I don't know where to start exactly, I think with Nika..
She's starting kindergarten this year - it's so frightening to me.. she's quite looking forward to it actually. I'm consistently worried about how she'll socialize, whether she'll fit in, how she'll get on with her teachers..
I have no choice but to deal, though.. because my baby is all grown up, I've known this for a while, but until the start of kindergarten I can go on happily not acknowledging it just yet.
I think in many ways this is going to mark the new start of many things for us - the wedding planning is full-blown in motion.. Getting closer to the big day, looking forward to it (but more on that later).
I think also, we're (Fiance + I) pin-pointing a few things about the future that we want along the way.. you know, not just wedding-related aspects, but things like children, home-related stuff.
Should I be completely honest - I'd really like to talk about these things in lieu of coming to a realization 'on the go' in mid of many other things, but that's okay, sometimes things just happen like that. I think that's what causes a lot of my uncertainty though. I've always been uneasy about the future, so I take anything related to that very seriously.. which leads me to over-think or over-analyze, or psyche myself out. I'm trying not to, though.I just don't think I'm managing this all the right way. I guess, the most important thing is that I'm trying.
I'm trying a lot of different things: I don't want to have a lingering feeling of dread about something bad happening all the time. I don't want to believe that I'm worse or better than anyone, just that I'm myself.. and people I love, love me for just that, too.
I'm a little odd, kind of goofy. Easily scared, but very aggressive at the same time. I get hurt really easily but I never tell anyone, so people wouldn't even know; which leads them to believe that I'm a really strong person, but really.. I'm not. I'm really honest and I stand by what I believe. I think if I met me.. I'd like me.
I'm really lucky, and I never forget how lucky I am, not even for a day, not even when things aren't so great. I think I had been very nervous about this last week because I didn't know what to expect, having had a few warnings, I was sort of dreading it - I know this is a bit cryptic, sorry.
I don't claim to have all the answers on how to make a relationship great, I don't even know if I'm making the right decisions about certain stuff - I just try to do what feels right, but more than anything, what I believe will make not only myself happy, but the people I love. I try to think about their happiness more than my own, because they're what makes me happy, it's all interlinked.
I knew I should expect some anger and frustration, maybe even an argument or two - but none of that happened, which in itself is great because it proves that being that little bit extra nice when things are difficult goes a long way, and doesn't go unnoticed.
Which brings me to a more difficult note:
I'm very easily emotionally manipulated, this is hardly news to anyone who has been even remotely emotionally close to me - I find it hard to break away from the bonds I've formed with people and often find myself manipulated into doing things for said people even long after there's no relationship of any sort going on, and say, even if there hadn't been friendship, communication or any tender feelings for a while.
I don't know why I do this, for lack of a better conclusion, I'll say it's because I'm a nice person and having once cared for someone deeply, I find it hard to turn my back to them, even if said person had let me go, left me alone - knowing I don't have any guidance; no devils, no gods, no family and at the time, not even friends.
'A person in need, is a friend indeed'. Maybe it's not all selfless, but the majority of my actions have been.
I need to change this about myself, and focus on more important things, and people.
I try to never go to bed upset, and never wake up upset, either - I also realized that I'm making a few mistakes along the way and at the moment I'm not sure how to correct that or prevent it, but it's something for me to work on.