Thursday, June 28, 2012

Another quick note.

If this 30 Day Shred isn't going to kill me, it sure as heck better make me stronger.


Update about that soon.

An Ex Occurance

Has anyone else ever noticed how the most bitterly lost exes, ironically, tend to result in being the ones that come back to haunt you in the most inappropriate of times?

"So.. how's life?" - Seriously? How is my life? Fantastic, thank you. Even if that weren't the case, I'd never tell you, anyway.

I even know what he'd say, if I let him talk. Let me guess, how it'd go:

"I just need to say a few words, get a couple of points across to you, can't you at least give me that?" Not really, not even that, no.

"Where did I make the mistake, the heinous one, what was it? Why won't you talk to me? Don't you understand, it's not all the same to me - I need to know this, I want to start it all over, this time only with the two of us - there will be nothing and nobody but the two of us this time, it will be different; happiness is not out of reach for us, not at all" He said to me last summer.

You know where and when you lost me? Somewhere in the mess of your life.. because it was dark and hectic, and you didn't know whether I was close or far, you didn't even notice, actually.

"I did everything I could, back then!" he insisted at me, when we spoke last.

Yes, well.. Cool story, bro.

This is the price some people choose to pay: spending the rest of their life with someone they claim not to even love; perhaps they're not loved by the other person either. How tragic.

How I don't miss that city, even more though: it was like an endless labyrinth of streets I didn't care for, I hated wondering through them. It's said to be one of the most beautiful in Eastern Europe. I hope I never go back there, I hope I never have to. I cannot even get across how much pain and heartache I went through in that city, I will never have the words.  A reason why, would be because it all happened in my life far too early; but any later.. and it would have possibly brought on even more terrible repercussions. Cold, foreign city. I am still trying to forget that nasty feeling of being so alone. At one point, I was so convinced that love only comes along once per lifetime - and that I had no chance or choice. 

I still remember, being told with such warmth and love, and appreciation in his eyes, that I am 'exquisite'. The fascination with how I was unlike anyone he'd known turned into disdain because I was so different. And then.. a few excruciating months later, the bouquets of flowers he'd fill the apartment rooms with would not ever last, and the last one he brought, had long since wilted; and the love in his eyes had visibly faded too.

The ring on my finger grew darker and lost its shine, and then one day, I got told that I have nothing, I am nothing and I have nothing to give, that my looks would fade, too.. and soon I wouldn't even have my mirror reflection to love.

..Right, so tell me more.. about how the woman you are with, is so unlike me.. do you miss resenting me, instead?

For everything that happened so early on - it ended quickly, too.

Someone else figured out how to make me smile though, so it's okay. I even have new dresses that I like wearing. Another city. Different ways of doing things.

What else can be said, or done? For the life of me - I really don't know. Not a single person would be delusional or crazy enough to claim that there's something there that could make a friendship.

Are there aspects I miss? I guess, but that's also fine, I know better - people are different, for better and worse, stronger or weaker; nicer or more wicked.  As long as I love the person I am with and am loved in return.

The best lesson I learned from all this: the only person who is truly worth any tears - is the one who is ready to dry them; not pretend there weren't any the next day.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The things we do

The hardest thing about being a parent, is most likely admitting that you need help. The media often feeds us photos of Miranda Kerr, looking like her supermodel self, with her toddler on her hip - the average woman is absolutely correct in thinking 'if she can, why can't I?'.

Truth be told - it's hard, with help or without help.

We're talking about another human-being absolutely dependent on you, so much so, that they depend on you to teach them independence.

Q: How do you admit that you need help?

A: - Are you kidding me? You do not. I live for that little display of perfection - my child, absolutely.

Well, actually - I no longer have reservations about admitting that I need help, be it in the form of breaking down into tears if need be, or a simple request.. or both. I think after Nika turned 4, I've been fine with admitting that every so often, I need that bit of support.

'Give your hand, my little one.. we can manage together!' I proclaim an alliance with my kid, each day.  'For I need nothing else.. ever..' (I think.. but wait.. a manicure, it doesn't give itself.. maybe some time next month? Meh.)

