Monday, April 30, 2012

I should be, but I'm not.

Being engaged and/or married is amazing when you are with the right person. Having said this, I must also admit that even though my significant other couldn't be more fantastic, being in a committed relationship has really made me face some underlying issues, most of which I've been aware of for a very long time, and unable to address or sort.

I won't go through each and every, but only one or two of them.

The first, being one that I've had ever since I can remember - asking for help. This is something that I struggle to do, I don't understand why but if I were to guess, I'd say it's because I'm afraid of rejection or disinterest. I can't say for sure where this originated, perhaps it's due to being alone and/or by myself for a very long time, regardless though - the point here is, when you're living with someone and nesting, putting together a home bit by bit, day by day; or all the more.. bringing up a child, one really cannot get by without asking the other person for help, support, assistance .. you know, those things I tend to be terrified of asking.

So how does that make me feel? Insignificant, somewhat inferior, insecure. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I've learned that once drowning, you must suck it up and learn how to float to shore.

I guess, I'm also afraid of being laughed at for being unable to do certain things. Which in turn leads to me ending up with so many heavy, complicated things to juggle that I really cannot cope with, but most of the time nobody knows, because I don't say anything.

There's nothing wrong with needing or wanting help, not in the least bit. One day, I hope to even believe that. It doesn't make me or anyone else inferior or less worthy of respect, worse than others or any different at all.

Another thing is - the case of the ex. Yeah, that.

People come with a past, I know. But I reserve the right to complain about the past stinging me in the present, and that's what I'm doing right now. Not for the first time in my life (much to my dismay), I'm put in a situation when sometimes opening a box or drawer is like playing dice with the devil.


My first recollection of such an incident was many, many years ago. I was moving things, clearing some space in order to take measurements - I was nesting up a home, you see. The Organizer

Then there was that guidebook, and other things.

Yesterday I cut open a box, in search of some documents. Talk about 'dice with the devil', again. One too many occasions, and more to come, I'm sure. I'm going to avoid some boxes as though they are the plague from now on and hope that these things don't come into my sight again.

I remember my ex, but then boyfriend, many years ago - the unfortunate keeper of the above-mentioned organizer; in mid-fight, I was hysterical (as I often was in that relationship) he was shaking me and screaming 'Why don't you understand?! I am over her, she is over me - the only person who isn't over something is you!'. 

He was absolutely correct, and I don't think I've changed.

 In this instance, it is very likely that everyone is over everything - except me. I continue to dwell on things, people and relationships that I wasn't even part of. Why? It's over now, so I don't know.




Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Chop, chop!

We were invited to an Easter party recently, and we saw our friends' son rather enjoying using chopsticks, curious at whether or not Nika would like a pair (she loooves Pho!), we ordered her some.

I couldn't be more proud of her! I didn't do anything special except hand them to her, and teach her how to hold them as well as remind her not to let go.

Her first try was.. barely anything, it was late and night and she just poked some noodles with the chopsticks and went to bed. Yesterday she got the chance to really try them out, and today she had her lunch using only them (by choice, of course!). This time, if she stopped holding them, she was able to figure out how to hold them with only minimal prompts from me.

So, I recommend these Edison chopsticks to anyone, they can be found on Amazon by running a search for 'chopsticks for children'.

These come with a 'thumb rest', which I never got around to putting onto them, but she seems to be doing perfectly fine without it..

I think they're a great way for turning finger foods into a fine-motor skill challenge.





And here's Nika in action!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

They said..

You know, there's a Russian song that goes 'I don't know, who's been spreading these rumours - rumours that I never cry' - I think that applies to me perfectly. What's wrong with people these days? They see the shell of someone's life on a social networking website or blog, and believe it to be the essence of their very being.

I know that what I call my life today, is something that can be deemed so close to perfect, it should be criminal. Never does a day go by, without me being grateful for that. Honest. Never do I forget that, I've shed oceans of tears over the course of many years, before I got to live  what I call my life today.

So, the audience wants to know what goes on behind the drawn curtains? ..Sure!

The wedding is being planned, and that's going really great.

But do you know what it took? Loving all the wrong people, gaining and losing the people I thought were friends - finding the only right person for me. Holding on to him so tight, it hurt. When times got hard, my hands would shake, when I'd hold my phone, looking at a picture of the two of us smiling at the camera. I would refuse and then promptly lose, but I'd pretend it was more like letting go. I'd be soon begging, hoping to get everything right back, get it and then.. decide to lose it all again.

Make a mistake. Lose it. Find it. Tear apart the letters I've written. Then get angry, delete the photos, feel terrible. Not sleep, smile bravely, pretend to be a friend to the people I considered enemy-like. Take deep breaths the next night, to be able to fall asleep; thinking of the flowers and what the summer sky had looked like when we met. Load a photo of us on my phone. Set as wallpaper. Keep trying to be my best, wait for his ringtone.

He was perfect, alas the timing, place and my life however, were not. So yeah, it didn't 'just' work out, but at the same time it did - with a lot of patience, swallowing the bitterness, understanding, time and the ability to forgive, forget and get on with life.

--

Nika is doing really well - she's adjusting to a new time, place and life just fine. She likes it more, I think. She doesn't say it, but it seems so. She's happy now.

The sky is the limit for her here, and the rest is up to her. I try to teach her something new every day, and most days, she learns two new things. She makes me really happy, but I'm happiest when I'm making her happy.

--

Sometimes I take a look at myself and get a little startled. I'm not used to being this way. Why? Well, I suppose I'm different now, I think I look different, too. But it's okay because.. the lack of lipstick; my shoes and sometimes I wear dresses - I'm of the same kind here, or at least, definitely no worse.

There are so many people that are beyond gone from my life, and I needn't talk to them, nor do I want to. I've always wanted to do that or at least be able to, or maybe to just have the choice - but I was short of the courage, or maybe the rudeness, perhaps the confidence, or all the aforementioned and maybe even a few more. It's this way now though, so that's what matters.

Those people made my life totally volatile, with almost every happening being an unexpected occurrence, or .. much like the book 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'. Sounds fun? Well it wasn't, at least.. not all the time, but sometimes.. I admit.

Short words of absolute happiness like 'I love you' or 'I need you' became totally obsolete then. These people turned my life into a carnival, and I struggled every day to make myself the princess of that carnival. It got exhausting and fast. But thankfully, growing up now.. I soar so high up above them. I don't know who is kissing whose lips, I don't try to find out.