Friday, May 11, 2012

Going Blank.

I don't know what to say, or where to start.

I suppose I've stressed my fear of rejection more in the previous few posts than in the entire blog - why? I think because I have a sixth sense for these things, it's almost as though I know exactly when my feelings are about to be hurt. I suppose, on the other hand.. it is a 'fear', after all; by definition. I'm always afraid of my feelings getting hurt.

Out of bed last night, it was really late and even cold.. really cold, and I felt absolutely alone.

That's what hurt feelings do to me, sometimes. I get frightened. I was suddenly scared to speak up, scared to say anything at all, scared of the person I'm absolutely infatuated with. What kind of person gets like that? I don't know, what kind of person.. I just know that I do, and maybe because of that, there must be something wrong with me.

It takes a lot of courage for me to talk about the future, to make plans, pitch an idea. I've always been terrified of the subject, not the subject matter. Why? Well, see above, for a first reason; there are a few more, but I'm afraid that if I were admit to them, it'd be a validation of the fact that there are women out there who are so much more beautiful than me, if only because there is nothing wrong them, as there is with me.

I wish I had not said anything, to someone who was obviously very caught up in his own day(s), it would have been better if I had just continued letting him not look my way. Maybe there is more wrong with me. This is what love does, you see.

Was I mistaken? I'm not sure.

I do know that I don't want to say anything anymore. I don't want to try to make things magic when they're not. I'd say I'm sorry for always trying to look for a silver-lining when looking at a raging storm, and if I don't find one, for wanting to scribble one across the window glass - but I'm not sorry, not even a little bit, not at all. It's just what I do, and many people think it's why I am beautiful.

I know. There are people out there far more beautiful compared to me; but, I'm trying to be strong enough, just so you wouldn't see. I can't say you didn't notice me, I'd have been broken if you had walked by easily.

Вчера, ты не заметил, как сильно я люблю тебя.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Eyes Wide Open

Today has been such a long day, and it's not over yet. I woke up startled at 3 o'clock in the morning, the dimensions of the bed I was in no longer made sense, and the shapes on the ceiling were not something I instantly recognized. My heart was beating really fast and it took a few seconds for everything to fall in place. 

I took a few seconds to catch my breath, and then went through the usual cycle of thoughts - was the front door locked before we went to bed, was Nika okay? 

I'm used to waking up startled like that, but it hasn't happened in a while. My fiance and I had established quite early on, one night on our first vacation, he said 'Yeah, I don't really do dreams, I don't really like talking about them, they're not interesting to me'. So, I seldom ever say anything. This suits me okay, I really shouldn't talk about these things anyway. Mostly, I just mention that I didn't sleep well first thing in the morning, in order to explain my 'out-of-sorts' behaviour the next day. I don't mind keeping these things to myself, I have too much of a fear of rejection in order to share them, anyway. Besides, it used to be much worse, and the only reason why I used to even explain, was because certain people felt tears in the middle of the night weren't a sign of normalcy.


I got up to get some water, and checked Nika. Speaking of whom, about an hour later, as I was in bed - eyes wide open, I heard the familiar, even somewhat comforting sound of her toddle down the corridor and into our room. She plonked herself on the bed next to me, her weight making the new king-sized bed emit a little creaking sound. She then rolled over me, ending up directly in the middle.

Sometimes I wonder how awake she is, because no later than a few minutes afterward, I could hear her familiar 'sleepy' breathing, and giggles. She often giggles in her sleep.

I couldn't fall asleep, so I was listening to all the sounds outside the window - planes, birds and then, towards the morning.. the fountain.  At one point, even wondering how I usually sleep through all that.

Nika kicked, tossed, turned. Crawled under the covers and then out; flipped and wiggled - nothing unusual about that. I couldn't help but smile at every giggle I heard, some of them were particularly loud. She really is such a direct source of pure happiness.

I couldn't help thinking, that I'm really not done as of yet - I still feel like I can give something back as a parent, (not just to Nika, that is). So, I carefully ventured to the subject, in my mind - a little apprehensive, almost guilty. I don't know why.

What would having another child be like? Without the fear of being alone? The paranoia, the lingering feeling you are failing, dread of the future due to a plethora of volatile factors. Must be absolutely amazing to be pregnant within wedlock, the security of your family, the support and confidence in your significant other. I've always envied those women - up until recently, (more recently than people would imagine), I didn't think it was in the cards for me at all. It was a strange feeling, thinking about all of this in a different light, it didn't feel like a subject I couldn't fathom or something out of reach any more. Whereas it seemed to be exactly that just a few months ago. That's when I really began to go to town on what in my understanding, would make me happy.

I let myself think about this some more - the feeling, I must admit, was almost decadent.

Then, it got frightening. I felt like I had thought about these things too much. Almost habitually, I was going to tell myself that such things aren't for me, but this time I didn't. I didn't feel there was reason to.. for lack of a better expression, to take this away from myself.

Sure, there are things I'm still afraid of and worried about and will continue to be; the new one, now is .. what if things don't go according to this beautifully perfect plan my mind and heart set themselves up for last night?

 'I should savour some of these worries, I never know when they might go away, just like the other ones did', I joked with myself, in order to stop the sudden wave of negativity I was falling into again.

I used to worry about finding the right person, and then about never getting to have a relationship with the right person, and then,whether the right person believes our relationship is right. Of course, there was the fear of never getting engaged to the right person.. not getting married.

I think by nature, I have grown accustomed to analyze, nitpick and worry, because I abide a particular rule. I don't like to set expectations for anything or anyone - rather, I believe in taking actions and making decisions which, in turn, I believe would lead to the outcome I'd like to see. Sure, I get side-tracked sometimes, or worse.. I tear off the track altogether for one reason or other - mostly that pesky fear of rejection, hurt or something similar; but ultimately.. I do what I can to make my dreams a reality, never forgetting that the world doesn't revolve around me, not even my world does. My world revolves around the two people I love the most.

We'll see where this takes me.. I'm hoping, to where I want to be, because it's where the two people I love, want to be too. For the first time in my life, I'm learning to let myself decide exactly where, when, how and what I'd like to be. And I'm so, so scared.