Needless to say, it's more like: 'Work with me here, kid! We've got soo much to do, and if you -do- work with me.. how about a cookie! And a sticker.. and.. whatever it is you want!'

At the weekend, as I'm trying to reign my hair into a submittable agreement, hairbrush tangled at the back of my head - hair straightened in one hand, anti-frizz spray in the other - Nika stumbles in, usually saying something along the lines of 'whatcha you doin'?'. 'Making my hair nice.' I'd reply, to which she'd follow up with 'Hmm, looks ugly now..' That is when I'd say 'Go ask your daddy to put a show on for you!' and usher her out.

I have to admit, I want more opportunities that say that during the week. She'll be in school in a few weeks and gosh will I miss her dearly, but that's still several weeks away.


You are 'Supermom' (just like every mom out there!) - you've got this. You're the woman with a set of spare batteries, wetnaps, snacks, a juice box, a band-aid, an antiseptic wipe, at least 15 minutes of entertainment uploaded onto phone, and of course - the lifesaving LeapFrog tablet; all sorts of other survival gear, all stuffed and organized in your deceivingly normal-sized handbag.What's figuring out how to do a few 'normal' things with an inquisitive, precocious and trouble-making 4 year old?

'Ridiculously difficult' is the answer.

You try your absolute best to work out, keep yourself in shape that is.. you know, be that what they call 'attractive' - but the continuation of yourself, your little miracle, a.k.a 'the child' - it sits on top of your back when you are trying to stretch, and mid-workout, as you are trying to follow the television, your little bit of perfection hands you the weights continuously, even if you don't need them and it never stops, until you muster the patience to keep going, or stop altogether.

Lest you go the other way, and try to politely say 'no, thank you' - your child breaks down emotionally and you must stop what you are doing on the spot, and comfort as best your abilities permit. Otherwise, the possibility of doing anything else that day deteriorates, you will spend the rest of your day trying to work around your emotionally-broken down pre-schooler.

What ever you do, you must incorporate that little bit of 'help' into the routine - wiping the table, counters, windows; dusting is not an easy feat.. the child climbs any chair or surface that you do, and tries to reach what you did, lest you have missed a spot.. mind you, the kid even tells you so.

Sometimes they nearly fall over - which leads you to perform an aerobic routine to snatch them to safety in time, then leads you to needing to sit down and catch your breath for fear of a heart-attack occurring.

Cleaning is NOT something that you just get over and do, it's not a quick wipe of the counters, dear friend - it's a careful game of pre-schooler Risk, we divide the territory, ever so carefully.

A bath? Excuse me? Bathing, without the company of your little angel, by the shower glass, at the door, or in the other room (possibly playing with EVERYTHING they shouldn't with, and loudly) - not in this life, no. Knock, knock... Who's there? Yes .. still you, I know, honey-bunny.

10 minute showers and in calm solitude are decadent.

Ironing becomes like a battle of Mortal Kombat - TEST YOUR MIGHT.. CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY.. FLAWLESS VICTORY; 

Dodging your little one with leg, free arm and hip, making sure that the iron is as far in sight as physically possible. Yes, yes.. with my never-ending love and iron-handling skills I'll protect you, my dearest... and then I'll help you finish that puzzle, and we'll even draw a kitty together, later!

The word 'later', mind you, must be used with great caution and skill - for little angels do NOT handle it well. Ensue breaking down emotionally, throwing a fit, screaming so loud you fear for the neighbours down the street; 'but you said TODAY!' your kid may scream. Then you're stuck explaining that 'later' is no worse than 'today' when you should really be folding some laundry, or dusting instead.

Coffee in the morning? At the computer? Checking e-mail, forums and Facebook? How normal life seems then to be, a moment of sanity? Shadowlit freaking facade, thank you - the tablet is on, the coco is drunk, the child needs a few minutes, then breakast. Their breakfast that is, not yours, of course.

Then, make sure the child is washed up, and lest you forget.. trip over yourself praising, in mid-process of success at anything.

Everything is fantastic without a doubt, of course you are proud, and who would not be? Albeit, let's admit - how nice would it be, to have that little bit of time for yourself in the day? It's not a crime, not at all. I used to feel guilty for thinking it was. Now, I'm too busy figuring out how to make everything work simultaneously to feel any guilt over wanting a moment to myself.

