Monday, April 30, 2012

I should be, but I'm not.

Being engaged and/or married is amazing when you are with the right person. Having said this, I must also admit that even though my significant other couldn't be more fantastic, being in a committed relationship has really made me face some underlying issues, most of which I've been aware of for a very long time, and unable to address or sort.

I won't go through each and every, but only one or two of them.

The first, being one that I've had ever since I can remember - asking for help. This is something that I struggle to do, I don't understand why but if I were to guess, I'd say it's because I'm afraid of rejection or disinterest. I can't say for sure where this originated, perhaps it's due to being alone and/or by myself for a very long time, regardless though - the point here is, when you're living with someone and nesting, putting together a home bit by bit, day by day; or all the more.. bringing up a child, one really cannot get by without asking the other person for help, support, assistance .. you know, those things I tend to be terrified of asking.

So how does that make me feel? Insignificant, somewhat inferior, insecure. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I've learned that once drowning, you must suck it up and learn how to float to shore.

I guess, I'm also afraid of being laughed at for being unable to do certain things. Which in turn leads to me ending up with so many heavy, complicated things to juggle that I really cannot cope with, but most of the time nobody knows, because I don't say anything.

There's nothing wrong with needing or wanting help, not in the least bit. One day, I hope to even believe that. It doesn't make me or anyone else inferior or less worthy of respect, worse than others or any different at all.

Another thing is - the case of the ex. Yeah, that.

People come with a past, I know. But I reserve the right to complain about the past stinging me in the present, and that's what I'm doing right now. Not for the first time in my life (much to my dismay), I'm put in a situation when sometimes opening a box or drawer is like playing dice with the devil.

My first recollection of such an incident was many, many years ago. I was moving things, clearing some space in order to take measurements - I was nesting up a home, you see. The Organizer

Then there was that guidebook, and other things.

Yesterday I cut open a box, in search of some documents. Talk about 'dice with the devil', again. One too many occasions, and more to come, I'm sure. I'm going to avoid some boxes as though they are the plague from now on and hope that these things don't come into my sight again.

I remember my ex, but then boyfriend, many years ago - the unfortunate keeper of the above-mentioned organizer; in mid-fight, I was hysterical (as I often was in that relationship) he was shaking me and screaming 'Why don't you understand?! I am over her, she is over me - the only person who isn't over something is you!'. 

He was absolutely correct, and I don't think I've changed.

 In this instance, it is very likely that everyone is over everything - except me. I continue to dwell on things, people and relationships that I wasn't even part of. Why? It's over now, so I don't know.

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