desires over my feelings (mind you, I don't say this out of pure dread, more like speaking from experience and based on past events), and then they'll secretly chalk up their reason for doing so because they knew I'd understand - and I most likely will. I think people don't talk about it much, but deep down we all know how much hurt we can take before we are pushed to exit the situation, there's nothing scarier than knowing that you can take a lot of hurt.


I know there are a lot of things to be happy, grateful and absolutely secure about. On the other hand, it seems like the moment I lower my guard about the things that I believe shall now no longer harm me, I get surprised with a vengeance each and every time, and then it's even worse due to it being so unexpected.

I used to answer my 'What now?' question quite easily, I'd say 'Now, it's one of two things - an adventure, or misadventure, but I'll always have a story to tell.' I can't say that anymore.

Really scared.


What do I do? What if my idea of reality gets chipped away at to a point of where I won't even recognize it anymore, and what then? Will it be too late? Should I think about all of this now? Who made those particular decisions? Did I not get a say or do I not remember? Is it all that important? Do I want these things? Will I even get asked if I want them? I still have so many questions. I'm frightened of asking them because I was under the impression that I had already asked them. Will more change and will i regret doing so, if I go back to talk about it? What now?



 -Sigh.


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Cut-corner mini cake!

I'm trying this tonight.


Ingredients

1 egg
4 tablespoons all purpose flour
4 tablespoons white granulated sugar
1/4 tsp baking powder
3 tablespoons melted butter
3 tablespoons cocoa powder
2 1/2 tablespoons Nutella
3 tablespoons of milk
dash of vanilla extract

Combine until smooth.. bake until toothpick comes out clean or microwave in 30 second intervals until done, I've read, we'll see what this will make.. so far so good! Apparently, this works great as a 'mug cake' or a so-called 'microwave cake', but since the fiance is nowhere to be seen, I'm sticking this into a preheated oven at 170c and baking.

Current status:

Will serve these up warm, with some cold whipped cream, and hope it tastes like something that didn't take 15 minutes to throw together!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Being Engaged.

This time next year, I will have been married for.. some time already. We're thinking sometime in November of next year for a date! But that's not official yet.

But there I've said it!

Who would have thought, right?

So, being back and being engaged, and looking forward to an engagement party next weekend, the changes have been somewhat surreal.

I went from excitedly and overwhelmingly flicking through my first bridal magazine (whilst waiting to board the plane that'd take us back  home to Moscow from SF), to binge-watching 'Say Yes To The Dress' as well I have an actual 'Wedding Planning' icon my desktop, not to mention I'm not letting any of those magazines go to waste and I'm happily cutting out all sorts of ideas and I even had plans of going to try on a wedding reception dress I'm in love with because I think it's absolutely perfect and if it fits as perfectly as it looks - I'll take it!

Other progress includes planning to start planning, having just registered on theknot.com and weddingbee boards.. I'm ready to start planning.. to start planning but not really ready to really start planning. TheKnot.com says I have 189 items on the 'to do' list, now that in itself is scary.

Things in many aspects, have only become better. Because more than ever, I feel completely secure and safe in this relationship, not that I didn't before, but now I have a gorgeous ring as a very special reminder every time my mind wanders of in the insecure direction.

Speaking of that ring. I still can't stop smiling. Fact of the matter is, a while ago I was flicking through a magazine (by a while, I mean over a year ago) and I saw this ring that in my eyes, was more perfect than any other ring that I've seen. I have photographic memory and I remembered each curve and diamond and its exact position but even so, I couldn't help tearing the page out of the magazine and presumably, I still have it somewhere amongst my hoarded loot.

Fact of the matter is, as I sat there getting in my 5 minutes of gazing at my fantastic ring, I was thinking of that ring - and mind you, my memory hasn't failed, I remember the way it looks exactly. I've remembered it before, but today, having the time on my hands I decided to find it.

A quick Google search proved to be effective as always and soon enough I was looking at the exact ring I had seen in that magazine last year. You know what my first thought was? It doesn't even compare. I suddenly had trouble understanding why I liked it but then quickly concluded that it must have been the uncanny design and don't get me wrong, I still think fondly of it but the beauty of this whole thing is that I would not change my ring for the world. Isn't that the most amazing feeling a bride can have? Knowing that her fiance not only nailed exactly what she'd want but actually exceeded her expectations with a completely different but absolutely perfect idea?

I'm excited!