'THE WEEKEND', some wise man should proclaim - here you go, that's your time, woman - thou shalt no longer complain!

Yeah, thanks. The washing, the dusting, the vacuuming, the ironing, the scraping, the polishing, the organizing.. will do itself all of a sudden.

Organized documents, clean floors.
Pretty things in the home.
Surprises and nice things thought of weeks in advance.
Every thing is sorted, what else can there be?
- Cookies!
Your kid would happily reply, if you asked.

Mmkay, here you go.

Some days it's more fun, others not so much. Sometimes it's seemingly effortless.. other times, not at all. There are instances that are really hard.. like when hurt feelings, casually need to be pushed aside, along with tears wiped - life goes on and you cannot afford to skip a beat because then you'll fall behind.

My only crime in all this, I think, if I were to admit to something, would be.. I sometimes pretend that hurt feelings don't linger, but secretly, I just wait for them to go away. I often ask for help, and then I regret it and I wish I had not said anything, after all. I wish I had said to myself, I can manage .. taken a moment, perhaps.

The worst thing, I think, about asking for help.. is when people judge you for it, and wish you hadn't. 

But like I said, life doesn't skip a beat, so I don't either, at least I try not to.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

What daddy best not see..

'My Beauty Diary' - Taiwanese face masks, awesome stuff, by far the best 'DIY' facials.This is a set of 'favourites': 
Red Vine Mask
Aloe Mask
Hyaluronic Acid Moisturizing Mask
Arbutin Whitening Mask
Black Pearl Mask
Bird's Nest Mask
Collagen Firming Mask
I have a face mask on. Nika comes up to me, glances up at me and says 'wazzat?' I explain it's a face mask, so my face would be pretty..

'Looks ugly though..' proclaims Nika. My response: -.-

'Scary even..' adds Nika.


'Good that daddy isn't seeing this, he'd get scared, and have bad dreams.' She says, and continues playing with her dolls.

Last time, I had a green 'fresh' face mask on from Lush (which was cold, messy and much less effective than I had expected). Nika saw me walking around with it on, and staring curiously, asked: 'You put your make-up on?' -.-


Thursday, June 14, 2012

Sock Bun Tutorial

The Challenge: 'Mommy, I want Princess hair'.

I don't believe on using heat on her hair, so.. it was sock bun time!

The Aparatus:

- a sock you are willing to part with
- Bobby pins
- Scrunchies (I like the no pull kind, you need 2)
- Things you don't mind losing forever, in order to keep your child entertained, in my case.. used make-up and a brush.

Cut the top off the sock, like so:

 Give your child means of entertainment:
The instructions:

Friday, June 8, 2012

The Wedding: Beta stage.. part 1

So, I got word that my dress has come in - w00t!

They had initially said September which left me a tad uneasy, but looks like everything worked out perfectly.

I'll be going in next Saturday to get fitted and order some alterations.

In terms of the wedding planning, although we only started a few months ago, we have definitely come a long way.

- Find and Hire Coordinator
- Find and Book Venue
- Find and Order Dress
- Research caterers and photographers
  Create a Wedding Wbesite
- Send out 'Save The Date' announcements

I've been wanting to write up just how exactly things have been progressing in that respect, so here we go.

- Right after the proposal, we already knew where we wanted to get married - that left us with figuring out how we'd make it work.

Step 1: The Coordinator

Q: Why a coordinator?

A: Because I have a 4 year old, and a life. Don't get me wrong, planning the wedding is great fun, but it's also a stressful ordeal, and a lot of responsibility. Personally speaking, I know I could do it and I'd do it really well because I'm organized, I don't beat around the bush about what I want but I'm also a good negotiator and I have great taste, even if I do say so myself. Taking all of that into account, I've also got a 4 year old, I don't have experience in planning the kind of wedding I was picturing and more of, I wanted to enjoy this time, not stress about being able to get in contact, touch base and close loops with all the countless vendors I'll be dealing with.

So, in other words, we couldn't do without a planner, or I suppose we could have, but unanimously opted not to.

