Thursday, February 2, 2012

Decisions, decisions..

I suppose, being that the last couple of weeks have had everyone on edge, I should not interpret things casually said in mid conversation as a final decision. Albeit, on the other hand, why would anything of the sort be so casually said unless subconsciously  a decision has been made.

This is frightening almost, because at the very start, I was thinking differently until a certain point, and mind you, the change of my general mindset was not done single-handedly by me. I'm unsure of what to think and if I should think about any of this at all, but then a part of me feels that if such a decision was made and at cross purposes, why even go ahead with the rest of the plans, if it has suddenly become different.

I suppose, I could argue with myself about how one 'definite' plan affects the other, but in my mind, I felt like everything would suddenly be beautifully interconnected with a new beginning, and off to happiness.  I didn't expect a fork-road like this, because for me, until very recently, there was only one path available.

Just look at this, here I am 'supposing' this or that, or both, or nothing - it's back to being in the unknown again.
I'm kind of scared now, because just when I get used to the idea of normalcy, I get a rude awakening. I should not have thought about it, but who can blame me? When everything seems so close to perfect, with such happy things to look forward to in the future, I just presumed.. I guess I presumed wrongly. I need to find the courage to have this resolved and soon. Ideally before next week, but before the end of the month for sure. But it has all got to start with me - do I want this so much that I'm willing to say it out loud? I believe the answer is yes, and that scares me so much.What if this become the only, and possibly biggest factor of incompatibility?

Maybe it's a hurt sense of pride that stinging so much - how could a decision that would be made with me, be in any possible way worse, how is what I'm part of  today different? Is it because it's all been tried and done? That's not fair. Really not fair, because someone else's previous life and their impact on the present is in no way my fault. Had it been different, this would be so different too. Thus, not fair.

I don't know, once again I feel like there is just too much going on for a pause to pick apart my concerns and emotions in the open. Alas, upon attempting to do it by myself, I come to a bunch of baseless confused conclusions. Often, when I feel this way, it is as though I want to speak up about how I feel but for fear of a reaction to my actions, I have no voice.