Monday, February 25, 2013

?

For a blog that's titled 'and Nika', I seldom say anything about Nika in here anymore. I've hogged all the space for myself..

How can I put in words, what there is to say about Nika, though? Not a day goes by without her amazing us, or making us laugh with a witty remark..

If only I had a penny for a every time a complete stranger stops me in my tracks, to say how beautiful she is.. well, I'd have about 5 pennies a week, but you know what I mean.

The other aspect of it... is that she's not exactly 'normal'. Yeah, okay, I get it, how can I ask the outside world not to be judgmental when I am the one deeming my child 'not normal', whatever - there's no nice way of saying it. There are countless beautiful things I can say about Nika, but that would make me just another parent gushing about their kid.. what's more important is that I tell her all the time how smart she is, or how beautiful she is.

She memorizes digits, scenery, locations, photos, facts.. and she never forgets them. She never forgets the order of anything, and chooses sequences that suit her preference best, which often makes it difficult to skew from what she believes is the 'correct' way of doing things. Go and explain to your average 5 year old, that you are taking a shortcut due to traffic and thus, had to go off your usual 'return home' route .. Perhaps, 'your' and 'your average' 5 year old would take better to such an idea.. Nika doesn't. She will question the route change, and how I know there won't be traffic there, how I know we won't arrive later than if we had taken the usual route, whether I believe we are pressed for time and that's why we're taking the shortcut and why we are pressed for time, if we have anything 'pressing' to do at home.. how much time I think this would save us.. - that being, the best case scenario. Otherwise, she will just sit there and weep, because she is terrified of the outcome, simply because she doesn't believe that it was necessary to change anything and not to mention.. that we don't know what the actual end-result of the change.

How does one 'deal', when your children prove to be 'different'? I mean, different to a point of having to not only adjust your life to them (after the initial stages of denial that the child at hand is different, of course) but when you feel you have to create and upkeep a particular environment for people and events to be able to function without issue.

Sometimes, it gets absolutely terrifying to me. Nobody wants to admit that their child is different, because nobody wants to answer the question 'is this somehow my fault?'. Because more likely than not, the answer is 'yes', at least in my case.

Do I not notice myself exhibiting these signs? How I rip the tags off my shirts because I cannot stand anything but a smooth surface touching my skin. How I never lose anything. How I always know exactly where objects are - tracing their whereabouts by previous events. How I secretly pride myself in being able to say 'I have not lost anything, not a single thing this year'. And in the event that I do misplace an object? My life doesn't go on. I stop all happenings, and search for said object. Hours, days.. if need be.

To answer my own question, how does one 'deal' with knowing their child is 'different'.. One starts 'dealing', by accepting the fact that more likely than not, they are the contributing factor. And that is what's hard. I don't want my child(ren) to have a hard life because of me.


1 comment:

  1. Tasha, I do not think you're screwing anything up. Judging from your blog, you're an amazing mom, better than 90% out there and making your kid a priority in your every day life is the best thing you can do :)

    ReplyDelete