The Venue: 

In mid-search for a planner, we found the venue.. or maybe it was vice-versa. Anyway, I had looked weddings at the location we wanted, and specifically the venues where they were held. In mid-search for venues, I came a cross a wedding coordinator's portfolio - which I bookmarked, I absolutely fell in love with one of the venues she had posted.

While research coordinators, it turns out that the one with the perfect venue in her portfolio was also the perfect candidate - I made arrangements to talk to her on the phone asap, and from that moment on I knew she was exactly the sort of person I was looking for.

How I chose the coordinator:

Going by reviews, as well as coordinators that are 'location-specific'. Then, I looked at their previous work (i.e. the weddings they've coordinated), and narrowed down my list by the quality as well as aesthetically, what I found most fit my criteria.

 There was one coordinator that stood out especially. Granted, much of that was not exactly my cup of tea, but I liked the general execution as well as the fact that in every wedding in her portfolio, I saw at least one detail I really like.

Talking on the phone, she was finishing my sentences and understood exactly what I was trying to get across without me having explain twice, she also had all the contacts and experience I did not - so it was decided.


The Dress:

Dress Shopping - Tasha n' Crew style :)
The dress, was left behind in another city. That's right - I found one that was absolutely perfect and it was what I wanted and more. Upon seeing it on me, my girlfriends' eyes lit up - pure perfection, they said.

Alas, it was not within the budget and I didn't feel right even thinking about asking if I could cross that line.

So, bitterly and very sadly, I left it behind and bid goodbye to the most perfect dress I had ever seen or tried on, as though it were a newly acquired, most fantastic friend - whom I soon had to bid goodbye to, accepting we'll never meet again. With a grain of salt, I accepted it as a fact, because I had left behind more than just a dress.. much of everything and everyone really.

Now What?

 I was so sad then, because it was already February, and the wedding had originally been planned for November - no planning had been made, and I was very skeptical if we were even going to have a wedding. Needless to say, my friends told me to get over my pessimistic mindset, and assured me that they'll laugh at me for even thinking so, and they will do that at my wedding. My fiance was also fantastic - saying that he realized we were behind on the planning, and albeit there was a chance we won't get exactly what we had originally wanted, that it'd be all the more grand than what we expected.

That made me smile, and to get with the program. There was no more time to waste. Coordinator. Venue. Dress. That was the plan from then on, no more moping.

Moving Forward

A few weeks later, with little hope, I tore out a picture from a magazine - I had finally seen another dress I loved. I made an appointment, and with my future sister-in-law in tow, I nervously headed to the bridal boutique.

The dress was beautiful - imagine my disappointment, when I put it on, and realized that it was all wrong. Not because of the dress, but because of me. I was the wrong shape, height, skin and hair colour.

I was about to basically give up on life, and break down emotionally, similarly to how my daughter does when I tell her not to play with shoes.. but there was a silver-lining. There was plan B though: my bridal consultant had another dress, one that had been accidentally left behind after a show. Plus one more dress - an elegant classic.

The elegant classic, needs no other words - it's lovely. I liked the way I felt and I knew everyone would love the way it looked, too.

The dress that had been left behind after a show: I put it on, and was blown away by the 'wow' factor. It was nothing like the dress I had originally left behind, but it was everything else. The frightening part was that the 'wow' factor was so dazzling, that to be honest, for the longest time I stood there, and wondered if I was brave enough.

I left the bridal boutique that day.. I could not decide between the two dresses, one - a traditional, less dazzling but absolutely classic and beautiful gown and the other - so beautiful that I wondered if my looks were sufficient enough not to be outdone by the dress.

I'm afraid I can't give away the secret as to how I decided on the dress.. or even which dress I decided on, because that in itself is another story, from a different chapter that's coming up really soon: The 'Tasha (plus Nika, of course!) Tie The Knot' one.

But I'll tell you this much, the next morning I called my consultant and told her the news, by next weekend I had made an appointment and put down half the deposit. In mid all this, I met a fantastic jewelery maker, that will custom make my wedding jewelery. Was that luck? I don't believe in luck! It was 'score!!' moment :)

So.. a dress.. -the- dress I decided on, it's here.. That's what I wanted to say!