I was just thinking the other day, how much living I've done in a few seemingly short years.
Out at dinner last night, J said "people don't change, I don't believe that", which in turn struck up a sense of confusion but predominantly.. fear.
"Of course people change" I muttered as quickly as I could muster, almost feeling as though it was in defense of myself. J just looked at me in response, but the back of my mind was already riddled with all sorts of thoughts.
People do change, honest. At least.. I certainly have.
I used to be exhilarated by the idea of living at my own will without having anything or anyone to worry about. Whatever I did, was solely for my own content and happiness, I had only myself to blame for my own mistakes and only myself to fend for - which in turn made me a capable and ambitious but very selfish person. Then, it became different - I had things and even people to lose, it was a sickly sweet thrill to see limits stretched and boundaries crossed. I don't remember if I had ever stopped to think about how the way I was living affected my surroundings and the people, I don't believe I did. It was easy, too, because the enabling factor was people saying that they'd forgive me each time, because I didn't know how to live otherwise.
Now I have Nika, J.. our life together - nothing terrifies me more than the prospect of losing anyone or any little thing I've got. Nothing makes me happier than seeing them happy, especially when we're all happy together.
I do believe in the fact that people change, sometimes for the better, other times for the worse.. some remain static and neither improve or become any worse, they just become different, and I've witnessed that too. I won't argue about the factors, or what age does, I just know that it's true.
Now, I have this lingering, lurid sense of worry.
It's because I'm different now, the things I want, are different too. All of this is new to me - and I don't know if things are bound to just work out, or not.. what if I'm suddenly asking for too much? Nika says bad people don't deserve to have their dreams come true..
I should be grateful that my life is such now, that I even have these windows of opportunities; I know.
The hardest thing is summoning the courage to talk about any of this. I suppose, I almost feel apologetic for the fact that my newly established dreams are so unambitious; transparent, even. I can't help any of that, I can't help that it's all so special.. just only to me, it seems.
I didn't know some things even a year ago, that I do now. So naturally, these new developments I meet with a healthy curiosity, at first. And then.. it changes. When I talk about these things, should I get a sense of a dismissive response, this hurts me greatly because it not only brings my fear of rejection into full force, but combined with my fear and usual uncertainty about the future - I freeze in my very tracks and I suddenly feel.. well, very lonely and somewhat scared, actually.
Oh how long it takes me, even just to think of how to start these conversations. Every other evening, I know exactly what to say and where to start.. I picture myself, all brave, wings beautifully spread, shoulders straight - and then, in the midst of worry, fear and uncertainty, I end up mumbling, as quietly as I can, perhaps the shadow of what I wanted to say; I explain nothing, and then break away.
I don't need much. Maybe.. the ability to convey thoughts using just my eyes, only once.. for a few seconds.
Why is talking about the future like walking on glass for me? Is there something wrong with me?