I started this long weekend with awesome enthusiasm; now I'm smack in the intersection of dread, disappointment and apprehension.
It seems like a lot I've managed to put behind, mostly.. life has been painted vividly by new emotions and happenings, which in turn don't leave much room for memories about things past.
I am somewhat in struggle, as it is often the case in the last few weeks, with some thoughts and memories.
I think by and large, it's far easier to struggle with bad memories in lieu of the good.
How does one 'get over' good memories? By associating them with the person who's the culprit, and thus turning them bad instantly? It seems like I'd be the one suffering a loss then, because I like to chalk up that whole experience as a failure due to my own inexperience and then lack of empathy and ability to concede.
In whole, would it even matter what that particular period of my life is tagged as? Ultimately, I believe so, because I need the security of believing that my life decisions have since been based on a varied and complete experience, rather than something so biased.
Meh. Translation? I'd like someone to give me an educated analysis, and tell me that albeit some of my decisions were perhaps not correct, nor were they right at the time, but that in hindsight, it's good I did what I did.
Why the sudden urge for reassurance? I guess I'm not feeling that awesome all of a sudden. Maybe I know I was right, but did the wrong thing. I don't know. Sometimes the problem is simple, others not so much. Some matter, some don't. Some are forgotten as quickly as they happen, others linger. Some don't even dot on my radar, others I lose sleep over. Some I laugh at, others I cry about.
I think the bigger issue is that all I want, more than anything is clarity that I often shy away from seeking. That's why the above-mentioned - shying away from seeking explanations, information, clarity is often exactly what spares all sort of conflict and turmoil; so I'm right in that but without a doubt, it's a wrong course of action.
Someone once told me that things lose and/or gain relevance to people differently and my mistake is looking at everything through a prism of what I -believe- makes people happy, unsuspecting that in actuality, it's all different. I'm not sure if I still do that, but I'm afraid that could have been an unpleasantly accurate point.
I don't think I understood the above at first, I thought it was another fancily disguised way of calling me 'selfish'. Maybe it really was exactly that and over the years I've merely thought about it too much and morphed it into something complex.
I do that.
I think, slowly I'm getting to the root of my recently-stemmed fears, concerns and hurt feelings. I need to go ahead and think about the topic before I put it out there in its full frenzied, messy glory for people to see and judge.
Watch this space for a can of worms.